Monday, October 22, 2007
Today was a bittersweet Sunday. I was able to make it to my wards sacrament meeting, which was a great blessing. Partaking of the sacrament at church is a lot different than when they bring it to me at my home. I loved the quiet time I was able to sit and ponder on things. I really felt the spirit along with a very cleansing, peaceful type of feeling. It was great! However, today was also a very emotional sacrament meeting for me. Today was the day my bishopric was released. When I first heard the news they were to be released I was quite sad, but soon realized it would be ok. I knew that this is the Lord's church and that if He must have a reason for making this change. I was still a little concerned how the new bishopric would work out, but again remembered whose church it is. I wanted to attend church today so that I could be there to support my departing bishopric as well as sustain the new bishopric. I hoped that if I was there and sustained them I feel the spirit testify to me that these were the right men for the job and ease all my concerns. However, this was not the case. I came home totally depressed! I bawled all through the meeting. Each member of the departing bishopric spoke and bore thier testimonies, it was tender!! Oh how I love these men!! I was doing ok, just being tenderly emotional and feeling the spirit...until...Bishop Thorpe mentioned me in his talk! At that point I lost it!! I laughed at the story he told of me, but then the flood of tears came. At that point it really hit me how much this man means to me in my life. I have never been very good at trusting men. I can honestly say there are only four men on this earth I have ever really trusted. Bishop Thorpe was one of those men. Over the three years he was my bishop I came to really rely on him for help on my dark days. Even on the days I didn't call him for advice or help, it always gave me comfort to know he was there if I needed him. Right now life is hard for me. I am going through a lot and am truthfully really struggling, however, knowing that I had a strong support group behind me was helping me get through things one day at a time. Now, one of the biggest members of that support group is gone. I know that he will always be my friend and a support for me, but it will never be the same. He will no longer have those keys of revelation for me. I feel like I have been dealt a huge blow...of all the times in my life that I have ever needed a good bishop that I trust and feel comfortable with the most crucial time is now. I did meet and shake hands with my new bishop, and I'm sure he is a great guy...but that trust factor is a difficult one for me. I'm not giving up on him yet, but with all I am going through it will be sometime before I am able to observe him and get to know him, and see if that trust comes or not. The problem is that in the meantime my struggles are not going to go away or even be put on pause. I am grateful that I will be recieving a blessing tomorrow from a good friend of mine. My prayer is that the Lord may convey some answers to me through that blessing.