A Butterfly World

Balancing Act

2012-01-18T17:23:00.002-07:00

My entire life has been one big balancing act. I try hard to stay on the Well side of this scale, but too often find myself teetering between the two...or all the way on the Sick side.

Today I feel like I'm right in the middle. I have a sore throat, ear that slightly aches, and a mild headache. I don't feel on my deathbed sick, but I'm not feeling healthy as an ox either. At times like this it's hard to know how to react. Any one thing could tip the scale one way or another. If I try to do too much I could find myself sliding towards illness. If I go to the doctor and catch an illness before it hits to hard I would be headed for healthier days. However, I am not one to go to the doctor unless I really feel like there is something they could do for me. So, for now I will spend my time right in the middle of the scale. I will drink lots of OJ, spend all day on the couch watching movies, take some ibuprofen, and hope things get better before they get worse.

Strengths and Weaknesses

2012-01-08T02:42:00.003-07:00

Have you ever been sitting in an interview and been asked to tell them some of your strengths and some of your weaknesses? I have and I struggle with finding an answer every time. Why is it so difficult to admit our weaknesses and to acknowledge our strengths? This question applies to all of life as well, not just in an interview.

I believe we all need to take a step back and really own up to our weaknesses. We need to clean out the closet and humble ourselves enough to realize that we aren't perfect and that's okay, we weren't meant to be. Once we humbly admit our weaknesses we can find a way to push past them, work around them, and most importantly let God turn them into strengths. As I talk about recognizing our weaknesses I do not mean that we nit pick every little thing we don't like about ourselves and end up with a list a mile long and still growing. This is not a productive recognition of weakness, it is a way of beating ourselves up and will ultimately only drag us down emotionally.

A few of the weaknesses I see in myself are the fact that I am very shy when I first meet people. I don't like to be the center of attention. When I'm in large groups of people, especially ones I don't know very well, I would much rather sit back and observe everyone rather than get up and participate in whatever is going on. Because of this I tend to miss out on a lot of the fun. I am easily overlooked and forgotten about because I kept myself on the sidelines and not in the limelight. Another weaknesses of mine is that I am constantly worried about what others are thinking of me. I worry that I will do something stupid and everyone will make fun of me. I worry about being criticized or judged by my peers. I don't live the life most people think I should be living at my age and since I criticize myself for that I imagine that everyone else is as well.

Not long ago a good friend and I were discussing the topic of personal strengths and he asked me to tell him a few that I saw in myself. I struggled to come up with some. After seeing my struggle he gave me an assignment to go home and list as many personal strengths I could come up with. Then ask two of my family members to give me two strengths that they saw in me. After talking with family I was then to ask two of my closest friends to also tell me a few strengths they saw in me. When I was all done I was supposed to send him the list of what everyone had said.

I found it very interesting that my friends and family came up with things I had not thought of myself. Why is it that others can see the good in us that we don't see in ourselves? I learned a lot from this experience as I pondered on the things they had said and spent a lot of time praying for the ability to recognize those strengths in myself. It took some time, but I am proud to say that I found those strengths. I saw them and was grateful for them.

I am a loving person full of kindness for others. I am very non-judgmental of others and accept them as they are. I'm a good listener and am always there for others when they need me. I'm very thoughtful of others and spend time planning and executing ways that I can cheer someone up or help them get through a rough time. I have very vivid mind and a talent for writing. I communicate much better through writing than any other form of communication. When writing I am truly able to express my thoughts and feelings in a way that makes sense. I also have a deep and abiding testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. This gives me the ability to remain strong in life and faith even when life seems to hit me hard and throws challenges my way that seem impossible to overcome.

Owning up to my weaknesses and recognizing my strengths helps me to understand myself a little bit better. I can't think of a better person to get to know better than myself. That may sound like a very conceited thing to say, but I firmly believe it is true. Once we come to know who we really are we are able to face life with a sense of confidence and purpose. We are able to see the good in others just as we see it in ourselves. We are able to love ourselves the way our Heavenly Father loves us. Knowing what makes us who were are gives us a special kind of power to face life head on and enjoy every minute of it.

Looking Forward

2012-01-07T02:22:00.003-07:00

This is a time of year where many people start looking forward as they set goals for things they want to accomplish, and changes they want to make. I do this as well to an extent. I plan goals and imagine what I would like my life to be like a year from now. However, at this point is is easy for me to stop, turn around, and look back at where I've been and where I am right now. I know the things I want to change and accomplish but I inadvertently end up allowing the past to rule my future. I let the mistakes and failures of my past tell me that I won't be able to make the changes I wish to make in the days ahead. Once this thought is placed in my mind I lose my gusto to start any new goals.

This is where I have to take the time to get on my knees and pour my sorrow and frustration out to the Lord. I know that on my own I probably will not be able to change the things I'd like to change...but...with the Lord by my side I can do ANYTHING!

In order to make sure I have the Lord's guiding hand in all I do I know I must always do the basics. I must study my scriptures daily, pray daily, serve others, attend my meetings, etc. If I don't exercise my faith in Him then His hands are tied and He can not bless me the way I need Him to. He stands ready and waiting for me to come to him. It's all up to me, it's all my choice.

Here's to a great New Year!

The Ending of a Year

2012-01-05T22:58:00.002-07:00

Even though we are all probably still writing 2011 down when we have to date something and may do so for another week or two, the year 2011 is officially over. I sat down earlier today to just ponder and reflect on what 2011 brought to my life. I hope you don't mind if I start of the first post of the new year by taking a little trip down memory lane...

I had a lot of fun times in 2011, crossed a few things off my bucket list, and made a bunch of awesome memories. Here are some of the things I did this past year:

Spent an awesome night with my brother going to dinner and then going to see Brian Regan perform live. It was epic!
I was able to go with my sister when she received her patriarchal blessing. What an amazing experience that was! She has such a strong spirit and is so loved by her Heavenly Father. I am very lucky to have her as my sister and best friend.
I was given a new calling that was fun but also stretched me to my limits. I learned that it's not as easy to plan ward activities as it may seem. I also learned that the Lord gives us callings to help us grow and develop not because we are perfect at the task he's asking us to do.
I yelled at an ER worker at Ogden Regional Hospital when they wouldn't let me in to see my sister who had just been brought in by ambulance after falling and breaking her ankle. I'm usually not the aggressive type but when you come between me and my family the claws come out and I will do whatever it takes to take care of my family. It was actually kind of fun, and taught me that the "stand up to anyone, no matter what" part of me is in there when I need it.
Stayed at my mom's house to help my sister with her broken ankle. Despite the difficult situation we all had a lot of fun together. I even discovered I have a hidden talent! It is probably one that will stay hidden except to family and very close friends. haha!
I went cliff jumping for the first time this summer. I know with my health jumping off cliffs probably isn't the smartest thing I've ever done, but I really wanted to do it. Now, I can cross that off my bucket list! It was an exhilarating experience. Scary and fun all at the same time. In doing this I learned a little bit more about overcoming my fears and jumping into life with all I have. I also learned the power of friends. The first time I jumped I was quite nervous but a good friend of mine stepped up and jumped with me. She didn't come up and push me off, or tease me until I jumped out of spite. She simply stepped forward as a support helping me to do it on my own. I love her for that.
I got to go on a small vacation to St. George to see a few plays at the Tuachan and spend some quality time with my mom and sister. We had such a great time! It was the perfect end to a less than ideal summer.
I had the opportunity to volunteer with an amazing organization for teen girls called The Ivy Girl Academy. It was a wonderful event and I know it blessed the lives of the girls that were there as well as my own. I hope to be able to work with this wonderful organization again. PS. If you have teen girls and live in Utah, Idaho, or Arizona check out this link and get your girls involved in this program... http://www.ivygirlacademy.com/
I was able to meet three wonderful Aussie women and attend a Time Out For Women event with them. It was great fun and very spiritually uplifting.
I developed a few new obsessions such as Pinterest, One Tree Hill, and Swagbucks.

Life is a bumpy road and the past year had plenty of up's and down's. As I look back though, I am just as grateful for the nights I stayed up all night laughing my head off, as I am the nights I cried myself to sleep because life was just too hard. Each of those moments brought something into my life. They brought joy and growth. I learned how wonderful it feels to let go of the stress and have fun. I also learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. I can do hard things.

Now I look ahead to 2012 and wonder what is in store. I wonder how many times my heart will break and how many times it will smile. I wonder what grand adventures are in store for me and those I love. I wonder what new memories I will make and treasure for the rest of my life. I look forward to whatever is headed my way; to the good times I smile in anticipation, to the bad times I say "Bring it on!"

I hope you all have a wonderful year ahead of you as well!

What Comes Next?

2011-11-10T17:00:00.004-07:00

We all know that after Halloween comes Thanksgiving and then Christmas. We know that after Fall comes Winter and then Spring. We all know that rainbows come after rain and night comes after day. But what happens when you're not sure what comes next?

I sat down one day and took a long hard look at my life, and realized that it was not the life I wanted to be living. I noticed how my focus had shifted from things that were making me a better person to things that weren't. I'm not saying that I was focused on things that were turning me into an evil person by any means, but they were taking me down pathways that were not where I wanted my life to be. I noticed that I was spending a lot of time dwelling on things that needed to be forgotten and forgetting things that I desperately needed to remember. I decided that it was time to change.

Since making the decision to change, my life has turned into a whirlwind of chaos. It seems like there are monsters lurking at every corner and when I try and turn a new direction one jumps out and scares me out of my socks! I start to wonder if I really am making good changes. Is this really what I should be doing? Are these really the best decisions I could be making? Are they really going to lead me where I want to go?

Setting off on a new path is scary and challenging. Making changes is always hard and when you are changing bad behaviors into good ones Satan comes out with his arsenal, doing everything he can to make you stop. There are days when I ask God if he sees the upside down of my life? I ask straight out why He would give me things that seem impossible to balance. I tell Him that I want easy and that I'm tired of fighting the battle. Then I sit and quietly listen. In the stillness of that moment I feel him assure me that I'm on the right path and hear Him whisper, "Don't give up".

I've packed my bags and set out on a journey. I'm putting one foot in front of the other and pushing past any monsters that may be lurking about. I'm not sure what comes next. I don't know exactly where this will lead me. I only know that answers come after prayer, blessings come after trials of our faith, and peace comes after doing what you know is right.

See Past What It Seems

2011-11-07T13:16:00.002-07:00

Today I'm not really going to write the blog post I want you to read. Instead I'm going to ask that you read a different blog post. I read this today and knew that I had to share it. While we all have our own life experiences and all go through different things I know we can all relate to the story shared in this post. I personally have been on both sides of this story and am sure that I'm not the only one. My hope is that it will touch you as much as it touched me and we can all be a little bit better because of it. So go here http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/2151 and read the post, but try not to just read it...try to really let it in and let it become a part of who you are. I know that is what I'm working on doing today.

My Life After Facebook

2011-11-02T18:55:00.003-06:00

Facebook can be a wonderful thing, It is a place where people connect and reconnect. They catch up with old friends, make new friends, share photos and update people on all the wonderful things going on in their lives on a daily basis. However, for many people Facebook also has a dark side. I am one of those people. I am very prone to "Facebook depression", and it was getting to the point that I just couldn't take it anymore this is why I made the decision to delete my account. I did not make this decision lightly. I knew that I would miss out on a lot if I went through with this, but deep down I knew that it was the right decision.

Since deleting my account a week or so ago life has been a little bit different. I knew facebook took up a lot of my time, but I didn't realize how much until it wasn't there anymore. I have had so much free time lately that it's scary! It has been wonderful though! I have developed a new obsession with the website Pinterest, so that takes some of the time facebook used to. I do not spend nearly as much time there though as I did with facebook and have been able to make some good use of this extra time. My house is much cleaner, I get more things done in a single day, and interestingly enough I have a little more energy than I used to.

I would be lying if I said leaving facebook has been all good. I do miss the association that I had with friends and family on facebook. I miss knowing what my friends around the world are doing. I miss knowing when everyone's birthday is. However, I would also be lying if I said that leaving facebook and all the good aspects of it behind wasn't worth it. I may not know what people are doing in their lives, but that's ok because it means I don't know what I'm being left out of. I may not see all the cute photos posted of friends and their spouses and kids, but that's ok because it means I don't get depressed when I realize that they are living the life I wish I had. I may not get to fb chat with friends or comment on their status updates, but it's ok because I can pick up a phone and have a real conversation with those who are real friends in life and it means so much more.

Life does go on after Facebook, and it's a good life!

Life Doesn't Stop

2011-10-18T15:47:00.005-06:00

This picture is a brief description of how I felt most of last week. It started with a slight fever and took a turn for the worse when a bad case of viral vertigo kicked in. I literally could not stand up straight for an entire day. Even the slightest movement in my sleep would wake me up with feelings of motion sickness. A good friend came and helped me to the doctor who gave me a wondrous shot and some heavenly pills to make all the dizziness go away. While there the doctor checked my ears for signs of infection that could be causing the vertigo, but found them to be perfectly fine. The next day however, I woke up with an extremely bad ear ache. The vertigo was slightly better, but the pain in my ear was torture. I went back in to the doc and this time upon checking my ears was told that I had an extremely bad ear infection. The doctors exact words were, "That is the ugliest ear infection I've seen in a long time." My response was, "Awesome" with a slight roll of my eyes...only because a full eye roll would have made me way too dizzy! He sent me home with instructions to start on antibiotics right away. The pressure in my ear was so much that when I tried to blow my nose the following day I felt a surge of pain, heard a high pitched screeching sound, and lots of popping. My ear drum had burst. A minute or two went by where the pain actually eased up a bit from the pressure releasing and draining a bit, but soon the vertigo and pain kicked back in with full force. I finally called my home teacher and asked for a blessing. I am super grateful for the power of the priesthood and those worthy and willing to use that power on my behalf. Since then I have been slowly getting a little better each day. I still have a constant ringing in my ear and waves of vertigo when the dizzy pills wear off, but the way I feel now compared to a week ago is incredible.

Life doesn't stop when you get sick. As this infection was raging in my ear I still had homework to do, appointments to attend, groceries to buy, a house to clean, and an activity to plan. Did I feel like doing any of it? Absolutely not! Wait, that deserves an extra exclamation mark. Absolutely not!! All I felt up to doing was lying on the couch snuggled up in a blanket watching I Love Lucy reruns. My super awesome mom came to my rescue one day as she brought me lunch, did my dishes, and went grocery shopping for me. After that I tried to push through the pain and do the rest of the items on my lengthy to do list the best I could.

We all have days when we don't feel like doing the things that need to be done, but we do them anyway and that is what makes us great. It is when we push through the pain that we truly accomplish something. We give up what we want in the moment, but we gain so much more in the end. This week I found myself doing things I wouldn't normally do. I reached out to others and asked for help (I'm normally really bad at that). I delegated responsibilities and didn't try to do everything myself. I grew stronger as a person because life didn't stop when I got sick.

Priorities

2011-10-03T21:32:00.003-06:00

As always listening to General Conference this weekend has given me a lot to think about. I love conference for this very reason! Every six months I get the opportunity to sit back and really think about what I'm doing with my life, where I'm headed, and what I need to work on.

While I have a lot of items on my "need to work on" list, one that has really been sticking out in my mind is how I use my time. I've been spending a lot of time lately pondering on what I want in life and what I need to do in order to achieve it. Since conference I've really given myself a kick in the butt as I've reviewed my life's priorities. I have a list of how my priorities are numbered out in my head but as I look at how I spend my time my actions don't coincide with what's in my head. In short...I've gotten lazy! This needs to change BIG time!

When I first came to this realization I tried justifying my actions because of this really good excuse and that absolutely perfect excuse, but then I looked at the date of my last blog post and knew I was in trouble. July?!? Seriously?!? For an aspiring writer and professional thinker...that is just unacceptable! Ugh! I can't believe I allowed myself to get so far behind!

I believe in change and I have some big changes to make, however, I also believe in baby steps. Changes that last usually don't occur over night. I know keeping up with this blog is not my number one priority, but it is on the list because if I'm keeping up with this then that means I'm also working on something else that is much higher on my list. So, baby step number one for me is to get back in the habit of blogging no less than once a week...but hopefully more often than that!

I am so grateful for conference and for living prophets and apostles who help me to get my life back on track!

THE CHURCH IS TRUE!

Full Speed Ahead

2011-07-30T17:43:00.004-06:00

It amazes me how fast life can change. A month ago I was living at home, keeping busy with church callings, writing, and other various projects. My schedule wasn't jam packed and I had plenty of time to hang out with friends and family as well. I was content and happy with my day to day routines.

Then on July 9th My mom, sister, and I were walking out of Target during one of those random summer rainstorms. Tara slipped on the paint marking the end of the sidewalk and beginning of the pavement. She immediately started screaming while my mom and I went into adrenaline rush mode trying to help her. When she slipped her legs practically did the splits, her right leg was twisted behind her and I bent down to swing it around so both legs were in front of her. The second I slipped her ankle into my hand I knew we were in trouble. I could literally feel it swelling up in my hand and I knew it was broken. Needless to say we ended up calling 911 and a while later the doctors confirmed I was right. They told us she had a spiral fracture in her ankle and put her in a boot with instructions to follow-up with an orthopedic.

We didn't get home from the hospital until pretty late, so I stayed at my mom's that night and got up early to head home and get ready for church. After church I packed up the majority of my house and moved back home to help take care of Tara. I have been here ever since. Tara is doing better and this week started to actually walk without the use of her walker. However, she is still in a fair amount of pain and needs a lot of help. I estimate I will probably be here until the middle or end of August.

Life for me has changed dramatically since the beginning of the month and it all happened in one split second. There are many days I sit and watch Tara crying in pain, or listen to her talk about how badly she just wants to walk and dance, and I wish I could rewind life and warn her not to step on the paint or hold on to her tighter so she didn't fall; I just want to change that one second in time. However, God did not design life this way. Life comes at us in full speed and there is no looking back.

I know we are often told not to ask the "why" questions. Why did this happen? Why Tara of all people? Yet, I've never been very good at following that counsel. I have a curious mind and so I wonder why, but as I've thought through the "why" questions I've learned a few things. These lessons are not necessarily the answers to my questions, but they are things I needed to see.

Yes, I wish I could take away all the pain and sadness my sister is experiencing. Yes, I wish I could be home sleeping in my own bed. Yes, I wish I had more time on my hands to write, hang out with friends, and do my own thing...BUT I love the time I have now to spend with Tara. I love having "arts and crafts" day with her. I love that we eat lunch and watch a movie together every single day. I love having coloring contests and telling jokes all afternoon. My favorite time of the day is lying next to her at night reading her bedtime stories.

So, what are the lessons here? God has a purpose and a plan for everything. Life is fragile; don't take one second for granted. Don't look at change as a bad thing, just a new thing. Take time to open your eyes to what's really important in life, before it's too late. Smile, no matter what you're going through. There really is a silver lining to every dark cloud. Stop looking back wishing you could change the past and move forward full speed ahead.

Stitch by Stitch

2011-07-07T03:28:00.002-06:00

I apologize that it has been such a long time since I've written anything here. Summertime came in full bloom this past month and I've been pretty busy spending time with family and other things. Although I haven't spent much time writing I have spent a lot of time thinking and contemplating where my life is headed. I am working on some new little self-improvement projects that I'm pretty excited about. My life is ready for some positive changes.

The more I think on the changes I'd like to make and certain weaknesses that I'd like to turn into strengths, the more I recognize how much I need my Heavenly Father. I love this song and have declared it as my anthem as I turn to Heavenly Father and hand him all of my broken pieces. I'm at a point in my life where I am really opening my heart up and asking him to heal me. For a long time there have been several pieces that I have been holding on to, unwilling to give them to God. I somehow thought that I could fix it myself. The only thing I've learned from this is that Heavenly Father is really the only one who can put the broken parts of my life back to together. He knows exactly where each piece fits and the right kind of thread to use to bind it in place. Sometimes I think that there are pieces of my life that are beyond repair, but the truth is that Heavenly Father can fix anything; no life is ever too broken for him. I'm not sure how things are going to turn out; I don't know what the future holds. The one thing I do know is that handing all of my broken pieces to God is the best decision I can make right now, so that is what I'm going to do. Doing this doesn't mean I'm going to wake up tomorrow feeling like a new person, changes like this take time. However, I do know that only God can make me whole again and over time he will take my broken pieces and put me together again stitch by stitch.

Week of Learning

2011-06-08T22:54:00.000-06:00

I know it's been a little while since I've posted and my last post may have left some of you feeling a bit confused as to what I was up to. I am happy to say that I am back and my leap of faith turned out to be a GREAT thing!

It's really personal and not the kind of information that I want to share with the world, so I'm not going to write about the specifics of where I've been. I will tell you about some of the things I learned though, and since I'm such a big fan of lists I'm simply going to list them out one by one. (These are really in no particular order though, just as they popped into my mind.)

Sometimes scary things really are as scary as you imagined
I'm grateful for fresh air.
I LOVE forks!
After only 3 days with no chocolate I start craving it in my dreams
The best friends EVER are the ones who will visit you no matter where you are.
Sometimes running in a circle is the best feeling ever
With Heavenly Father by my side I can accomplish even the most impossible tasks.
I am beautiful from the inside out!
It feels really good to just be me!
Baby shampoo is NOT made for adults!
Cutting the end off of a latex glove is an awesome MacGyver-type way to make a ponytail holder.
One girls cheesy comment is another girls greatest compliment!
Walking the perimeter of a room for 45 minutes straight is a great way to keep yourself awake at 4 in the morning.
The priesthood is AWESOME!
I have the best Stake President in the church.
I really am an emotional girl...ugh!
The Book of Mormon truly is applicable in every day life.
Gratitude honestly expressed really brings the spirit.
God knows me and what I am going through. He is VERY involved in my life!
I can be assertive!
The Four Agreements is an awesome book.
People notice when your light is shining.
Actions really do speak louder than words.
Setting achievable goals can be a lot of fun.
I need specific goals in order to focus my life.
I have some spiritual things I really need to work on.
Letting go is not easy.
I am so not a pet person.
Acceptance is key.
I can't change things I can't control.
An adult giving a guilt trip is like a child throwing a tantrum.
Everyone needs loving support.
I LOVE yoga!
No day is so bad that a nap can't fix it!
I don't deal with loss very well.
Don't worry what others expect of you, because it's really only you who matters.
What is good for survival is often bad for happiness.
Sometimes when our minds and bodies are shattered by life, it's only the spirit that can pull us back together and keep us alive.
Sometimes things need to be left up to just us and the Lord.
The Lord fights our battles and He never loses
There really is only one doctor in town and He's a miracle worker.
Change is easy to make, but difficult to maintain.
I really can go a week without my cell phone and/or facebook!
Nothing makes me smile more than a babies laugh.
The atonement isn't just for sin it's a part of my every day life.
I LOVE sleeping in my own bed.
Taking down walls happens one brick at a time.
Being open and honest with myself is sometimes the hardest thing to do.
I hate writing with pencils instead of pens.
The harder the experience the more profound the lesson!

Well, there you have it. I'm sure I could have kept going but I figured 50 was a good number to end on. :0) It was a long hard week, but as you can see from my list it was worth it in the end.

Leap of Faith

2011-05-22T18:34:00.003-06:00

Have you ever done something that you were scared out of your mind to do, but you knew it was what needed to be done so you did it anyway?

Tomorrow I'm doing something that I am petrified about. I REALLY don't want to do it. Every time I think about what I'm going to do I start to cry and get this awful pit in my stomach because I am scared to death to take this step. However, I've spent a lot of time over the past few days talking to my mom, bishop, and a few close friends about the pro's and con's of the situation and getting their input. I then took everything that everyone told me and my own gut feelings and I went vertical. I got on my knees and poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father. I begged Him to help me know what the right decision was, and I really feel like this is it.

Today at church someone said that when you take a leap of faith it will all work out in the end. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and taking a huge leap of faith. I am going into this putting my heart completely in God's hands. I know that the ONLY way I am going to make it through this is by trusting in Him and the love that He has for me. I'm not sure how it is going to work out, but I have promised Him I will do my best and pray that He will support me through the rest.

I recently read a quote that said, "Courage can't see around corners, but it goes around them anyway." Mignon Mclaughlin I would replace the word courage with faith. I can't see around the bend and don't know what is going to happen over the course of the next week or so, but I am making that turn anyway because things that don't change stay the same and I am in need of some serious change in my life.

If you read this, please keep me in your prayers and when I can I'll let you know how it all turned out.

Luvs & Hugs

Sleep

2011-05-16T22:21:00.010-06:00

"Without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds. "~JoJo Jensen, Dirt Farmer Wisdom, 2002

Sleep is such a wondrous thing. Sleep and I used to be the very best of friends. We would get together every night and go on wonderful adventures together. When I was little we would go to the moon, as I grew up a bit we started hanging out with cute celebrities, and then we started traveling a lot. We have been to Jamaica, Italy, Paris, and Africa. My favorite trip was when we used to visit the ocean and play with the dolphins; we did that quite often.

A few weeks ago things started to change. Sleep and I had some disagreements. At first he wanted me to hang out longer than I could and would get kind of upset at me when I would actually wake up to the alarm clock instead of just hitting snooze. I felt bad and I tried going to sleep earlier hoping this would make up for it, but sleep wasn't very forgiving and ran away. Now I can't find sleep anywhere.

I have checked under my covers every night, sometimes I check the couch, I have even tried to sneak up on him and find him in the middle of the afternoon, but he's no where to be found. I thought he might be coming back to me earlier today as I was stopped at a very long red light, but before I could welcome him back the light turned green and he left again.

I just wish my dear friend could see how much I miss him. I am not has happy and energetic as I used to be. I don't have him around to keep me from being cranky and irritable. My eyes are red and have dark circles under them from staying awake searching for him all night. I sure do hope my friend forgives me and comes back soon; until then I'll keep searching, keep turning off lights and counting the sheep waiting for him to return.

Bugged

2011-05-15T17:09:00.004-06:00

Do you ever have days where you're just bugged? Today I am bugged. I'm bugged because of people and situations in my life. I'm bugged because of things that have happened recently and things that haven't. All in all I am bugged because of the actions of others. Why do I do this? Why do I get so down on myself because of the actions of other people?

I realize that there is something in all of us that wants to be loved and liked by others and when we get our feelings hurt we have a tendency to get down on ourselves. I for one am terrible at this. I get my feelings hurt and then I start telling myself that it must be because I'm a bad friend, a loser, not fun to be around, or too sickly to be around. I allow the action of someone else to send me into a downward spiral of negative thoughts about myself.

I don't want to do this anymore. I know this comes from the natural man part of me and I need to rely more on the spiritual part of me. I know that I am a daughter of God. I am a divine being. I have a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother that think the world of me. They love me more than my mortal mind will ever be able to understand. They love me with an unconditional love. It does not matter to them if I tell a stupid joke, have a bad hair day, pass out at church, or do any number of lame things.

The truth of the matter is that nothing anyone else says or does should make any difference in my life because the only person who really matters is Heavenly Father and I already know how He feels about me.

I hope that as I spend the rest of the day contemplating the vast amount of love He has for me this feeling of being bugged will leave me and I'll be at peace with my life and who I am.

Blessings in Disguise

2011-05-11T21:45:00.001-06:00

Life is hard. I have been going through some things lately that have really got me down. I go through a lot of things that I wish I didn't have to, as I'm sure we all do. Right now I'm in a depressed state that I just can't seem to pull myself out of. All I want to do is lay around in my pj's watching TV and eating junk food. I've been in this slump for a few days and will most likely not be out of it by tomorrow, but I am slowly coming out of it.

I have been challenged by my stake president to read the Book of Mormon with the specific goal to find all the references to the Savior. In doing this I've found a lot of things I'd never noticed in any of my readings before. I've noticed similarities between my personality and that of Nephi. I've read certain verses as if the Lord were speaking directly to me. I've been humbled as I do so and have begun to feel a peace come into my heart through this challenge. It's still very small and I know I still have a lot of reading, praying, pondering, and growing to do; however, I know I am on the right track.

I first heard this song a few months ago, but it has been on my mind a lot the last few days. What if blessings really do come through raindrops? Healing through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights really is what it takes to come to know the Savior is near us? I'm not sure how many sleepless nights I have had lately or just how many tears I've cried, but I do know that my Savior is here by my side. This knowledge grows with each difficult moment that He helps me through. I may not like my trials and I may wish I didn't have to go through them, but they are blessings in disguise bringing me closer to the Lord.

Trash = Treasure

2011-04-22T20:19:00.006-06:00

It's been said that 'one person's trash is another man's treasure'. I have a cabbage patch doll that I got when I was 6. It has scuff marks all over it's face and head. The outfit it has on has a small stain on the back and little fluff bunnies all over it. There is some kind of soda pop stain on it's left knee, and the entire skin of the baby is kind of dingy looking. Most people probably look at this doll and think I should trash it, however this doll is a priceless treasure to me.

Twenty-four years ago this week my little sister, Tara, was born. Tara has down syndrome and had some serious health challenges when she was first born. During that time she was held in the nicu of the hospital and being such a small child I was not allowed in there. This was a terrible thing for me, I had waited a long time for a little sister to play with and now she was here and no one would let me see her. I remember standing outside the door peering in the window as different family members would go in and see her. I even have pictures of me standing around crying because I wanted to see her so badly.

Eventually the day came that Tara was released from the hospital and I would finally get to meet her. I anxiously sat in a waiting area of the hospital while my parents went in to get my sister. When the big brown doors opened my mom came out holding my baby sister, she was followed by my dad and a nurse who also had something in her arms. My mom sat down next to me and introduced me to my sister. The nurse then approached me and handed me a brand new baby cabbage patch doll with a hospital band around it's wrist proclaiming me as it's mother. My mom and I both left the hospital that day cradling our newborns.

Over the next while every time my mom sat down to feed my sister I would be sitting right next to her feeding a bottle to my own baby. My baby doll got it's diaper changed, took a bath, and was rocked to sleep at the exact same time my baby sister did. You could say they were practically twins! I felt so close to my mom and my sister as we did all of these things together.

Well my sister outgrew the diapers and I outgrew playing with dolls, but we never outgrew each other. Tara and I are still the best of friends doing many things together. Whenever I look at my seemingly banged up little cabbage patch doll I recall those tender moments we had when she was just small and the love that bonded us together for a lifetime.

So Much To Say...

2011-04-05T14:04:00.003-06:00

I know it's been a while since I've really sat down and written something here...at least it feels like it has...but life has a way of getting busy and certain things are higher on my list of priorities. A lot has been happening and I could probably write a navel about what I've been thinking, doing, and learning lately. I'll spare you the details though and try to keep this short and sweet by simply giving some highlights.

First on my mind right now is General Conference. Wow, what a wonderful 2 days of messages from the leaders of the church. Elder Holland said that if you listen with the spirit you will find a personal epistle in at least of of the messages shared...I found several. As I look back over the notes I took I find so many little nuggets of inspiration for things I am struggling with right now. I find counsel that seems to magnify the counsel given to me by my bishop in recent discussions we've had. Most importantly I find answers to my prayers. I love the spirit conference brings into my life. It is truly a light in the midst of dark times. I will be spending the next six months pondering these messages and applying the principles taught into my life.

Another idea that has been on my mind a lot lately is making the best of difficult circumstances. I believe that we are truly as happy as we decide to be. However, sometimes things happen in our lives that make it really hard to feel happy. I have been striving to be happy no matter what is going on around me. It's not easy, but I know that the harder I try the stronger it is making me. I read the following quotation in a book I read recently and love the message of it. "We can spend our days bemoaning our losses, or we can grow from them. Ultimately the choice is ours. We can be victims of our circumstance or masters of our own fate, but make no mistake, we cannot be both." I choose to be a master of my own fate. I choose to decide what effects my happiness and what doesn't. It's a work in progress for me, but I like the way it's going.

Finally I will post the results of my March Madness book reading goal. I truly loved doing this and feel like it really helped me in combating the time-suck monster I wrote about a few weeks ago. During the month of March I read 8 books!

Before My Heart Stops by Paul Cardall

Tramp for the Lord by Corrie Ten Boom

Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis

The Golden Spiral by Lisa Mangum

Reaching Higher by Steven Cramer

Cold as Ice by Stephanie Black

I love reading and during the month I read some fun fictional books and some inspirational books that got me thinking. I hope to continue being able to read as much as I did this month. Reading opens up a part of me that is really hard to explain. Life just seems comfortable and right when I am engrossed in reading. I ordered two more books today that I'm excited to read and have several books at home that I have bought and never got around to reading. I'm looking forward to keeping this habit of reading going. Maybe I'll post a list of the books I've read at the end of each month...just as a bit of FYI for you who read this and a motivation for me to not slack off! Ha!

I Love My Brother

2011-03-27T21:59:00.003-06:00

For some reason I've been feeling a bit reminiscent tonight and have been watching some old movies of my family. I have watched the following clip over and over. I can't help but smile and laugh every time I watch it. I even catch myself cheering and clapping at the end. I love my brother. He has an amazing voice (that I wish I heard more often) and super awesome personality.

BTW, he's the one in the shorts.

Revising Life

2011-03-24T13:58:00.002-06:00

I've been taking an online writing class and really thinking about the whole writing process. First, I start with a bit of free writing to simply get my thoughts down on paper then I go back and sift through it to see what is worth keeping. From there I write, revise, and write some more, I tweak certain parts changing certain words to make the thoughts I'm trying to express come out right. By the time I print up the final draft I have revised the original several times.

Oh how I wish I could use this process with real life as well. I face situations every day where I say things I wish I hadn't or act without thinking it through. How wonderful it would be to go back and tweak a few of my words and/or actions. I would revise all the times I judged a person or situation without knowing the full story. I would tweak all the words that I blurt out without thinking how they may affect those around me. I would discard all the times I let my emotions control my actions and hurt friendships in the process.

While I write the story of my life each and every day I am writing with permanent ink. Things I have said and done can not be erased. The best I can do is learn from those unguarded moments and do better to write it right the first time.

The Time-Suck Monster

2011-03-10T22:41:00.003-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the way I use my time. Time is a precious gift and we only get one shot at it. Once time has past we can never get it back. There are days that I wish life was like tivo and I could rewind, fast-forward, and even pause it. However, for VERY good reasons I was not involved in the planning committee on how time would be governed in this life. Life is and always will be in constant play mode, our job is to make the most of every second and not need any of the other buttons.

I spent last week evaluating my time. I didn't change anything in my normal routines. I simply went about my days the way I typically do, only I carried a timer with me. Whenever I engaged in a particular activity I started the timer and when I was done I stopped it and recorded the amount of time that had gone by. After a week I looked over how I had spent my time during the week. I was pretty disappointed in myself when I saw the results. The majority of my time was spent mouse-clicking through the internet. Runner-up went to watching movies and T.V. Next on the list was sleeping...I like sleep! Then there was time with friends and family. Glancing over the numbers it didn't take a rocket science to figure out my life was out of balance.

I was pretty shocked to see how much time I actually spent doing certain things. The timer experiment really opened my eyes to how easily time can slip away from us if we are not careful. I know some days I would sit down at the computer and say that I was just going to take a second to update my facebook status and check my email and that would be it...hours later I was prying my fingers off the mouse and dragging myself away from the computer. Some nights I tell myself I'm just going to play a quick game of solitaire before bed and then find myself falling asleep on the keyboard. I decided that the internet has a hidden monster inside of it...kind of like the one in the dryer that is always eating up my socks...it is a time-suck monster! You sit down with good intentions to not spend much time, but before you even realize it the sun is setting behind you and your left wondering what happened to the day. I'm sure other things have time-suck monsters in them as well but for me personally the internet holds the most vicious one.

In order to try and fight off this ugly monster I have been working harder to create a balance in my schedule. I am still carrying around my timer but this time I am setting it for the amount of time I will allow myself to indulge in a certain activity like watching tv or playing around on the internet. Once the timer goes off I force myself to walk away from the status updates and do something different...something more productive. I still fall prey to the time-suck monster now and then (I think sometimes he reaches through the screen and resets my timer!) however, I feel as though I have done much better at being proactive this week. I shall continue on my quest to completely destroy the time-suck monster, but for now I feel slightly victorious. I think I may go celebrate my victory with a banana split. :0)

March Madness Update: I am currently reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis which is my 4th book so far this month!

P.S. Good news for the day...It was sunny and warm! Yay for Spring!

March Madness

2011-03-03T14:46:00.002-07:00

Spring is trying to creep it's way through the clouds of winter and with that comes many things. The birds are chirping more, the sun is shining more, and college basketball scores are all over the news. I know many people are gearing up to fill out their march madness brackets and pick a winner, but I have a different kind of march madness in mind. I heard of a friend that was doing this and decided to follow suit. I am setting a goal to spend less time on the computer and more time in books. I want to see how many books I can read in the month of March. I am not going to set a goal of a certain number because I don't want that to hold me back I am simply going to read, read, and read when the month is over we'll see how I did.

I'll try to post on here and keep you updated on how I'm doing and what books I'm reading. You can also track my progress on goodreads.com I update that with each book I finish.

I think I'm off to a good start considering it is only the 3rd of March and I just finished my first book. Before My Heart Stops by Paul Cardall was a great book about all that he went through while waiting for a heart transplant. I would recommend it as a great read that makes you want to go out and live life to the fullest.

As I contemplate what books I'm going to read over the course of the month it makes me stop and wonder what are some of your favorite books?? So, if you are reading this I challenge you to make a comment on this post and share what books you have really loved. If I haven't already read them, then I'll be sure to add them to my list. Thanks!

February Focus Project

2011-03-01T01:27:00.009-07:00

This month for my word project the assignment was to cultivate my awareness of my word in the world by looking through the lens of a camera. The idea was to open our eyes a bit more and help us to be more consistently aware of our word. We were supposed to take pictures that we can look back on, reflect on and say, "Okay, this is a representation of my word or this is why I chose this word.

I'm not going to spend much if any time explaining the why behind my photo's if I did my project right you should be able to kind of see for yourself the reasoning behind the picture and what goals it represents. So, here are some of the pictures that I have been working on...

Questions & Answers

2011-02-24T13:07:00.004-07:00

Last night I was home alone sitting on my bed reading my scriptures and pondering over my lesson for Sunday. I read a few scriptures that made me really think about things. I started contemplating how it all related to me and my life and started to have some real questions. I sat there staring at my scriptures and just started to ask these questions out loud. I wasn't necessarily praying it was more like I was simply thinking out loud. Each of my questions seemed to get more and more personal and to the core of things I'm struggling with and soon the tears started to form. Finally I closed my scriptures, said a real prayer, and went to bed.

Today I went and visited a seminary class taught by my bishop. I was a bit late and didn't talk to him at all before the class. He didn't know of my experience last night and had no idea what kind of thoughts and questions were floating through my head. While I had told him I was coming to visit his class he didn't do anything different, he was simply doing what he does everyday; teaching his class and answering their questions.

I watched him pick up a piece of paper and read a question one of his students had anonymously asked...the question seemed familiar. As Bishop Dixon went about answering this question I found he was also answering many of the questions I had pondered alone in my room last night. Some of these answers came directly from what he was saying and others came because as he spoke the spirit used his words to whisper other words to my heart.

I know that the questions I asked while seemingly all alone last night were heard by someone who cared enough to send the answers. While I still may have a few thoughts and questions lingering in my head I know that I am not alone in the things I am dealing with. I know things will find a way of working out. Most importantly I know that my Father in Heaven is listening and will help me to find all the answers I need just when I need them most.

Focus

2011-02-20T18:34:00.002-07:00

I find it interesting how certain pieces of our lives fit together and tend to take it as a sign the world is trying to teach me something.

Earlier this month I chose the word "Focus" to be the word I was going to use for different goals and projects I'm working on. When I did this I was thinking of the things in my life that I want to focus on, things I want to bring a deeper awareness to in my life. Well, as I was thinking about all of this something else was happening inside of me...

In December my eyes started kind of bugging me. They were always red and stinging. A few days after Christmas I decided I couldn't take it anymore and went to see a doctor. He took a small look at my eyes and said that I had an eye infection. He gave me some antibiotic eye drops and sent me home. I used the drops for a few days and thought I was feeling better and so I didn't really think much about it for a while. However, slowly my eyes started getting bad again. I would have days where they would both hurt, days only one would hurt, and days they'd both be just fine. I also started noticing that things were getting harder and harder to see. I had to adjust the screen resolution on my computer just so I could read it without having my nose touching the screen! I kept thinking it was just because I was wearing my glasses more than my contacts and that was the reason things were so blurry. Well last Saturday I woke up and my eyes were both dark red, they were hurting so bad and I realized it had been almost 2 months since this all first started, so I headed back to the instacare and saw a different doctor this time. As I was telling him my symptoms I could tell he was thinking it was going to be classic pink eye and I was feeling stupid for having come back to the doctor again. Then he actually took a look in my eye. His demeanor completely changed and he started acting concerned. He commented on how inflamed my eyes were and said he was worried this was much more than just an eye infection. He set me up to see an ophthalmologist. At the eye doctor we discovered that I do not have an eye infection at all, but I have chronic dry eye. A problem in my tear ducts that is causing my eyes to not get the lubrication they need. The dryness is causing tissue on my eye to die resulting in my blurred vision. He put me on 3 different kind of eye drops and told me to use them six times a day.

As I have tried to prepare my "focus" based projects with the blurred vision I have had a lot of time to contemplate the importance of focus and clarity in all aspects of our lives. In the beginning I was thinking mostly of outward things like focusing on my schoolwork and need for regular exercise. Now, I have been able to see the need for more than just a physical focus. A focus on inner things as well. I need to add clarity to my testimony, and focus more on my Savior. My blurred vision is teaching me that when one thing is out of focus all things get out of focus and can cause a domino effect on everything in our lives. There is a true need for balance in all things.

Trying to bring my eyes back into focus is not easy, nor is it fun. My eyes still hurt quite a bit. I still have days where the last thing I want to do is open my eyes, but I kind of have to in order to function. Putting drops in my eyes six times a day isn't all that convenient but it's what is necessary. I have a feeling that the things I need to do in order to bring clarity back into my life may not be fun, easy, or convenient either but they will be necessary. Gaining back my life's focus and maintaining it is my goal for this year. A goal I will be reminded of every time I put those drops in my eyes.