A Butterfly World

Balancing Act

2012-01-18T17:23:00.002-07:00

My entire life has been one big balancing act. I try hard to stay on the Well side of this scale, but too often find myself teetering between the two...or all the way on the Sick side.

Today I feel like I'm right in the middle. I have a sore throat, ear that slightly aches, and a mild headache. I don't feel on my deathbed sick, but I'm not feeling healthy as an ox either. At times like this it's hard to know how to react. Any one thing could tip the scale one way or another. If I try to do too much I could find myself sliding towards illness. If I go to the doctor and catch an illness before it hits to hard I would be headed for healthier days. However, I am not one to go to the doctor unless I really feel like there is something they could do for me. So, for now I will spend my time right in the middle of the scale. I will drink lots of OJ, spend all day on the couch watching movies, take some ibuprofen, and hope things get better before they get worse.

Strengths and Weaknesses

2012-01-08T02:42:00.003-07:00

Have you ever been sitting in an interview and been asked to tell them some of your strengths and some of your weaknesses? I have and I struggle with finding an answer every time. Why is it so difficult to admit our weaknesses and to acknowledge our strengths? This question applies to all of life as well, not just in an interview.

I believe we all need to take a step back and really own up to our weaknesses. We need to clean out the closet and humble ourselves enough to realize that we aren't perfect and that's okay, we weren't meant to be. Once we humbly admit our weaknesses we can find a way to push past them, work around them, and most importantly let God turn them into strengths. As I talk about recognizing our weaknesses I do not mean that we nit pick every little thing we don't like about ourselves and end up with a list a mile long and still growing. This is not a productive recognition of weakness, it is a way of beating ourselves up and will ultimately only drag us down emotionally.

A few of the weaknesses I see in myself are the fact that I am very shy when I first meet people. I don't like to be the center of attention. When I'm in large groups of people, especially ones I don't know very well, I would much rather sit back and observe everyone rather than get up and participate in whatever is going on. Because of this I tend to miss out on a lot of the fun. I am easily overlooked and forgotten about because I kept myself on the sidelines and not in the limelight. Another weaknesses of mine is that I am constantly worried about what others are thinking of me. I worry that I will do something stupid and everyone will make fun of me. I worry about being criticized or judged by my peers. I don't live the life most people think I should be living at my age and since I criticize myself for that I imagine that everyone else is as well.

Not long ago a good friend and I were discussing the topic of personal strengths and he asked me to tell him a few that I saw in myself. I struggled to come up with some. After seeing my struggle he gave me an assignment to go home and list as many personal strengths I could come up with. Then ask two of my family members to give me two strengths that they saw in me. After talking with family I was then to ask two of my closest friends to also tell me a few strengths they saw in me. When I was all done I was supposed to send him the list of what everyone had said.

I found it very interesting that my friends and family came up with things I had not thought of myself. Why is it that others can see the good in us that we don't see in ourselves? I learned a lot from this experience as I pondered on the things they had said and spent a lot of time praying for the ability to recognize those strengths in myself. It took some time, but I am proud to say that I found those strengths. I saw them and was grateful for them.

I am a loving person full of kindness for others. I am very non-judgmental of others and accept them as they are. I'm a good listener and am always there for others when they need me. I'm very thoughtful of others and spend time planning and executing ways that I can cheer someone up or help them get through a rough time. I have very vivid mind and a talent for writing. I communicate much better through writing than any other form of communication. When writing I am truly able to express my thoughts and feelings in a way that makes sense. I also have a deep and abiding testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. This gives me the ability to remain strong in life and faith even when life seems to hit me hard and throws challenges my way that seem impossible to overcome.

Owning up to my weaknesses and recognizing my strengths helps me to understand myself a little bit better. I can't think of a better person to get to know better than myself. That may sound like a very conceited thing to say, but I firmly believe it is true. Once we come to know who we really are we are able to face life with a sense of confidence and purpose. We are able to see the good in others just as we see it in ourselves. We are able to love ourselves the way our Heavenly Father loves us. Knowing what makes us who were are gives us a special kind of power to face life head on and enjoy every minute of it.

Looking Forward

2012-01-07T02:22:00.003-07:00

This is a time of year where many people start looking forward as they set goals for things they want to accomplish, and changes they want to make. I do this as well to an extent. I plan goals and imagine what I would like my life to be like a year from now. However, at this point is is easy for me to stop, turn around, and look back at where I've been and where I am right now. I know the things I want to change and accomplish but I inadvertently end up allowing the past to rule my future. I let the mistakes and failures of my past tell me that I won't be able to make the changes I wish to make in the days ahead. Once this thought is placed in my mind I lose my gusto to start any new goals.

This is where I have to take the time to get on my knees and pour my sorrow and frustration out to the Lord. I know that on my own I probably will not be able to change the things I'd like to change...but...with the Lord by my side I can do ANYTHING!

In order to make sure I have the Lord's guiding hand in all I do I know I must always do the basics. I must study my scriptures daily, pray daily, serve others, attend my meetings, etc. If I don't exercise my faith in Him then His hands are tied and He can not bless me the way I need Him to. He stands ready and waiting for me to come to him. It's all up to me, it's all my choice.

Here's to a great New Year!

The Ending of a Year

2012-01-05T22:58:00.002-07:00

Even though we are all probably still writing 2011 down when we have to date something and may do so for another week or two, the year 2011 is officially over. I sat down earlier today to just ponder and reflect on what 2011 brought to my life. I hope you don't mind if I start of the first post of the new year by taking a little trip down memory lane...

I had a lot of fun times in 2011, crossed a few things off my bucket list, and made a bunch of awesome memories. Here are some of the things I did this past year:

Spent an awesome night with my brother going to dinner and then going to see Brian Regan perform live. It was epic!
I was able to go with my sister when she received her patriarchal blessing. What an amazing experience that was! She has such a strong spirit and is so loved by her Heavenly Father. I am very lucky to have her as my sister and best friend.
I was given a new calling that was fun but also stretched me to my limits. I learned that it's not as easy to plan ward activities as it may seem. I also learned that the Lord gives us callings to help us grow and develop not because we are perfect at the task he's asking us to do.
I yelled at an ER worker at Ogden Regional Hospital when they wouldn't let me in to see my sister who had just been brought in by ambulance after falling and breaking her ankle. I'm usually not the aggressive type but when you come between me and my family the claws come out and I will do whatever it takes to take care of my family. It was actually kind of fun, and taught me that the "stand up to anyone, no matter what" part of me is in there when I need it.
Stayed at my mom's house to help my sister with her broken ankle. Despite the difficult situation we all had a lot of fun together. I even discovered I have a hidden talent! It is probably one that will stay hidden except to family and very close friends. haha!
I went cliff jumping for the first time this summer. I know with my health jumping off cliffs probably isn't the smartest thing I've ever done, but I really wanted to do it. Now, I can cross that off my bucket list! It was an exhilarating experience. Scary and fun all at the same time. In doing this I learned a little bit more about overcoming my fears and jumping into life with all I have. I also learned the power of friends. The first time I jumped I was quite nervous but a good friend of mine stepped up and jumped with me. She didn't come up and push me off, or tease me until I jumped out of spite. She simply stepped forward as a support helping me to do it on my own. I love her for that.
I got to go on a small vacation to St. George to see a few plays at the Tuachan and spend some quality time with my mom and sister. We had such a great time! It was the perfect end to a less than ideal summer.
I had the opportunity to volunteer with an amazing organization for teen girls called The Ivy Girl Academy. It was a wonderful event and I know it blessed the lives of the girls that were there as well as my own. I hope to be able to work with this wonderful organization again. PS. If you have teen girls and live in Utah, Idaho, or Arizona check out this link and get your girls involved in this program... http://www.ivygirlacademy.com/
I was able to meet three wonderful Aussie women and attend a Time Out For Women event with them. It was great fun and very spiritually uplifting.
I developed a few new obsessions such as Pinterest, One Tree Hill, and Swagbucks.

Life is a bumpy road and the past year had plenty of up's and down's. As I look back though, I am just as grateful for the nights I stayed up all night laughing my head off, as I am the nights I cried myself to sleep because life was just too hard. Each of those moments brought something into my life. They brought joy and growth. I learned how wonderful it feels to let go of the stress and have fun. I also learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. I can do hard things.

Now I look ahead to 2012 and wonder what is in store. I wonder how many times my heart will break and how many times it will smile. I wonder what grand adventures are in store for me and those I love. I wonder what new memories I will make and treasure for the rest of my life. I look forward to whatever is headed my way; to the good times I smile in anticipation, to the bad times I say "Bring it on!"

I hope you all have a wonderful year ahead of you as well!

What Comes Next?

2011-11-10T17:00:00.004-07:00

We all know that after Halloween comes Thanksgiving and then Christmas. We know that after Fall comes Winter and then Spring. We all know that rainbows come after rain and night comes after day. But what happens when you're not sure what comes next?

I sat down one day and took a long hard look at my life, and realized that it was not the life I wanted to be living. I noticed how my focus had shifted from things that were making me a better person to things that weren't. I'm not saying that I was focused on things that were turning me into an evil person by any means, but they were taking me down pathways that were not where I wanted my life to be. I noticed that I was spending a lot of time dwelling on things that needed to be forgotten and forgetting things that I desperately needed to remember. I decided that it was time to change.

Since making the decision to change, my life has turned into a whirlwind of chaos. It seems like there are monsters lurking at every corner and when I try and turn a new direction one jumps out and scares me out of my socks! I start to wonder if I really am making good changes. Is this really what I should be doing? Are these really the best decisions I could be making? Are they really going to lead me where I want to go?

Setting off on a new path is scary and challenging. Making changes is always hard and when you are changing bad behaviors into good ones Satan comes out with his arsenal, doing everything he can to make you stop. There are days when I ask God if he sees the upside down of my life? I ask straight out why He would give me things that seem impossible to balance. I tell Him that I want easy and that I'm tired of fighting the battle. Then I sit and quietly listen. In the stillness of that moment I feel him assure me that I'm on the right path and hear Him whisper, "Don't give up".

I've packed my bags and set out on a journey. I'm putting one foot in front of the other and pushing past any monsters that may be lurking about. I'm not sure what comes next. I don't know exactly where this will lead me. I only know that answers come after prayer, blessings come after trials of our faith, and peace comes after doing what you know is right.

See Past What It Seems

2011-11-07T13:16:00.002-07:00

Today I'm not really going to write the blog post I want you to read. Instead I'm going to ask that you read a different blog post. I read this today and knew that I had to share it. While we all have our own life experiences and all go through different things I know we can all relate to the story shared in this post. I personally have been on both sides of this story and am sure that I'm not the only one. My hope is that it will touch you as much as it touched me and we can all be a little bit better because of it. So go here http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/2151 and read the post, but try not to just read it...try to really let it in and let it become a part of who you are. I know that is what I'm working on doing today.

My Life After Facebook

2011-11-02T18:55:00.003-06:00

Facebook can be a wonderful thing, It is a place where people connect and reconnect. They catch up with old friends, make new friends, share photos and update people on all the wonderful things going on in their lives on a daily basis. However, for many people Facebook also has a dark side. I am one of those people. I am very prone to "Facebook depression", and it was getting to the point that I just couldn't take it anymore this is why I made the decision to delete my account. I did not make this decision lightly. I knew that I would miss out on a lot if I went through with this, but deep down I knew that it was the right decision.

Since deleting my account a week or so ago life has been a little bit different. I knew facebook took up a lot of my time, but I didn't realize how much until it wasn't there anymore. I have had so much free time lately that it's scary! It has been wonderful though! I have developed a new obsession with the website Pinterest, so that takes some of the time facebook used to. I do not spend nearly as much time there though as I did with facebook and have been able to make some good use of this extra time. My house is much cleaner, I get more things done in a single day, and interestingly enough I have a little more energy than I used to.

I would be lying if I said leaving facebook has been all good. I do miss the association that I had with friends and family on facebook. I miss knowing what my friends around the world are doing. I miss knowing when everyone's birthday is. However, I would also be lying if I said that leaving facebook and all the good aspects of it behind wasn't worth it. I may not know what people are doing in their lives, but that's ok because it means I don't know what I'm being left out of. I may not see all the cute photos posted of friends and their spouses and kids, but that's ok because it means I don't get depressed when I realize that they are living the life I wish I had. I may not get to fb chat with friends or comment on their status updates, but it's ok because I can pick up a phone and have a real conversation with those who are real friends in life and it means so much more.

Life does go on after Facebook, and it's a good life!

Life Doesn't Stop

2011-10-18T15:47:00.005-06:00

This picture is a brief description of how I felt most of last week. It started with a slight fever and took a turn for the worse when a bad case of viral vertigo kicked in. I literally could not stand up straight for an entire day. Even the slightest movement in my sleep would wake me up with feelings of motion sickness. A good friend came and helped me to the doctor who gave me a wondrous shot and some heavenly pills to make all the dizziness go away. While there the doctor checked my ears for signs of infection that could be causing the vertigo, but found them to be perfectly fine. The next day however, I woke up with an extremely bad ear ache. The vertigo was slightly better, but the pain in my ear was torture. I went back in to the doc and this time upon checking my ears was told that I had an extremely bad ear infection. The doctors exact words were, "That is the ugliest ear infection I've seen in a long time." My response was, "Awesome" with a slight roll of my eyes...only because a full eye roll would have made me way too dizzy! He sent me home with instructions to start on antibiotics right away. The pressure in my ear was so much that when I tried to blow my nose the following day I felt a surge of pain, heard a high pitched screeching sound, and lots of popping. My ear drum had burst. A minute or two went by where the pain actually eased up a bit from the pressure releasing and draining a bit, but soon the vertigo and pain kicked back in with full force. I finally called my home teacher and asked for a blessing. I am super grateful for the power of the priesthood and those worthy and willing to use that power on my behalf. Since then I have been slowly getting a little better each day. I still have a constant ringing in my ear and waves of vertigo when the dizzy pills wear off, but the way I feel now compared to a week ago is incredible.

Life doesn't stop when you get sick. As this infection was raging in my ear I still had homework to do, appointments to attend, groceries to buy, a house to clean, and an activity to plan. Did I feel like doing any of it? Absolutely not! Wait, that deserves an extra exclamation mark. Absolutely not!! All I felt up to doing was lying on the couch snuggled up in a blanket watching I Love Lucy reruns. My super awesome mom came to my rescue one day as she brought me lunch, did my dishes, and went grocery shopping for me. After that I tried to push through the pain and do the rest of the items on my lengthy to do list the best I could.

We all have days when we don't feel like doing the things that need to be done, but we do them anyway and that is what makes us great. It is when we push through the pain that we truly accomplish something. We give up what we want in the moment, but we gain so much more in the end. This week I found myself doing things I wouldn't normally do. I reached out to others and asked for help (I'm normally really bad at that). I delegated responsibilities and didn't try to do everything myself. I grew stronger as a person because life didn't stop when I got sick.

Priorities

2011-10-03T21:32:00.003-06:00

As always listening to General Conference this weekend has given me a lot to think about. I love conference for this very reason! Every six months I get the opportunity to sit back and really think about what I'm doing with my life, where I'm headed, and what I need to work on.

While I have a lot of items on my "need to work on" list, one that has really been sticking out in my mind is how I use my time. I've been spending a lot of time lately pondering on what I want in life and what I need to do in order to achieve it. Since conference I've really given myself a kick in the butt as I've reviewed my life's priorities. I have a list of how my priorities are numbered out in my head but as I look at how I spend my time my actions don't coincide with what's in my head. In short...I've gotten lazy! This needs to change BIG time!

When I first came to this realization I tried justifying my actions because of this really good excuse and that absolutely perfect excuse, but then I looked at the date of my last blog post and knew I was in trouble. July?!? Seriously?!? For an aspiring writer and professional thinker...that is just unacceptable! Ugh! I can't believe I allowed myself to get so far behind!

I believe in change and I have some big changes to make, however, I also believe in baby steps. Changes that last usually don't occur over night. I know keeping up with this blog is not my number one priority, but it is on the list because if I'm keeping up with this then that means I'm also working on something else that is much higher on my list. So, baby step number one for me is to get back in the habit of blogging no less than once a week...but hopefully more often than that!

I am so grateful for conference and for living prophets and apostles who help me to get my life back on track!

THE CHURCH IS TRUE!

Full Speed Ahead

2011-07-30T17:43:00.004-06:00

It amazes me how fast life can change. A month ago I was living at home, keeping busy with church callings, writing, and other various projects. My schedule wasn't jam packed and I had plenty of time to hang out with friends and family as well. I was content and happy with my day to day routines.

Then on July 9th My mom, sister, and I were walking out of Target during one of those random summer rainstorms. Tara slipped on the paint marking the end of the sidewalk and beginning of the pavement. She immediately started screaming while my mom and I went into adrenaline rush mode trying to help her. When she slipped her legs practically did the splits, her right leg was twisted behind her and I bent down to swing it around so both legs were in front of her. The second I slipped her ankle into my hand I knew we were in trouble. I could literally feel it swelling up in my hand and I knew it was broken. Needless to say we ended up calling 911 and a while later the doctors confirmed I was right. They told us she had a spiral fracture in her ankle and put her in a boot with instructions to follow-up with an orthopedic.

We didn't get home from the hospital until pretty late, so I stayed at my mom's that night and got up early to head home and get ready for church. After church I packed up the majority of my house and moved back home to help take care of Tara. I have been here ever since. Tara is doing better and this week started to actually walk without the use of her walker. However, she is still in a fair amount of pain and needs a lot of help. I estimate I will probably be here until the middle or end of August.

Life for me has changed dramatically since the beginning of the month and it all happened in one split second. There are many days I sit and watch Tara crying in pain, or listen to her talk about how badly she just wants to walk and dance, and I wish I could rewind life and warn her not to step on the paint or hold on to her tighter so she didn't fall; I just want to change that one second in time. However, God did not design life this way. Life comes at us in full speed and there is no looking back.

I know we are often told not to ask the "why" questions. Why did this happen? Why Tara of all people? Yet, I've never been very good at following that counsel. I have a curious mind and so I wonder why, but as I've thought through the "why" questions I've learned a few things. These lessons are not necessarily the answers to my questions, but they are things I needed to see.

Yes, I wish I could take away all the pain and sadness my sister is experiencing. Yes, I wish I could be home sleeping in my own bed. Yes, I wish I had more time on my hands to write, hang out with friends, and do my own thing...BUT I love the time I have now to spend with Tara. I love having "arts and crafts" day with her. I love that we eat lunch and watch a movie together every single day. I love having coloring contests and telling jokes all afternoon. My favorite time of the day is lying next to her at night reading her bedtime stories.

So, what are the lessons here? God has a purpose and a plan for everything. Life is fragile; don't take one second for granted. Don't look at change as a bad thing, just a new thing. Take time to open your eyes to what's really important in life, before it's too late. Smile, no matter what you're going through. There really is a silver lining to every dark cloud. Stop looking back wishing you could change the past and move forward full speed ahead.

Stitch by Stitch

2011-07-07T03:28:00.002-06:00

I apologize that it has been such a long time since I've written anything here. Summertime came in full bloom this past month and I've been pretty busy spending time with family and other things. Although I haven't spent much time writing I have spent a lot of time thinking and contemplating where my life is headed. I am working on some new little self-improvement projects that I'm pretty excited about. My life is ready for some positive changes.

The more I think on the changes I'd like to make and certain weaknesses that I'd like to turn into strengths, the more I recognize how much I need my Heavenly Father. I love this song and have declared it as my anthem as I turn to Heavenly Father and hand him all of my broken pieces. I'm at a point in my life where I am really opening my heart up and asking him to heal me. For a long time there have been several pieces that I have been holding on to, unwilling to give them to God. I somehow thought that I could fix it myself. The only thing I've learned from this is that Heavenly Father is really the only one who can put the broken parts of my life back to together. He knows exactly where each piece fits and the right kind of thread to use to bind it in place. Sometimes I think that there are pieces of my life that are beyond repair, but the truth is that Heavenly Father can fix anything; no life is ever too broken for him. I'm not sure how things are going to turn out; I don't know what the future holds. The one thing I do know is that handing all of my broken pieces to God is the best decision I can make right now, so that is what I'm going to do. Doing this doesn't mean I'm going to wake up tomorrow feeling like a new person, changes like this take time. However, I do know that only God can make me whole again and over time he will take my broken pieces and put me together again stitch by stitch.

Week of Learning

2011-06-08T22:54:00.000-06:00

I know it's been a little while since I've posted and my last post may have left some of you feeling a bit confused as to what I was up to. I am happy to say that I am back and my leap of faith turned out to be a GREAT thing!

It's really personal and not the kind of information that I want to share with the world, so I'm not going to write about the specifics of where I've been. I will tell you about some of the things I learned though, and since I'm such a big fan of lists I'm simply going to list them out one by one. (These are really in no particular order though, just as they popped into my mind.)

Sometimes scary things really are as scary as you imagined
I'm grateful for fresh air.
I LOVE forks!
After only 3 days with no chocolate I start craving it in my dreams
The best friends EVER are the ones who will visit you no matter where you are.
Sometimes running in a circle is the best feeling ever
With Heavenly Father by my side I can accomplish even the most impossible tasks.
I am beautiful from the inside out!
It feels really good to just be me!
Baby shampoo is NOT made for adults!
Cutting the end off of a latex glove is an awesome MacGyver-type way to make a ponytail holder.
One girls cheesy comment is another girls greatest compliment!
Walking the perimeter of a room for 45 minutes straight is a great way to keep yourself awake at 4 in the morning.
The priesthood is AWESOME!
I have the best Stake President in the church.
I really am an emotional girl...ugh!
The Book of Mormon truly is applicable in every day life.
Gratitude honestly expressed really brings the spirit.
God knows me and what I am going through. He is VERY involved in my life!
I can be assertive!
The Four Agreements is an awesome book.
People notice when your light is shining.
Actions really do speak louder than words.
Setting achievable goals can be a lot of fun.
I need specific goals in order to focus my life.
I have some spiritual things I really need to work on.
Letting go is not easy.
I am so not a pet person.
Acceptance is key.
I can't change things I can't control.
An adult giving a guilt trip is like a child throwing a tantrum.
Everyone needs loving support.
I LOVE yoga!
No day is so bad that a nap can't fix it!
I don't deal with loss very well.
Don't worry what others expect of you, because it's really only you who matters.
What is good for survival is often bad for happiness.
Sometimes when our minds and bodies are shattered by life, it's only the spirit that can pull us back together and keep us alive.
Sometimes things need to be left up to just us and the Lord.
The Lord fights our battles and He never loses
There really is only one doctor in town and He's a miracle worker.
Change is easy to make, but difficult to maintain.
I really can go a week without my cell phone and/or facebook!
Nothing makes me smile more than a babies laugh.
The atonement isn't just for sin it's a part of my every day life.
I LOVE sleeping in my own bed.
Taking down walls happens one brick at a time.
Being open and honest with myself is sometimes the hardest thing to do.
I hate writing with pencils instead of pens.
The harder the experience the more profound the lesson!

Well, there you have it. I'm sure I could have kept going but I figured 50 was a good number to end on. :0) It was a long hard week, but as you can see from my list it was worth it in the end.

Leap of Faith

2011-05-22T18:34:00.003-06:00

Have you ever done something that you were scared out of your mind to do, but you knew it was what needed to be done so you did it anyway?

Tomorrow I'm doing something that I am petrified about. I REALLY don't want to do it. Every time I think about what I'm going to do I start to cry and get this awful pit in my stomach because I am scared to death to take this step. However, I've spent a lot of time over the past few days talking to my mom, bishop, and a few close friends about the pro's and con's of the situation and getting their input. I then took everything that everyone told me and my own gut feelings and I went vertical. I got on my knees and poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father. I begged Him to help me know what the right decision was, and I really feel like this is it.

Today at church someone said that when you take a leap of faith it will all work out in the end. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and taking a huge leap of faith. I am going into this putting my heart completely in God's hands. I know that the ONLY way I am going to make it through this is by trusting in Him and the love that He has for me. I'm not sure how it is going to work out, but I have promised Him I will do my best and pray that He will support me through the rest.

I recently read a quote that said, "Courage can't see around corners, but it goes around them anyway." Mignon Mclaughlin I would replace the word courage with faith. I can't see around the bend and don't know what is going to happen over the course of the next week or so, but I am making that turn anyway because things that don't change stay the same and I am in need of some serious change in my life.

If you read this, please keep me in your prayers and when I can I'll let you know how it all turned out.

Luvs & Hugs

Sleep

2011-05-16T22:21:00.010-06:00

"Without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds. "~JoJo Jensen, Dirt Farmer Wisdom, 2002

Sleep is such a wondrous thing. Sleep and I used to be the very best of friends. We would get together every night and go on wonderful adventures together. When I was little we would go to the moon, as I grew up a bit we started hanging out with cute celebrities, and then we started traveling a lot. We have been to Jamaica, Italy, Paris, and Africa. My favorite trip was when we used to visit the ocean and play with the dolphins; we did that quite often.

A few weeks ago things started to change. Sleep and I had some disagreements. At first he wanted me to hang out longer than I could and would get kind of upset at me when I would actually wake up to the alarm clock instead of just hitting snooze. I felt bad and I tried going to sleep earlier hoping this would make up for it, but sleep wasn't very forgiving and ran away. Now I can't find sleep anywhere.

I have checked under my covers every night, sometimes I check the couch, I have even tried to sneak up on him and find him in the middle of the afternoon, but he's no where to be found. I thought he might be coming back to me earlier today as I was stopped at a very long red light, but before I could welcome him back the light turned green and he left again.

I just wish my dear friend could see how much I miss him. I am not has happy and energetic as I used to be. I don't have him around to keep me from being cranky and irritable. My eyes are red and have dark circles under them from staying awake searching for him all night. I sure do hope my friend forgives me and comes back soon; until then I'll keep searching, keep turning off lights and counting the sheep waiting for him to return.

Bugged

2011-05-15T17:09:00.004-06:00

Do you ever have days where you're just bugged? Today I am bugged. I'm bugged because of people and situations in my life. I'm bugged because of things that have happened recently and things that haven't. All in all I am bugged because of the actions of others. Why do I do this? Why do I get so down on myself because of the actions of other people?

I realize that there is something in all of us that wants to be loved and liked by others and when we get our feelings hurt we have a tendency to get down on ourselves. I for one am terrible at this. I get my feelings hurt and then I start telling myself that it must be because I'm a bad friend, a loser, not fun to be around, or too sickly to be around. I allow the action of someone else to send me into a downward spiral of negative thoughts about myself.

I don't want to do this anymore. I know this comes from the natural man part of me and I need to rely more on the spiritual part of me. I know that I am a daughter of God. I am a divine being. I have a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother that think the world of me. They love me more than my mortal mind will ever be able to understand. They love me with an unconditional love. It does not matter to them if I tell a stupid joke, have a bad hair day, pass out at church, or do any number of lame things.

The truth of the matter is that nothing anyone else says or does should make any difference in my life because the only person who really matters is Heavenly Father and I already know how He feels about me.

I hope that as I spend the rest of the day contemplating the vast amount of love He has for me this feeling of being bugged will leave me and I'll be at peace with my life and who I am.

Blessings in Disguise

2011-05-11T21:45:00.001-06:00

Life is hard. I have been going through some things lately that have really got me down. I go through a lot of things that I wish I didn't have to, as I'm sure we all do. Right now I'm in a depressed state that I just can't seem to pull myself out of. All I want to do is lay around in my pj's watching TV and eating junk food. I've been in this slump for a few days and will most likely not be out of it by tomorrow, but I am slowly coming out of it.

I have been challenged by my stake president to read the Book of Mormon with the specific goal to find all the references to the Savior. In doing this I've found a lot of things I'd never noticed in any of my readings before. I've noticed similarities between my personality and that of Nephi. I've read certain verses as if the Lord were speaking directly to me. I've been humbled as I do so and have begun to feel a peace come into my heart through this challenge. It's still very small and I know I still have a lot of reading, praying, pondering, and growing to do; however, I know I am on the right track.

I first heard this song a few months ago, but it has been on my mind a lot the last few days. What if blessings really do come through raindrops? Healing through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights really is what it takes to come to know the Savior is near us? I'm not sure how many sleepless nights I have had lately or just how many tears I've cried, but I do know that my Savior is here by my side. This knowledge grows with each difficult moment that He helps me through. I may not like my trials and I may wish I didn't have to go through them, but they are blessings in disguise bringing me closer to the Lord.

Trash = Treasure

2011-04-22T20:19:00.006-06:00

It's been said that 'one person's trash is another man's treasure'. I have a cabbage patch doll that I got when I was 6. It has scuff marks all over it's face and head. The outfit it has on has a small stain on the back and little fluff bunnies all over it. There is some kind of soda pop stain on it's left knee, and the entire skin of the baby is kind of dingy looking. Most people probably look at this doll and think I should trash it, however this doll is a priceless treasure to me.

Twenty-four years ago this week my little sister, Tara, was born. Tara has down syndrome and had some serious health challenges when she was first born. During that time she was held in the nicu of the hospital and being such a small child I was not allowed in there. This was a terrible thing for me, I had waited a long time for a little sister to play with and now she was here and no one would let me see her. I remember standing outside the door peering in the window as different family members would go in and see her. I even have pictures of me standing around crying because I wanted to see her so badly.

Eventually the day came that Tara was released from the hospital and I would finally get to meet her. I anxiously sat in a waiting area of the hospital while my parents went in to get my sister. When the big brown doors opened my mom came out holding my baby sister, she was followed by my dad and a nurse who also had something in her arms. My mom sat down next to me and introduced me to my sister. The nurse then approached me and handed me a brand new baby cabbage patch doll with a hospital band around it's wrist proclaiming me as it's mother. My mom and I both left the hospital that day cradling our newborns.

Over the next while every time my mom sat down to feed my sister I would be sitting right next to her feeding a bottle to my own baby. My baby doll got it's diaper changed, took a bath, and was rocked to sleep at the exact same time my baby sister did. You could say they were practically twins! I felt so close to my mom and my sister as we did all of these things together.

Well my sister outgrew the diapers and I outgrew playing with dolls, but we never outgrew each other. Tara and I are still the best of friends doing many things together. Whenever I look at my seemingly banged up little cabbage patch doll I recall those tender moments we had when she was just small and the love that bonded us together for a lifetime.

So Much To Say...

2011-04-05T14:04:00.003-06:00

I know it's been a while since I've really sat down and written something here...at least it feels like it has...but life has a way of getting busy and certain things are higher on my list of priorities. A lot has been happening and I could probably write a navel about what I've been thinking, doing, and learning lately. I'll spare you the details though and try to keep this short and sweet by simply giving some highlights.

First on my mind right now is General Conference. Wow, what a wonderful 2 days of messages from the leaders of the church. Elder Holland said that if you listen with the spirit you will find a personal epistle in at least of of the messages shared...I found several. As I look back over the notes I took I find so many little nuggets of inspiration for things I am struggling with right now. I find counsel that seems to magnify the counsel given to me by my bishop in recent discussions we've had. Most importantly I find answers to my prayers. I love the spirit conference brings into my life. It is truly a light in the midst of dark times. I will be spending the next six months pondering these messages and applying the principles taught into my life.

Another idea that has been on my mind a lot lately is making the best of difficult circumstances. I believe that we are truly as happy as we decide to be. However, sometimes things happen in our lives that make it really hard to feel happy. I have been striving to be happy no matter what is going on around me. It's not easy, but I know that the harder I try the stronger it is making me. I read the following quotation in a book I read recently and love the message of it. "We can spend our days bemoaning our losses, or we can grow from them. Ultimately the choice is ours. We can be victims of our circumstance or masters of our own fate, but make no mistake, we cannot be both." I choose to be a master of my own fate. I choose to decide what effects my happiness and what doesn't. It's a work in progress for me, but I like the way it's going.

Finally I will post the results of my March Madness book reading goal. I truly loved doing this and feel like it really helped me in combating the time-suck monster I wrote about a few weeks ago. During the month of March I read 8 books!

Before My Heart Stops by Paul Cardall

Tramp for the Lord by Corrie Ten Boom

Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis

The Golden Spiral by Lisa Mangum

Reaching Higher by Steven Cramer

Cold as Ice by Stephanie Black

I love reading and during the month I read some fun fictional books and some inspirational books that got me thinking. I hope to continue being able to read as much as I did this month. Reading opens up a part of me that is really hard to explain. Life just seems comfortable and right when I am engrossed in reading. I ordered two more books today that I'm excited to read and have several books at home that I have bought and never got around to reading. I'm looking forward to keeping this habit of reading going. Maybe I'll post a list of the books I've read at the end of each month...just as a bit of FYI for you who read this and a motivation for me to not slack off! Ha!

I Love My Brother

2011-03-27T21:59:00.003-06:00

For some reason I've been feeling a bit reminiscent tonight and have been watching some old movies of my family. I have watched the following clip over and over. I can't help but smile and laugh every time I watch it. I even catch myself cheering and clapping at the end. I love my brother. He has an amazing voice (that I wish I heard more often) and super awesome personality.

BTW, he's the one in the shorts.

Revising Life

2011-03-24T13:58:00.002-06:00

I've been taking an online writing class and really thinking about the whole writing process. First, I start with a bit of free writing to simply get my thoughts down on paper then I go back and sift through it to see what is worth keeping. From there I write, revise, and write some more, I tweak certain parts changing certain words to make the thoughts I'm trying to express come out right. By the time I print up the final draft I have revised the original several times.

Oh how I wish I could use this process with real life as well. I face situations every day where I say things I wish I hadn't or act without thinking it through. How wonderful it would be to go back and tweak a few of my words and/or actions. I would revise all the times I judged a person or situation without knowing the full story. I would tweak all the words that I blurt out without thinking how they may affect those around me. I would discard all the times I let my emotions control my actions and hurt friendships in the process.

While I write the story of my life each and every day I am writing with permanent ink. Things I have said and done can not be erased. The best I can do is learn from those unguarded moments and do better to write it right the first time.

The Time-Suck Monster

2011-03-10T22:41:00.003-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the way I use my time. Time is a precious gift and we only get one shot at it. Once time has past we can never get it back. There are days that I wish life was like tivo and I could rewind, fast-forward, and even pause it. However, for VERY good reasons I was not involved in the planning committee on how time would be governed in this life. Life is and always will be in constant play mode, our job is to make the most of every second and not need any of the other buttons.

I spent last week evaluating my time. I didn't change anything in my normal routines. I simply went about my days the way I typically do, only I carried a timer with me. Whenever I engaged in a particular activity I started the timer and when I was done I stopped it and recorded the amount of time that had gone by. After a week I looked over how I had spent my time during the week. I was pretty disappointed in myself when I saw the results. The majority of my time was spent mouse-clicking through the internet. Runner-up went to watching movies and T.V. Next on the list was sleeping...I like sleep! Then there was time with friends and family. Glancing over the numbers it didn't take a rocket science to figure out my life was out of balance.

I was pretty shocked to see how much time I actually spent doing certain things. The timer experiment really opened my eyes to how easily time can slip away from us if we are not careful. I know some days I would sit down at the computer and say that I was just going to take a second to update my facebook status and check my email and that would be it...hours later I was prying my fingers off the mouse and dragging myself away from the computer. Some nights I tell myself I'm just going to play a quick game of solitaire before bed and then find myself falling asleep on the keyboard. I decided that the internet has a hidden monster inside of it...kind of like the one in the dryer that is always eating up my socks...it is a time-suck monster! You sit down with good intentions to not spend much time, but before you even realize it the sun is setting behind you and your left wondering what happened to the day. I'm sure other things have time-suck monsters in them as well but for me personally the internet holds the most vicious one.

In order to try and fight off this ugly monster I have been working harder to create a balance in my schedule. I am still carrying around my timer but this time I am setting it for the amount of time I will allow myself to indulge in a certain activity like watching tv or playing around on the internet. Once the timer goes off I force myself to walk away from the status updates and do something different...something more productive. I still fall prey to the time-suck monster now and then (I think sometimes he reaches through the screen and resets my timer!) however, I feel as though I have done much better at being proactive this week. I shall continue on my quest to completely destroy the time-suck monster, but for now I feel slightly victorious. I think I may go celebrate my victory with a banana split. :0)

March Madness Update: I am currently reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis which is my 4th book so far this month!

P.S. Good news for the day...It was sunny and warm! Yay for Spring!

March Madness

2011-03-03T14:46:00.002-07:00

Spring is trying to creep it's way through the clouds of winter and with that comes many things. The birds are chirping more, the sun is shining more, and college basketball scores are all over the news. I know many people are gearing up to fill out their march madness brackets and pick a winner, but I have a different kind of march madness in mind. I heard of a friend that was doing this and decided to follow suit. I am setting a goal to spend less time on the computer and more time in books. I want to see how many books I can read in the month of March. I am not going to set a goal of a certain number because I don't want that to hold me back I am simply going to read, read, and read when the month is over we'll see how I did.

I'll try to post on here and keep you updated on how I'm doing and what books I'm reading. You can also track my progress on goodreads.com I update that with each book I finish.

I think I'm off to a good start considering it is only the 3rd of March and I just finished my first book. Before My Heart Stops by Paul Cardall was a great book about all that he went through while waiting for a heart transplant. I would recommend it as a great read that makes you want to go out and live life to the fullest.

As I contemplate what books I'm going to read over the course of the month it makes me stop and wonder what are some of your favorite books?? So, if you are reading this I challenge you to make a comment on this post and share what books you have really loved. If I haven't already read them, then I'll be sure to add them to my list. Thanks!

February Focus Project

2011-03-01T01:27:00.009-07:00

This month for my word project the assignment was to cultivate my awareness of my word in the world by looking through the lens of a camera. The idea was to open our eyes a bit more and help us to be more consistently aware of our word. We were supposed to take pictures that we can look back on, reflect on and say, "Okay, this is a representation of my word or this is why I chose this word.

I'm not going to spend much if any time explaining the why behind my photo's if I did my project right you should be able to kind of see for yourself the reasoning behind the picture and what goals it represents. So, here are some of the pictures that I have been working on...

Questions & Answers

2011-02-24T13:07:00.004-07:00

Last night I was home alone sitting on my bed reading my scriptures and pondering over my lesson for Sunday. I read a few scriptures that made me really think about things. I started contemplating how it all related to me and my life and started to have some real questions. I sat there staring at my scriptures and just started to ask these questions out loud. I wasn't necessarily praying it was more like I was simply thinking out loud. Each of my questions seemed to get more and more personal and to the core of things I'm struggling with and soon the tears started to form. Finally I closed my scriptures, said a real prayer, and went to bed.

Today I went and visited a seminary class taught by my bishop. I was a bit late and didn't talk to him at all before the class. He didn't know of my experience last night and had no idea what kind of thoughts and questions were floating through my head. While I had told him I was coming to visit his class he didn't do anything different, he was simply doing what he does everyday; teaching his class and answering their questions.

I watched him pick up a piece of paper and read a question one of his students had anonymously asked...the question seemed familiar. As Bishop Dixon went about answering this question I found he was also answering many of the questions I had pondered alone in my room last night. Some of these answers came directly from what he was saying and others came because as he spoke the spirit used his words to whisper other words to my heart.

I know that the questions I asked while seemingly all alone last night were heard by someone who cared enough to send the answers. While I still may have a few thoughts and questions lingering in my head I know that I am not alone in the things I am dealing with. I know things will find a way of working out. Most importantly I know that my Father in Heaven is listening and will help me to find all the answers I need just when I need them most.

Focus

2011-02-20T18:34:00.002-07:00

I find it interesting how certain pieces of our lives fit together and tend to take it as a sign the world is trying to teach me something.

Earlier this month I chose the word "Focus" to be the word I was going to use for different goals and projects I'm working on. When I did this I was thinking of the things in my life that I want to focus on, things I want to bring a deeper awareness to in my life. Well, as I was thinking about all of this something else was happening inside of me...

In December my eyes started kind of bugging me. They were always red and stinging. A few days after Christmas I decided I couldn't take it anymore and went to see a doctor. He took a small look at my eyes and said that I had an eye infection. He gave me some antibiotic eye drops and sent me home. I used the drops for a few days and thought I was feeling better and so I didn't really think much about it for a while. However, slowly my eyes started getting bad again. I would have days where they would both hurt, days only one would hurt, and days they'd both be just fine. I also started noticing that things were getting harder and harder to see. I had to adjust the screen resolution on my computer just so I could read it without having my nose touching the screen! I kept thinking it was just because I was wearing my glasses more than my contacts and that was the reason things were so blurry. Well last Saturday I woke up and my eyes were both dark red, they were hurting so bad and I realized it had been almost 2 months since this all first started, so I headed back to the instacare and saw a different doctor this time. As I was telling him my symptoms I could tell he was thinking it was going to be classic pink eye and I was feeling stupid for having come back to the doctor again. Then he actually took a look in my eye. His demeanor completely changed and he started acting concerned. He commented on how inflamed my eyes were and said he was worried this was much more than just an eye infection. He set me up to see an ophthalmologist. At the eye doctor we discovered that I do not have an eye infection at all, but I have chronic dry eye. A problem in my tear ducts that is causing my eyes to not get the lubrication they need. The dryness is causing tissue on my eye to die resulting in my blurred vision. He put me on 3 different kind of eye drops and told me to use them six times a day.

As I have tried to prepare my "focus" based projects with the blurred vision I have had a lot of time to contemplate the importance of focus and clarity in all aspects of our lives. In the beginning I was thinking mostly of outward things like focusing on my schoolwork and need for regular exercise. Now, I have been able to see the need for more than just a physical focus. A focus on inner things as well. I need to add clarity to my testimony, and focus more on my Savior. My blurred vision is teaching me that when one thing is out of focus all things get out of focus and can cause a domino effect on everything in our lives. There is a true need for balance in all things.

Trying to bring my eyes back into focus is not easy, nor is it fun. My eyes still hurt quite a bit. I still have days where the last thing I want to do is open my eyes, but I kind of have to in order to function. Putting drops in my eyes six times a day isn't all that convenient but it's what is necessary. I have a feeling that the things I need to do in order to bring clarity back into my life may not be fun, easy, or convenient either but they will be necessary. Gaining back my life's focus and maintaining it is my goal for this year. A goal I will be reminded of every time I put those drops in my eyes.

Good for the Soul

2011-02-09T18:40:00.002-07:00

My sister has been here for the past couple of days. I always enjoy having her over. We have decided that we're going to try and have her come sleepover at least once a month. When she is here I am able to kind of forget about life for a while. It's a great time for me to take a break from my to do list's and other little stresses of life. Instead I spend the majority of the time in my pj's playing games and my biggest worry is how late she is going to make me stay up! Tara is a HUGE night owl, the earliest we got to bed this week was about 3:00 am! We watched a few movies, ate some yummy treats, played lots of Uno, Sorry, Candyland, Life, Chutes and Ladders, ate yummy treats, went shopping, ate yummy treats, had a read-a-thon, ate yummy treats...It was a blast! Now that she is back home I am forced to get back to reality and actually clean the house, do some homework, pay the bills, etc. While I know that life can not be avoided forever, taking a little break once a month to play with my sister for a few days is definitely good for the soul! I feel like I could take on the world right now...after a long nap of course!

Learning vs Enduring

2011-02-03T22:17:00.002-07:00

I am reading a book called "The Continuous Atonement" by Brad Wilcox, I am really liking it! This morning I read a sentence in there that has had me thinking all day. He asks, "What motivates us to learn from those experiences rather than just endure them?"

Like many of you I have had my share of difficult challenges to go through, and this question is something that I don't think I have ever consciously asked myself before. Am I simply enduring my trials or am I truly learning from them? If I am learning, why am I learning?

For me the answer to this question has evolved over time. If someone had asked me this a few years ago I probably would have said I wanted to learn so that I could be done with this trial and get a new one...I was sick of this particular one! However, I have come to learn that God isn't like that. He doesn't give us our trials with a checklist attached; If you learn patience, humility, and the power of prayer, you will be qualified for challenge number 2! He doesn't have certain challenges for certain principles. He gives us the challenge and let's us decide what we learn, and sometimes He'll give us the same challenge over and over again just to see if we can come up with anything new.

I have had times where I have sat down in the midst of a particularly difficult time and almost screamed at the heavens, "What do you want me to learn from this, I don't understand!" I have learned that the lessons from these kind of experiences rarely come when we feel they should. Instead they come when our Heavenly Father knows we need them the most.

So, what motivates us to learn instead of just trudge along and endure? For me it is all about joy in the journey. Think about it...if you are practicing the piano because your mom is forcing you to or because you just have to get in that 30 minutes of practice every day then you are most likely not really having much fun with it. You're simply enduring through the 30 minutes. However, if you are practicing because you are excited about the musical piece or you're excited to be learning something new it makes the experience a lot more enjoyable. It still may be tedious having to play the same notes over and over in order to learn the lesson, but you'll be happier doing it than if you're only doing it because you have to. I believe this same principle applies to life. If we set about each day eager to learn something new or become better at something it makes life a lot more enjoyable then just trying to get through the day. We may still have tough days, in fact I guarantee we will, but even on the darkest of days we can find joy in the journey. This is what motivates me to look at life through an eye of learning rather than the perspective of simply enduring.

For Rachel...

2011-02-02T23:49:00.005-07:00

Ok, since Rachel asked for the answers to the blogging questions I decided to do it all in a quick post. So, here goes...

Day 18: Plans, Dreams, Goals

My dreams for the future include things like...finishing school, getting a job doing something I love, finding Mr. Right and starting a family.

Day 19: Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

I don't have a specific person in mind, but some of the qualities I look for in those I date are: sense of humor, cute smile, good listener, non-judgmental, and a strong testimony.

Day 20: What makes me happy: I'll do this one in pictures :0) These are the people and places that make me happy....Oh and the middle one is me being happy...LOL

Day 21: What makes me different from everyone else

haha this question reminds me of the saying, "I'm unique, just like everyone else." Um, I'm not sure I could really say what sets me apart from everyone else. I'm really not sure how to answer this one.

Day 22: Something I crave

It really depends on the mood I'm in but these are the things I tend to crave the most. Reese's Peanut Butter cups, choc. chip cookies (with milk of course), juice, and the molten chocolate cake from Chili's...YUM!

Day 23: A letter to my parents

mm...I think I'll skip this one.

Day 24: What I would find in your blog

In my blog you will find some of the random thoughts of my mind. Some are fun, others are sad, and other may be a bit inspirational. No matter what kind of mood they set, they are the thoughts that make me who I am.

Day 25: What I think of my friends

I absolutely love my friends. I have some of the best friends around. We may not see each other every day or hardly even see each other at all, but I know that they are there and they love me. I hope they all know the same thing is true with me.

Day 26: What I believe

It would take more than a few sentences to truly explain to you all that I believe and the depth at which I believe it. Suffice it to say that I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's true church on the Earth today. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that Thomas S. Monson is the living prophet today. I know that Christ lives. I know he came to Earth to live and die for me. He suffered all the pains and heartache I will feel in my life so that I don't have to suffer them alone. I know the Book of Mormon is the word of God. I love this church and am grateful for the blessings it provides me in my daily life.

Day 27: Favorite you tube video

See the Darth Vader commercial I recently posted!

Day 28: 10 thing I want to do before I die (In no particular order)

1. Swim with dolphins 2. Travel to a foreign country (Besides Mexico) 3. Tour the church history sites in New York 4. See a play on Broadway 5. Learn a new skill...like sewing or playing the piano 6. Be a mom 7. Attend as many temples as possible 8. Write a book 9. Be a princess for a day. 10. Walk along the beach hand in hand with the man I love (preferably at sunset)

Day 29: Post a picture from last year and this year and state how you have changed

I'm not sure my physical appearance has really changed all that much in the last year but I think I have changed quite a bit as a person. I have been working (and still am) on becoming a little bit closer to my true self each and every day. I have really opened myself up a lot more in the last year and am a lot happier because of it.

Day 30: In the past month what have you learned?

I have learned happiness is not something we gain after having accomplished a certain task or reaching a certain level of life. Happiness is a state of mind. Happiness lives within a person not without. Happiness can be a part of you whether you are "living the dream" or lying in bed dying of cancer. It is up to each of us individually to decide how happy we will be each day of our lives.

Pure Love

2011-02-02T23:44:00.002-07:00

I absolutely love this commercial! It just makes me smile. I want to be the kind of parent who can do fun things like this for my kids. I believe that one of the best things for a kid to have is a healthy, active, imagination. It builds self-esteem and self-confidence. One of the key roles of a parent is to stimulate that imagination and help it to live on.

30 Day Challenge Question

2011-01-31T15:17:00.003-07:00

Just curious if any of my readers would be annoyed if I totally stopped this whole 30 day blogging topic thingy...I'm kind of getting bored with it. LOL I feel like I want to share more of my thoughts on things rather than just tell you all about me.

Here are the rest of the 30 day topics, if there is one in particular any of you would like me to post about let me know and I'll do my best. If not not I think I'm going to go back to my regular way of blogging. Deal?

Day 18: Plans, Dreams, Goals

Day 19: Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Day 20: What makes me happy

Day 21: What makes me different from everyone else

Day 22: Something I crave

Day 23: A letter to my parents

Day 24: What I would find in your blog

Day 25: What I think of my friends

Day 26: What I believe

Day 27: Favorite you tube video

Day 28: 10 thing I want to do before I die

Day 29: Post a picture from last year and this year and state how you have changed

Day 30: In the past month what have you learned?

Day 17: Nicknames and Why

2011-01-30T22:51:00.002-07:00

I have a few different nicknames although most people just call me Tiff. Here are a few of the ones I've had over the years.

Elmo - People say I run like Elmo and just started calling me that

Tiffenstein - Because with all my surgeries most of me was made in a lab

Spazzy - Because I am kind of a spaz

and for obvious reasons...

Shorty!

Day 16: Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day.

2011-01-26T23:32:00.000-07:00

This is an easy one for me. If I could switch lives with someone for a day it would undoubtedly be my sister, Tara.

I love Tara to death! She is the best sister anyone could ever ask for. She is truly a light in my life and I don't know where I would be without her.

There are times I would just LOVE to get inside her head. I want to know how she truly sees the world around her. I want to know what she is really thinking sometimes. I want to see things the way she does with her innocent mind. I want to view life the way she does and maybe learn better how to channel it back into my life. I would love to see her soul and feel how close to heaven she truly is.

Tara is an extremely witty person. She doesn't necessarily do this on purpose she simply says the things that come to her mind. I would love to know how that thought process really works for her.

There are many times I am talking to her or trying to help teach her something new and I wonder what is going on in her head as I do so. Is she really understanding me? Is she understanding more than I give her credit for, or less? I wonder what kind of things she thinks when she's all alone. Tara loves talking to her imaginary friends. Sometimes as I have eavesdropped on these conversations I wonder what is really going on in her head at the time. Is she making it all up and deep down understands it's all make believe, or does she perhaps really see someone that she feels she is communicating with?

Tara is an extremely positive, outgoing, fun person with very few cares to bring her down. She doesn't take too much thought of what others think of her or how they may be judging her, good or bad. In my opinion she has perfected the art of being true to who she really is. I would love to be able to tap into that for even just a day...maybe I'd learn something that could help me be more like her.

Day 15: Another picture of yourself

2011-01-25T20:25:00.002-07:00

I decided to take this entry a bit differently and post some pictures of me when I was younger and much more adorable.

Day 14: Something that made you smile today

2011-01-21T18:28:00.004-07:00

My friend and I have both been kind of hating life lately. I have decided that life should be like tivo so that we can fast forward through the sucky parts. Earlier today I sent my friend a text to see what she was up to, her reply...hating life, and since I was hating life at the moment as well we devised a brilliant plan. We were going to graffiti Life! We planned out how we were going to egg it, toilet paper it, beat it up, etc...

Here is the result:

In the end it really made me smile!

Sometimes life just plain sucks and we have to find a way to laugh our way through it. Today this worked for me!

Day 13: 20 of my favorite things

2011-01-20T12:41:00.002-07:00

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things"

While none of this is going to come out sounding as good as a song here is a list of 20 of my favorite things: (in no particular order)

1. Pastime: Reading or Writing

2. Cartoon: Smurfs

3. Item: Snowglobes

4. Game: Farkle

5. Animal: Dolphin

6. Article of Clothing: Pj Pants

7. Movie: Man from Snowy River

8. Book: The Hiding Place

9. Food: Cheese Enchilada's

10. Candy: Reese's Fast Break

11. Color: Purple

12: Drink: Kern's Guava Juice

13. TV Show: 24

14. Flower: Daisy

15. Dessert: Brownie Sundae

16. Store: Deseret Book

17: Season: Fall

18: Place to go: Disneyland

19: Sport: tie between Soccer and Basketball

20: Holiday: I have my own special made up holiday...I'd tell you the details, but then I'd have to kill you. LOL

Day 12: How I found out about blogs and why I made one

2011-01-19T18:16:00.003-07:00

I honestly do not remember how I found out about blogs. I'm sure it was on some awesomely grand adventure or something equally fantastic because that's just how I roll. The reason why I made one is simple...I know that every person out there is just dying to meet me and get to know every intimate detail of my life. Unfortunately I am only one person and there are millions of people in this world, there is no way I would be able to physically meet every one of them as they wish. So, I decided to create a blog and share all the informations my adoring fans want to know. It has been such a life changing event I just know that I am touching millions of hearts with my kindness, tenderness, and charm (oh and did I mention sarcasm).

Day 11: Songs I listen to when I'm happy, sad, hyped, bored, and mad

2011-01-17T16:38:00.005-07:00

I absolutely LOVE music. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that on this site before...haha. So, this post may be one of two things...super long because I have a million songs for each category, or super short because I can't decide and just say something general. I guess I'll get started and we'll just see how it turns out.

When I feel ____ I listen to ____...

Happy: My favorite songs. I have a playlist on iTunes for my 5-starred songs. It consists of everything from pop music, country music, to mellow love songs. I also like to listen to songs that just simply sound happy. Happy music also has to be something I know the words to and can sing along. *Some of my favorite happy songs are: Strongest Suit from Aida, Witch Doctor by the Chipmunks, Popular and Defying Gravity from Wicked, Happy Girl by Martina Mcbride, Give a Little by Colors, Up All Night by Colors...Ok pretty much anything by Colors.

Sad: There are times when I am sad and feel the need to listen to something uplifting to pull me out of the sadness during those times I listen to songs that have inspirational lyrics. Songs that will remind me to get up and keep pushing on no matter how hard life is. Some of my faves in this category are: Dig a Little Deeper from the Princess and the Frog soundtrack, The End by Matt West, Hold On by B*Witched, Soar by Christina Aguilera, and of course the classic You Are Loved by Josh Groban. Then there are times when I'm sad and simply want to stay sad. I need to just have a good cry and let it all out. Some of my favorite songs to listen to at times like this are: Broken by Lindsey Haun, Few Days Down by Mandy Moore, Rain by Colors, Black Roses Red by Alana Grace, and Just Let Me Cry by Hilary Weeks.

Hyped: Ok, when I'm hyped I pretty much always want to listen to music that seems just as hyped as I am. Something fun I can dance around in my pj's to! Some that I love are: The Party's Just Begun by Cheetah Girls, 121 from the Goofy Movie soundtrack, I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas, Dynamite by Taio Cruz, Replay by Iyaz, and Bam by Miranda Cosgrove.

Bored: mm...this one is strange for me because to me boredom isn't really a mood it's more of a state of being. So, hope you don't mind but I'm going to change this one to mellow. When I'm in the mood to just sit back and relax and listen to something calm and easy on the ears some of my favorites are: Tamahana from the Johnny Lingo soundtrack, Feels Like Home from the Brother Bear soundtrack, Soledad by Colors, On My Mind by Kalai, Lonely Road by Erik Hickenlooper, and This is Home by Switchfoot.

Mad: Ok, this one is the hardest for me because I don't really get mad very often. Anger just isn't my thing. So, with no way to really explain it these are the songs I tend to listen to when I come the closest to being upset: Let it Die by Three Days Grace, Just Like You also by Three Days Grace, Lie to Me by 12 Stones, If Everyone Cared by Nickelback

*Please note that all songs listed as favorites are considered "at the moment" songs and are subject to change whenever I deem necessary.

Blogging Break

2011-01-14T21:33:00.002-07:00

Ok, I know this challenge I started was supposed to be a consecutive 30 days thing, but my sister has been here staying with me for a few days and hanging out with her takes precedence over blogging. I'll spend some time catching up this week, I promise.

Day 10: Picture of you and your family

2011-01-12T17:34:00.004-07:00

I love my family! We have such good times together. We are a bit kooky and it makes life fun! We have our share of up's and down's but no matter what we always have each other.

This is us at the Flaming Gorge Dam.

My cousin Savannah, Uncle Johnny, My mom Susan, Sister Tara, and Brother Tyson

I was taking the picture!

This past summer we all went to see Lion King at the Capitol Theater.

It was a great family night out!

Day 9: Something you were proud of in the last few days

2011-01-10T05:57:00.003-07:00

mm...this feels a bit like bragging, but I guess it will help you to get to know the little things about me...So, in no particular order here are things I was proud of recently.

1. I made it through an entire day of church meetings even though I was extremely sick and felt like dying the entire time.

2. I opened one of those "impossible to open unless your superman" kind of jars of applesauce all by myself.

3. I finally handed out the last of all my Christmas gifts. (Just have one Christmas card left to deliver)

4. I'm finally getting the hang of texting on my new touch screen phone without getting a complex of how fat my fingers are.

5. I've managed to make it 10 days into January without getting a ticket for not having my car registered yet.

6. I went for a nice long walk this week. Ok...this was mainly because I was trying to avoid driving and getting a ticket, but no matter the underlying motivation I still exercised!

7. I paid my tithing, despite the fact that I have barely enough money to pay my bills and have no money for food or gas this month.

8. I have blogged every day so far for this 30 day challenge!

Day 8: Short term goals for this month and why

2011-01-09T16:39:00.001-07:00

Short term goals are a funny thing to me. I try to set little goals and then life happens and ends up giving me new goals to work on. Having said that some of the goals I have been working on this month is to never miss a night reading in my scriptures. I believe there is great power in the scriptures, and it can only come into our lives if we take the time to open the book and study. I spoke earlier of my habit of procrastination. I seem to always start off each day with a goal to spend all this time studying the scriptures and words of the prophets only to find that as the day goes on I put other things first leaving very little time for scripture study. I have been trying to work on this.

Another goal I have had for myself this month is to not spend quite as much time on the computer. Time is one of the most valuable gifts we have been given and when the day comes that I am called to stand in front of my Maker and make an account of how I used my time I do not want to tell him about all the status updates I read on facebook or how many you tube videos I watched. I hope to be able to report things of much more substance than that.

Finally, one last goal I have had is to focus more on my writing. I have started a few different writing projects and am really enjoying them. Writing is something that brings such joy to my life and opens my mind and soul. I tend to feel closest to the spirit when I am actively writing and exploring the feelings of my heart.

Day 7: Picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on you

2011-01-08T17:24:00.005-07:00

I have been lucky enough to have several people in my life who are/were amazing influences on my life. It's simply too hard to just pick one.

Bro. Tim Carver is one of the best teachers I have ever had the opportunity to learn from. I got to know him by attending one of his classes at the Ogden Institute. He opened my eyes to the scriptures in a way that has forever changed me. He taught me how to dive deep and find meaning behind the words on each page. He helped me to feel and recognize how the spirit speaks to me personally. He taught me how to study the scriptures in a way that I could find the answers to my prayers. Over the years as I have sat through many hours of lessons he has taught I have always walked away with something new, and my testimony strengthened. Beyond the classroom he has been an incredible friend. He has always been a listening ear when I have needed someone to confide in. He has been a wonderful sounding board as I have discussed my struggles and life situations with him, and he has taught me many personal lessons about how the gospel relates to me and my life. When I sit back and look at my life I can see that Bro. Carver has definitely had a hand in helping me to be the person I am.

The Shaffers... there is no way I could write an entry about people who have impacted my life without mentioning this awesome family. Thayne Shaffer was called to be my bishop a little over three years ago. It amazes me how much has changed in those three years. The five people in this picture went from being complete strangers to some of my best friends. I truly consider them my second family. I spent many hours with Bishop Shaffer working through problems and life struggles. He taught me so many lessons about finding my own truth, getting validation from the right source, hard work and perseverance. I also spent quite a bit of time in their home. I learned a lot about what it's like to have a worthy priesthood holder in the home. I learned many lessons from Linda on how to raise children in love and with the gospel. I spent a lot of time watching her and learning what makes a good wife, mother, and friend. Linda has been a great example to me on doing what is right no matter what. I have watched her attend church, support, and care for her family all while struggling with illness. There have been many days where I'm sure she wanted to just call in sick and spend the day resting, but instead she got up and went about her duties as a wife, mother, and daughter of God. I look up to her more than she will ever know. I learned that every family has their struggles no matter how perfect they may seem on the outside, but that those problems can be resolved through love and faith. One thing these girls taught me is how to have fun. I loved the days I would go to their house and just sit and play games, jump on the tramp, or play "Mother, May I?" in the living room. They taught me that you are never too old to be silly, laugh, and enjoy life. Above all else these three girls have taught me about the Savior. Through their actions I have learned about unconditional love. I have felt of their love for me on many occasions over the years and love them deeply in return. I could go on for days telling of the ways this family has impacted my life. I thank my Heavenly Father every day for blessing me with the opportunity to get to know and learn from these wonderful individuals.

Day 6: Superhero and Why

2011-01-07T18:03:00.004-07:00

I've been pondering on this one for a little while. I'm not sure I have ever stopped to think about who my superhero is. What makes someone a superhero? The dictionary says a superhero is one who has superhuman abilities or magic powers, wears a distinctive costume, and fights against evil. Well, I don't know many people that run around in capes fighting bad guys in capes so I don't know how much this definition helps me narrow my search. I thought about Jack Bauer because Keifer Sutherland is hot and Jack always saves the day from the evil terrorists. Then I thought of my friend Karen cause she fights against the evil of boredom as she entertains me at the doctor office by pretending to be superman. Then it hit me, I have the perfect superhero!

Captain Moroni! Not only does he have an awesome costume and fights against evil but he was a man full of superhuman strength and ability, because he was a man of God.

Alma 48:11-13, 17

11 And Moroni was a ^astrong and a mighty man; he was a man of a perfect ^bunderstanding; yea, a man that did not delight in bloodshed; a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country, and his brethren from bondage and slavery;

12Yea, a man whose heart did swell with thanksgiving to his God, for the many privileges and blessings which he bestowed upon his people; a man who did labor exceedingly for the ^awelfare and safety of his people.

13Yea, and he was a man who was firm in the faith of Christ, and he had ^asworn with an oath to defend his people, his rights, and his country, and his religion, even to the loss of his blood.

17Yea, verily, verily I say unto you, if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto ^aMoroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the ^bdevil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men.

That is my definition of a superhero! I love to read the stories of Captain Moroni in the scriptures. They always fill me with amazement as I feel of the testimony, faith, and strength of this wonderful man. I can't wait until the day I get to meet him and thank him for the example he has been to me. I have learned a lot from his experiences and have tried to approach my own trials and battles the way he approached the battles of his day.

Day 5: A picture of somewhere I've been

2011-01-06T18:52:00.006-07:00

This one is a little bit hard for me because I am poor and so I don't really go anywhere! ha!

I was going to put up a picture of me on the mission (I served in Virginia) but I'd have to go scan one on to my computer and that would take more effort that I have energy for right now, so here's what you get. :0)

This is me at the Mississippi River! I was in Minnesota as a patient at the Mayo Clinic. Hence the really ugly blue purse that is really strapped to millions of wires on my chest...also the reason I can't put my arm in the sleeve of my jacket and why I have no contacts in. Wow, this pic looks horrible...focus on the pretty blue water people, pretty blue water!!

I love to go to Disneyland. This is my awesome family and I at breakfast at Goofy's Kitchen.

Yep, that's right I'm holding Delicate Arch!

And, last but not least this is my brother trying to throw me to my death at Flaming Gorge.

Ahh...Sibling Love! :0)

Day 4: A habit you wish you didn't have

2011-01-05T15:35:00.003-07:00

Mm...this one takes a bit of thinking.

I have a habit of procrastinating things. I mean if it's something super important or something I enjoy then I will do it right away. However, it's those little mediocre things that really get me. Those things that you should probably do today, but could wait until tomorrow without causing a big problem. The big problem arises when I put them off day after day and then they pile up or the time is up and it has to be done right that minute.

For example, this year I made some of my gifts for Christmas. I don't sew or anything crafty like that but I made some things on the computer that needed to either be printed or burned. I knew in my head what I wanted to do for these gifts and had a basic idea of how long it would take to do. However, I kept putting it off and busied myself with shopping for the gifts I needed to buy. The thing I forgot to take into account was that most of the gifts I was making were for people I would be seeing before Christmas. I needed these gifts done days before the holiday in order to give them to the intended recipient. Once I realized this the time was pretty short. I spent hours sitting in front of my computer putting things together and printing things off, etc. I finished a few barely on time. However, I still have a few gifts that I haven't given out and it's the 5th of January! They are all done now, I just haven't seen the people to give them the gift.

I wish I was better at working hard and getting everything done earlier and then resting or doing things that don't have a time restraint on them. Perhaps this will be another goal of mine for the new year.

Day 3: Pictures of me and my friends

2011-01-04T15:38:00.006-07:00

Wow, this was kind of a hard one. I don't have tons of pictures with my friends. I didn't want to leave anyone out either. So, I randomly just picked a few fun pictures of just a few friends. If your picture isn't here, know that I still love you, it just means we need to take more pictures. haha!

Yay, for adventures at Girls Camp!

This is me and some friends goofing off on during our trip to Moab.

Shina is one of my best friends ever.

Oh the joys of goofing around Walmart late at night!

Day 2: Meaning behind my blog name

2011-01-03T14:58:00.002-07:00

A few years ago I was really struggling with some things and one day I was talking to a good friend about it all. I told him about the frustrating feelings I was having as I worked to make changes in my life and he compared my current situation to that of a caterpillar and a butterfly. A caterpillar enters the cocoon a caterpillar but then wakes up and suddenly he's not a caterpillar anymore. He wonders what these things are on his back and what are they used for. Then he slowly flaps one of them, then the other, he decides to test them out and give them a try, before you know it he is flying around as a beautiful butterfly. I really loved this analogy. Life is all about making changes, trying new things, and growing from a caterpillar into a butterfly. I chose to name my blog after this analogy because it is a constant reminder that every day is a new day to learn how to fly.

Day 1: 15 things about me and a recent picture

2011-01-02T12:23:00.006-07:00

These are in no particular order, I just put them down as they came into my head.

1. I love to read. I have loved reading ever since I can remember. Being able to sit down and escape into a book is one of the most wonderful things to me. I would much rather sit on the couch reading a good book than sit and watch TV.

2. I collect snowglobes. I currently have 80 of them. Many of them have special meaning to me, and some I simply bought because they were cute. This all started when I was on my mission. My companion and I visited the home of a member who collected anything that had an owl on it. Since I was the greenie and it was my first time there I was taken on an "owl tour" it was pretty interesting. Afterward my companion and I got talking about what we would collect if we collected anything. She picked those glass paper weight things that always have cool designs and stuff, and I said snowglobes. I purchased my first snowglobe of the collection in the Virginia airport as I was leaving to fly home. Since then the collection has grown tremendously and I have globes from all over the world. I love them.

3. I love music. I am seriously a music addict. I could listen to it from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep. No matter what I'm feeling I can always find a song that fits my mood. I love being home alone and randomly breaking out into a dance as a good song comes on. I can sing at the top of my lungs and dance around in my pj's and no one can laugh or make fun of me. It makes me happy.

4. I am a wannabe writer. In high school I had an eccentric English teacher that taught me to love writing. She taught me how to unlock certain creative areas of my brain and put all my thoughts out onto paper. I'm not a great writer like J.K. Rowling or Charlotte Bronte but I do enjoy it. I especially love writing poems. I'm not sure why they intrigue me so much, but they do.

5. I have an obsession with pj pants. Whenever I am shopping my biggest weakness is pj pants. I love nothing more than a good pair of soft, warm, cuddly pants.

6. I love jumping in puddles after it rains!

7. I have a huge crush on Keifer Sutherland. I know people say he's old and all that...but I don't care. I think he is pretty darn sexy!

8. I like to scrapbook. A picture is truly worth a thousand words. I love looking through my scrapbook and reliving all the wonderful memories I made. I don't take tons of pictures because I'm always afraid people will think I'm weird for wanting pictures of them, but I am making a goal this year to carry a camera with me more often. I don't care what people think. I need pictures to scrapbook! haha

9.I live in a hobbit hole. Ok, it's just a basement house, but I feel like it is my own little hole in the ground and so I lovingly call it the hobbit hole!

10. I am slightly OCD. I like things to be symmetrical. If something is crooked or just slightly off center, it drives me crazy. It would be too hard to describe all the little things that set my OCD off. When something is out of line I can't seem to focus on anything until it is fixed.

11. I enjoy older classic movies. For example I pretty much love anything with Don Knotts or Jimmy Stewart in it. I also love the Andy Griffith show!

12. I hate to cook. I am a very simple girl when it comes to food. I don't like to take a lot of time fixing something to eat. I want something that is quick and easy.

13. I feel like I can get along with almost anyone. I am a pretty easy going person and I enjoy people. I hardly ever get mad and am very nonjudgmental. In my entire life I have only met a handful of people who I really clashed with. Everyone has some good in them!

14. I enjoy going out with friends and partying it up, but I also enjoy spending a day in my pj's and doing absolutely nothing. There has to be a balance too much of one or the other and I go crazy, but when there is balance it's a wonderful thing!

15. I am pretty random. Sometimes I do things without even thinking and catch myself and everyone around me by surprise. It's a fun way to live.

30 Day Challenge

2011-01-01T18:58:00.002-07:00

Alright I know it's been a while since I blogged, December is a busy month and the craziness just got away with me. I had a great Christmas though and hope all of you did as well. It is a great time to focus on the Savior and the meaning His life gives to our own.

Despite the craziness, one of my best friends did a 30 day challenge on her blog last month, with her permission I am stealing this idea and am going to do it here on my blog as well. It is a challenge that will help you get to know me better and hopefully I may even come to get to know myself a bit better as well. When I saw this on my friends blog I loved the idea because I think there are a lot of people in my daily life that really don't know me very well. For example, many people in my ward and family think I am quiet and extremely shy. While I have never been a fan of being in the spotlight I am not a quiet person either. I just don't always display the true me. Hopefully throughout the next 30 days those of you who actually read this blog will come to know the real me a little better.

Power of a Song

2010-12-10T16:05:00.003-07:00

I LOVE music! Whether I am feeling happy, sad, mellow, or hyper I can always find a song to fit my mood. There are songs that make me laugh, songs that bring back wonderful memories, and songs that bring the spirit into my life. I believe there is a great power in music. Music brings the spirit faster than anything I know. People often ask me what my favorite song is and I never have an answer because my favorite song changes on almost a daily basis. This time of year Christmas music brings a special feeling that really makes the holidays for me. Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without the sounds of Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Frosty the Snowman, Away in a Manger, and Silent Night. I am a firm believer that life was meant to have a soundtrack. I wish life really were like a musical and people would spontaneously burst out into song and dance while walking down the street. I do this a lot in my head, but only put it into action when I'm with a group of close friends who love me for my silliness.

So, if my life were a musical and had a soundtrack the song I believe that would be playing right now is called "I Look to You", it is a beautiful song. It reminds me that even when life seems dark and the rain seems to be pouring down there is hope in Christ. When we feel all alone and as though we have no one to turn to we can always look to God. His love for us beyond comprehension and He will always be there for us. I think Whitney Houston originally sang this song, but I have recently fell in love with the Glee version. I created a little video with the lyrics of the song so you can enjoy it as well.

Laughter

2010-12-07T22:42:00.002-07:00

"The most wasted day of all is that during which we have not laughed." - Sebastian R. N. Chamfort

I spent the day babysitting Savannah and Isaac. It started off as not a bad day and then not long after feeding Isaac he started to get really fussy. I had to constantly hold him or else he would break out into screaming cries, it wasn't long before even walking around holding him wasn't enough to calm him down. I could tell this little guy was sick! Every so often I could get him to calm down for just a minute or two, during one of those time I was playing with him and trying to keep him focused on a silly little toy as I did he actually smiled and laughed. It touched me that this little baby who was so sick still found enough enjoyment in a moment to laugh about it.

Finally the time came that I left Layton and headed home. I was hungry and after having had a seemingly long day I decided I didn't want to go home and cook, so I pulled into the McDonald's near my house for some dinner and a redbox movie. Just as I pulled in I realized I'd left my coat with my wallet in the pocket at my uncle's house. A-1! I pulled back out onto the road and headed for the freeway to drive back to Layton. I was so frustrated and kept complaining to myself about why I was such an idiot and how much gas I was wasting now. My uncle was kind enough to meet me in Clearfield so I didn't have to go all the way to Layton, but I still complained the whole way there. However, on the way back I got thinking about the moment of laughter with Isaac earlier and realized that this was a moment that I could choose to laugh about rather than complain. I started laughing about how goofy I was for losing my wallet twice in one week. I laughed at my uncle's comment that it must mean I didn't want it and how he'd be glad to take it off my hands for me. I simply laughed, and it felt good.

What did you laugh at today?

Change

2010-12-02T01:02:00.002-07:00

"Things that don't change stay the same."

The topic of change has been on my mind a lot lately. There are quite a few things going on in my life right now that are generating change. Some of it I'm excited about and some I don't want at all. So, I've been pondering the purpose of change and all of it's pro's and con's. I think some people can adapt to change really well and it doesn't bother them hardly at all. Others have such a hard time with change that it puts them into anxiety attacks when any little thing changes.

I used to work for a company where each employee had their certain desk and just like in elementary school the "seating chart" would get changed now and then. I for one was never bothered by the change. I would pack up my stuff and move over to my new desk and get back to work. However, others would throw a fit. Some people would gripe over not being able to sit next to their friends or being too close to the bosses office. One girl would cry almost every time just because it was something new and she didn't like it. Did our employer do this just to see who they could bug? No. There was always a purpose to the change of the seating arrangement. We as employees were not always told what these reasons were. We could only see the small picture and how it affected us on a short term basis. I believe this is the same thing with life. One of the big changes happening right now is that my bishop of the last 3 years is being released this coming Sunday. I for one am NOT happy about it, (not that I'm angry, just very sad). Bishop Shaffer and I have become extremely close over the last few years. He is like a second dad to me. I've known this was coming for a while and have tried hard to prepare myself for it, but it really doesn't make it any easier now that it's here. I don't like change that takes people I care about away from me. However, as I sit here crying I try to remember those days at work and remember that God is in charge here. He has a plan that I can't see. He has His reasons for making this change. Right now all I can see is the small picture and how it's affecting me, but I need to have faith that there is a bigger picture and Heavenly Father will make sure everything works out just fine.

There are changes that come into our life that may not have as specific a purpose as the example above. Change that happens all the time that may throw us off a bit, but is necessary for reasons of it's own. For example, the seasons change. Here in Utah we are currently changing from fall to winter. I'm not a big fan of this change either. I love fall and spring but strongly dislike winter. So, I'm kinda half and half on this type of change. I am starting two projects this week with the purpose of creating change in my life. One is a ten day challenge about recapturing beauty. It's purpose is to help me change the way I view myself. I think this is going to be a bitter sweet challenge. I've never had great self-esteem and so to do this challenge is a bit scary. It's causing me to open my mind to something I try to keep hidden. I don't like it so I sweep it under a rug and pretend it's not there. However, things that don't change stay the same and I obviously desire things to change in this area of my life or I wouldn't be doing the challenge.

Sometimes we are the ones who create changes in our lives. We change our hairstyle, rearrange the furniture, etc. I for one love rearranging the furniture it gives me a wonderful sense of change. It just makes everything feel fresh and new. The other project I'm starting this week is a 21 day journey designed to bring one closer to Christ. I'm excited about this challenge. I am in a place in my life where I need to feel a closeness to the Savior that isn't there. I'm hoping that through this challenge I can truly change some of my spiritual habits and use the time to develop a better relationship with Him.

So, what's my point...? Change can be hard or it can be fun, but either way change is usually good for us in the long run.

Happiness Is...

2010-11-30T14:53:00.003-07:00

Wow, I can't believe it is already the end of November. I have really enjoyed doing this challenge of blogging things I am thankful for. It's helped me open my eyes to the many blessings I have around me. There were several days during the month where I truly didn't think I had anything to be thankful for, but as I went about my day and pondered on it I found something. Someday's it was something simple other days it was something big that had happened. Over all I learned that if I look hard enough I can always find something to be grateful for.

Today I am simply grateful for all the little things. Every day is a blessing. I love the following Charlie Brown clip, this song is the epitome of what I am thankful for.

I couldn't have said it better if I'd written the song myself. I am so grateful for all the little things that make me happy!

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

2010-11-29T16:05:00.003-07:00

Thanksgiving is over which means that Christmas is just around the corner. I spent several hours putting up all my Christmas decorations yesterday and if I do say so myself the house looks wonderful! I love putting up the decorations each year. It is such a magical time for me. I don't rush it, I take my time and do it all very thoughtfully. As I "poof" out the branches on my Christmas tree I think of all the years we would gather as a family in the living room and we'd each take a section of the tree to "poof". It was almost a race to see who could get done with their section first. My tree is pre-lit which is a good thing, cuz I'm not very good at putting the lights on the tree, that was always mom's job...she did it best! I love pulling out my ornaments one by one and thinking of the memories they hold. Some are new and some I made when I was 5 or 6. Some were given to me by special friends I've lost touch with. My favorite 2 are of the nativity. I have one ornament of the nativity that is gold with a shimmery backdrop that looks awesome when the lights reflect off of it. I've had this ornament for as long as I can remember. It has always been my favorite. We used to hang it on the tree every year, then my mom started doing the tree in themes. I would always put the ornament up and she would take it down again saying it didn't fit in with the theme of the tree. However, no matter how many times we went through that routine I always snuck back and put it on the tree. It's just not Christmas without that ornament. Because of my fascination with snowglobes I have a lot of Christmas ones. Normally they just sit on a shelf in my office room, but at this time of year they are brought out and neatly placed all over the house, it's awesome! Just like my ornaments these snowglobes have a lot of meaning for me due to the stories behind each one. As I set up the different nativity sets I have I take time to ponder about the real reason for this season, the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. I feel close to the spirit as I delicately handle each piece of the nativity and contemplate what it would have been like to be there on that special night. Once all the decorations are in place I sit back and take a deep breath as I let the warmth of the season into my heart. It's such a special feeling. It's like a cure=all to any trial one may be facing.

I am so thankful for Christmas and special spirit it brings into my home and my life!

Thanksgiving Weekend.

2010-11-28T13:16:00.002-07:00

A lot happened this weekend that I was thankful for. It would be long and crazy for me to give you details of it all, so you get the highlight reel!

1. Playing Littlest Pet Shops with Savannah.

2. Watching Isaac's face light up when he sees me coming. He's got the cutest little smile ever!

3. Watching the movie Tangled. My new favorite Disney movie.

4. Sweet Potato Balls...nuff said

5. Tickling Savannah to sleep while listening to her talk about dreams.

6. Sleeping in on Black Friday

7. Spending the day at Treehouse Museum with Savannah and Tara.

8. Jazz beating the Lakers

9. Mom paying my way into a movie to try and cheer me up.

10. Curling up with a blanket while watching the snow fall outside.

The Art of Giving

2010-11-23T12:05:00.000-07:00

This time of year we see a lot of two things; people who willingly give and people who can only think of their wants.

I ran to the grocery store tonight to get a few essentials for hunkering down during the blizzard...cookies, cheese & crackers, and some cider. Standing in line to pay for my necessities I witnessed something that touched my heart and opened my eyes to the needs of those around me. There were two people ahead of me in line. At the front was a man with a butt-load of groceries obviously following the Thanksgiving shopping list his wife gave him. Between us was a woman in a military uniform. She had an average amount of groceries and was obviously also planning for her Thanksgiving feast. The store was packed and the cashier was trying to get people checked out as quickly as possible. As she scanned the last of the man's items he motioned for her to continue and said he wanted to put the military womens groceries on his bill as well. The groceries were scanned and the man paid for everything. Picking up her sacks and heading for the door she tried to thank him but his only response was, "No, thank you!"

I am grateful for those who have mastered the art of giving. Those who give without thinking and without expecting anything in return. This time of year truly is about giving. I tend to look at my life and all the things I don't have and forget that there are others out there who have a lot less than I do. There are people who go without and sacrifice so much so that I may have the basic necessities that I take for granted as well as the extra goodies that I think are necessities. We all have something that someone else needs. Let's take some time this holiday season to give.

Prayers

2010-11-22T17:16:00.003-07:00

I say my prayers, morning and night, every day. I pray over all of my meals. I pray for the missionaries and Pres. Monson. I pray for friends and family. I ask for special blessings on those who I know are struggling. I am thankful when these prayers are answered. I am grateful for the miracles that come when faithful saints of God are joined together in prayer. However, today I am grateful for answers to different kinds of prayers. Today I am thankful for the answers that come to those silly prayers I pray. The ones where I ask for help finding my keys or that my hair will do what I want it to do so I can get somewhere on time.

Yesterday something silly went wrong with my computer. Nothing big, nothing that I couldn't live without, but it was an inconvenience, I prayed that Heavenly Father would help it to work as I restarted my computer several times, downloaded updated software, etc.. still nothing worked. I finally just resigned it was something I was going to have to deal with and moved on. This morning I turned on my computer and a little bubble popped up on the screen telling me to turn some component on. I clicked on it, and in seconds it fixed everything. I was thrilled.

This was something so simple. I'm sure as I prayed about it last night Heavenly Father sat there thinking, "Really? You can't live without that? There are people in the world that don't even know what a computer is and your fretting about this little thing?" Despite how silly of a thing it was to pray for I am super grateful that Heavenly Father listened and answered my prayer. Knowing that He cares enough to answer my silly pleas for assistance helps me to know that He is there listening when I pray for the big things too.

I love Him!

Shepherds and Rescuers

2010-11-21T18:50:00.005-07:00

I love Sunday's! Today was our annual ward conference and it was absolutely wonderful!

In Sunday School we talked about shepherds. We discussed the people that we look up to and who have made a difference in shaping who we are. They are shepherds in our lives. They lead us by their wonderful examples and guide us to becoming a better person. They are non-judgmental and lead with love.

In sacrament meeting President Gerritsen talked about rescuers. People who reach out to help and lift others. They pray for those in need and immediately go out to help when prompted. They never give up and are persistent in their efforts to bless the lives of those around them.

I have been blessed to have some amazing shepherds and rescuers in my life. I wish I had time to list them all and tell each one of them how much they have made a difference in my life, here are just a few:

My Mom: My mom has put up with me for 29 years. During that time she has rescued me from more than one rough spot. She has been there through all of my health struggles. She is a strong woman and wonderful example to me. Her sense of humor has cheered me up on more than one bad day!

Jolyn Emerson: When I was a teenager I had my moments of misguided stupidity...what teenager doesn't...and during these years I was lucky enough to have Jolyn as one of my young women leaders. She was such an example to me. She saw potential in me that I didn't see in myself. She was always there to reach out with a loving hand and show me a better way.

Dave Dixon: My first high school seminary teacher. Bro. Dixon was the kind of teacher that taught me more by his actions than by his words. He truly lived the gospel, and quietly showed me how to as well. He started me on a path of discovering who I really was and the kind of person I wanted to be. I don't believe I would be the person I am today without the influence he had on me during that time of my life.

Marie Wilcox: I was a pretty shy and backwards person in high school. Yet, there was one teacher who truly saw something different in me. Mrs. Wilcox was my HOSA advisor. She took a shy girl and gave me a chance to be a leader. She gave me responsibility and taught me how to be a hard worker. Being an officer in HOSA taught me to have confidence in myself and the good things I was capable of doing. I learned how to step out of that shy bubble I was in and take charge when necessary. I'm not sure how she saw it, but somehow she knew there was a seed of leadership in me that simply needed to be watered.

Tim Carver: Bro. Carver was one of my teachers at the Institute. He is an excellent teacher and much of my gospel knowledge comes from things I learned in his classes. He taught me how to relate the gospel to my life and grow closer to my Heavenly Father as I lived those principles. I took many classes from him during my time up at the institute and somewhere along the line he became more than just another teacher, he became my friend. I started realizing that he was teaching me more outside of the classroom than in it. I was learning from his example and the way he lived his life. He has such a huge heart and was always there whenever I needed someone to talk to. He went above and beyond the call of duty to help me during some of the harder times of my life. It's been years since I sat in his classroom as a student, but Bro. Carver and I are still good friends. He always wants to know how I'm doing and puts my name in the temple if he learns I'm having a difficult time. He will always have a special place in my heart.

Bishop Shaffer: I know I already mentioned him in one of my recent posts, but he fits into both of these categories so well that I couldn't leave him out here. For the past three years Bishop Shaffer has been leading, guiding, and rescuing me as I've struggled down some dark and difficult pathways. He too has gone above and beyond the call of duty for me. He has taught me a lot about hard work and sincere love. With his help and guidance I have been able to overcome things I thought were impossible. I have been able to find help and healing. I've learned how to let down some of the walls I've built up since I was young and experience a new kind of life, a life I never knew was possible. He is the kind of person I can truly talk to about anything. He never gives up on me, even when I give up on myself.

I am deeply grateful for each of these people as well as the others I have failed to mention. I only hope and pray that I can pay it forward and be a shepherd and/or rescuer for someone else in need.

"If you don't spend your life caring for others, in the end, it will not matter what you cared about instead." -Bishop Shaffer

My Hobbit Hole

2010-11-20T19:06:00.005-07:00

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort. - J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

This could be changed to say, "In a hole in the ground there lived Tiffany." I love living in my little hobbit hole. My own little hole in the ground filled with all the things that bring me comfort.

Today has been a pretty bleak day. Dark clouds hid the sun all day and rain poured down from the skies turning to snow as the day progressed. With the weather outside being so yucky I have been extremely grateful for my home and the safety it provides me from the storm. I am so blessed to have a roof over my head, good food to eat, and a warm bed to sleep in at night.

Silly Moments

2010-11-19T16:41:00.002-07:00

Remember the Toys R' Us commercials with the catchy song, "I don't want to grow up I'm a Toys R' Us kid"? Well, I don't know about necessarily being a Toys R' Us kid, but I do feel like singing this today. I think growing up is overrated. I love the phrase that says, 'growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional." As we grow older I think it is important for us to hang on to a bit of that kid inside of us. I'm grateful for the moments in my life where I can just let go of the responsible adult I'm supposed to be and be as silly as a kid for a while. These are the moments that bring me joy. Some people may argue and say it's being immature and that I should act my age, but I believe there is a time and place for allowing the child in all of us to come out and play. I love my adult friends who have silly string fights at the Motel 6, I love going to midnight movies and cheering like high school kids when the show starts, I love making up actions to silly songs and then dancing them while sitting at red lights, I love molding a miniature Howarts out of mashed potatoes! Life is too mysterious to be taken serious. We need to have some fun in our lives. We need to take time to be silly and have a good laugh.

Giving Thanks on Difficult Days

2010-11-18T00:23:00.002-07:00

A few weeks ago I got a card in the mail from a good friend of mine. The front cover reads, "How to Give Thanks on Difficult Days" on the inside is a poem that really applies to how I feel today.

How to Give Thanks on Difficult Days

Sometimes we can't thank God

For all we're going through,

But we can thank Him for the place

He's leading us to.

We know Christ wants what's best for us

And throughout life we've found

Each difficulty that we faced

Led us to Higher Ground.

-Perry Tanksley

Although there are little things I am thankful for today, like going to dinner and a movie with my sister, it has been a pretty melancholy day for me. There are things going on in my life that are tough and I don't feel in the mood to give thanks. Reading this poem helps me remember that there is a HUGE thing to be thankful for today, and that is the place that these rough times are leading me to. They are leading me back to my Heavenly Father. It's ok to not be thankful for the things I'm struggling through, but I need to be thankful for the one who is leading me through them. He has led me through every difficult struggle of my past and He's not going to give up on me now. I don't need to get on my knees tonight and thank Him for the awful day I had, but I do need to get on my knees and thank Him for walking it with me. He is my strength, without Him I wouldn't be able to overcome anything no matter how hard I tried. I am so grateful that He's not only there, He's the one in charge. If I stay close to Him, failure is not an option.

I love my Heavenly Father!

I Can Read!

2010-11-16T22:07:00.002-07:00

Hooked on Phonics worked for me!

We make fun of the Hooked on Phonics commercials all the time, but I have to admit that I really am a true blue Hooked on Phonics graduate and must pay homage to my alma mater.

When I was very young I loved looking at picture books. My mom was intuitive enough to start me on the whole Hooked on Phonics program. I loved it! I had so much fun reading those stories and playing the games and listening to the tapes. I would practically beg my mom to let me do it. When I was in kindergarten I was reading on a second grade level. I could just pick up a book and read it with very little struggle if any. At the time I didn't understand why the other kids couldn't and why my teachers that it was so cool that I could. My love for reading never stopped. All throughout elementary school when they would do different skill tests my reading skills were always grades above where they should be for my age.

I was a HUGE book fair nerd...I know you're having a hard time picturing me as a nerd, but stretch the mind a bit and I'm sure you can see it...I loved getting all my books and going around meeting the different authors and having them sign my books. I only wish now that I had kept those books. I think my mom ended giving all of them to the DI. I think my parents hated book fair because I would literally drag them to every table; I couldn't possibly leave without meeting every author there. I also couldn't leave without at least one new book!

I am still a total bookworm. I have spent the majority of the day cuddled up to my copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I'm re-reading it in anticipation of the movie premiere this Thursday.

It makes me so happy to be able to read. In enlarges my brain and gets the creativity inside of me flowing. I love being able to just escape. When I read I become a part of the story I can literally do anything and be anything. Just like it says in this little clip from one of my fave tv shows growing up...

It is a wonderful blessing to be able to read!

FYI

2010-11-15T23:17:00.002-07:00

I interrupt this regularly scheduled blog to announce a few changes. If you notice over on the side I have added a few pages...these are just a place where I will put videos and things that I really like but don't write an entire post about. Simply for my enjoyment and hopefully yours as well. One is more for fun and the other is more for a bit of spiritual upliftment.

The second bit of info that I have for you is that I have started a blog just for my creative writing. I love to write and do it mostly just for my own enjoyment, but I have had a strong feeling lately that I needed to share some of the things I write. I cannot guarantee what kind of things will end up on that site. A lot of what I write is based on emotion and if I'm having a difficult day I vent it out through my writing, for this reason some of the things I write may be a bit depressing to some. I will try not to post if they are too depressing, but it is my blog and my writing...the way I express who I am. If I post something you don't want to read then simply skip over it...don't judge me for it. I have put up a few of the things I've written in the past to get it started. http://mysterioussnowglobe.blogspot.com/ Let me know what you think.

Relaxation

2010-11-15T18:17:00.002-07:00

"Ah! There is nothing like staying at home, for real comfort." -Jane Austen

Don't you just LOVE being comfortable? Ahh...it's one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. I absolutely love to get in my jammies, fix me a nice cup of cocoa or warm apple cider, light a fire in the fireplace, and spend the evening relaxing to a good move, tv show, or book. That is the perfect picture of comfort to me. It's best this time of year too, cuz cocoa and a fire in the middle of July just doesn't sound as cozy as in the middle of November! Some people probably think I'm a bit of a hermit crab because I love to spend my evenings this way, but to them I simply say.."If you want to see me just get your jammies on and come over!" Haha! Ok, you don't have to wear your jammies, just know I will be in mine!

I'm grateful for these wonderful relaxing nights at home!

Now I gotta go...the cocoa's done!

My Bishop

2010-11-14T18:28:00.003-07:00

We all have times where we need someone to talk to; someone who will listen to the joys and fears of our heart. The person I most often turn to in those moments is my Bishop. Meeting with my bishop gives me a chance to discuss challenges, disappointments, and accomplishments with the someone the Lord placed in my life with the specific direction to listen and to help. Over the last three years my bishop has gone from being a stranger over the phone to being one of my very best friends. He is someone I can truly talk to about anything. He is always there to listen and help where he can.

I've been struggling with something for a while now and last night I realized how much I needed to talk to Bishop about it. I sent him a text asking if he had any time to talk today. I know he is a busy man and did not expect him to say yes, but I sent the text anyway. At first he said he didn't have any open time to fit me into, but once I expressed the importance of what I needed to say he told me to meet him right before church and he'd probably have about twenty minutes in between his morning meetings and the start of church. I thanked him and planned to meet him at the scheduled time.

My alarm didn't go off at the time I planned and as quickly as I tried to get ready I ended up leaving my house at the exact time I told the bishop I would be at the church. I got there as quickly as I could, but feared he wouldn't be able to talk to me due to my tardiness. However, as I walked in he led me into his office and we started to talk. I'm not sure at what point he realized how truly important this conversation was to me, but somewhere along the line he made the decision that time didn't matter. We ended up talking for about an hour. We both missed our first meeting, and I know that is something that he doesn't like to do. The discussion we had was one that was very important to me and much needed. I had things I needed to say and I am so grateful that he took the time to sit and listen to me.

In speaking on the role of a bishop, Bishop H. David Burton once said, "He is there to help you, guide you, listen to you, keep your confidences, and to strengthen you in your relationship with Lord."

Today I am extremely thankful for a loving and inspired Bishop who helps, guides, and listens to me. He has truly been a strength to me and helped me grow in the gospel. He has taught me many principles that have had a huge impact on my life. I will forever hold a special place in my heart for him and the lessons he has taught me.

Selfless Service

2010-11-13T15:20:00.003-07:00

I know I already did a post about how thankful I am for my friends, this post is kind of about friends but for a different reason. Today I am grateful for friends who serve.

I'm grateful for the friends you can call at midnight to come and pick you up from the hospital and they come without question. I'm grateful for the friends who not only take time out of their Saturday to go pick up your car and bring it home safely, but also make a list of things you need at the store and pick them up for you while they're there. I'm grateful for the friends who live hundreds of miles away and yet when they find out I'm hurting they call and put my name in their local temple. I'm grateful for the friends who crawl out of bed at 2:00 in the morning to answer a phone call because I've had a bad night, then stay up for an hour and talk me through it. I'm grateful for the friends who take me to appointments, grocery shopping, church, and everywhere else I need to go when I can't drive.

I am grateful for friends who selflessly give of themselves to help someone else in need.

I hope and pray that I can be that kind of friend to anyone who needs me, to anyone who is struggling or simply in need of a friend. If I accomplish nothing else in my life as long as I am that kind of a friend I will feel good about myself. Thank you to those of you who have already achieved this and are my daily examples. May you all be blessed for your love and kindness!

Tears

2010-11-12T14:33:00.000-07:00

It sounds strange to think that I am thankful for tears, but I am. I think that tears serve a purpose. I don't like the situations that cause tears; unless it's an awesome spiritual moment or a tender chick flick. However, tears can be a very healing thing. Sometimes just having a good cry can make everything feel better. Some people scream or punch a pillow to vent out emotions, but I cry.

I have a friend named McKenzie, and one day at church she was having a very rough day. As she cried on my shoulder she looked up at me and asked, "Where do tears come from?" This question really made me think. Where do tears come from? My first thought was that they come from sadness built up inside us that spills out through our eyes. However, as I thought about it more I realized that isn't always true. Sometimes those tears come from happiness that is so overwhelming we can't contain it. In my opinion tears come from the heart, from the way we relate to a situation and the depth and which we feel something.

Crying is very cathartic. When I cry it helps me get over the hurt I am feeling inside. It helps me to forget about seriousness of the problem I am facing. Crying also helps me to relax. When I've had a stressful day that leads to tears the stress seems to ooze out through my tears. My entire body relaxes after crying and I'm usually ready for a good nap.

Now, don't get me wrong I would much prefer laughter to crying, but some days are just tearful days. I believe there are times in life when we all just need to curl up on the couch and have a good cry.

Memories

2010-11-11T23:34:00.002-07:00

I love scrapbooking and journaling. I have a few reasons that I do those things. One is that when I am having a bad day I tend to forget about the blessings I have around me and focus only on how hard things feel. When I hit this wall of negativity one of the things that gets me out is to turn to those books and take time out to ponder and reflect.

In going through my journals I can recall similar times where I've struggled and felt stuck in despair, yet I pulled through and rose above it all. This reminds me that no matter what I am going through I have the strength to get through it, because I've done it before. I do my journaling on my computer and add in photos and things that bring a smile to my face as I go through and read of happy times I've had or silly things I've done.

My scrapbook is a simple way for me to rebound out of the negativity. It only takes me a few minutes to fan through the pages and see the people, places, and things that brighten up my life. On particularly bad days I will go slowly and take time to stare at the pictures and mentally go back to the moments they were taken. I relieve those moments in my mind and can feel the darkness ooze out of me and those wonderful memories fill my soul.

I believe that journals and scrapbooks are important for our posterity, but I also believe they are important for us here and now. I love the following clip of a talk by Pres. Henry B. Eyring I hope you will too.

People Do Amazing Things

2010-11-10T23:33:00.001-07:00

Today has been an interesting day. I'm not gonna lie, the morning kinda sucked a lot. Luckily things changed a bit as the day went on. I've had a bit of a worry on my mind the last little while...maybe more than a bit and probably more than one, but you get the idea...I needed to pay my rent. I have the money in the bank that's not a problem. the problem lies in the fact that I feel like crud and don't have the strength to get over there to actually give them the check. Fearing I would soon be kicked to the curb if I didn't get that check to my landlords soon I called a friend and asked her if she wouldn't mind running it over for me. She agreed and came on over.

When I first reached out and asked her for some assistance I imagined she would be busy and would simply come over pick up the check, go drop it off and then go back to her regularly scheduled day. Instead, she came in and actually made herself right at home like I always tell her to, it made me smile! Then we got talking. As we talked about different struggles that were going on in her life the thought occurred to me that God works in mysterious ways. I called her up today because I needed help, yet as I sat there listening to her vent I realized that out of the two of she needed help more than I did. She needed a friend, a listening ear. She needed a safe place to vent and let out her emotion. My problems could have waited for another day, but she needed a friend now. I believe God knew this and that is why things occurred the way they did today. In the end we were able to help each other. She will probably hate me for writing all of this about her, but it was something that taught me a lesson today and I am very grateful for that. I love my friend and the amazing things she does.

When the time came that my friend went to pay my rent she came back with a smile on her face and a $50 bill in her hand. She said that my landlords had asked how I was feeling and she'd given them a quick update on my health situations. Then one of them told her to hang on and walked away for a minute, he returned with the cash in hand and said they hoped I got feeling better soon and wanted to give me $50 back on my rent this month. I was in shock as she handed me the money. I mean most people send get well cards when someone is sick not give them $50! I wanted to rush in and give them both hugs, but was too ill to do so. I've been trying to think of what to say to them in a thank you card, but words just don't seem to be enough. My funds are tight right now and it's the worst time of the year to have tight funds. I have a million things wrong with my car that require money to fix and have been stressing for a while how I'm going to gather up any spare cash to pay for everything plus do Christmas. True, $50 isn't going to solve everything, but it is a generous gift, one I had not expected, and one that will truly help in these moments of stress. I love my landlords. They are the sweetest most amazing people ever. I couldn't have asked for better living situation. I have the perfect little home, an amazingly cheap rent rate, and the most kind and caring landlords anyone could ask for. How did I get so blessed, and why?

During the time my friend and I were talking I sent a silly text teasing my Bishop about how he is always telling me he'll make me a malt...side note here, homemade malts by my Bishop are seriously my favorite treat on earth...when things in his life slow down a little. Now, for those of you who know the life of a bishop, especially a singles ward bishop, you may know that life doesn't ever really slow down for them. Particularly not when you have a fairly demanding job, a wife, and three young children to take care of. I'm smart enough to know that when he refers to life slowing down it is about as possible and pigs learning to fly. I won't repeat what I said in my silly little text, but suffice it to say that my friend and I found it to be fairly funny. In sending it I expected to receive some sort of joking text in return. Hours went by without a response from him, I was starting to wonder if he had missed the humor in it or if he was just being a typical bishop and didn't have time to respond. I kind of let it slip from my mind and went about doing my normal nightly activities...which means I sat on the couch vegging out on my newly purchased groceries while watching Glee...when there was a knock on the door. I opened the door to find Bishop standing there with a freshly made chocolate malt! I couldn't hold back the laughter as he handed it to me and told me to enjoy it. Even though I think we both know that I was teasing in my text I love that he actually went home and made me a malt. It completely made my day and was the perfect treat as I finished watching Glee. (mmm...it was SOO yummy!!) I love my Bishop and the awesome friendship that we have. I am so grateful for the little things he does to brighten my day and let me know how much he cares.

People do amazing things. Everyone of the people I have mentioned in the paragraphs above did something amazing that touched my life today. I believe that if we take a step back and look at our lives we will find that we all have people who do amazing things for us every single day. Sometimes if we look close enough we may find that we are even that person for ourselves. So go out and do something amazing today. Go make a difference in the life of someone you love. Remember that by small and simple things are GREAT things brought to pass!

Adversity

2010-11-09T16:04:00.002-07:00

I have been struggling all day to come up with something I am thankful for. I am in the "get worse before you get better" stage of my illness. It has not been a fun day to say the least. I feel miserable inside and out. I am going insane living in a totally dirty house, yet I have absolutely no energy to clean it. I try to avoid the kitchen at all costs because seeing all the dishes piling up in the sink makes me want to vomit. I hate having dirty dishes in the sink like that. I am also avoiding the kitchen because I haven't felt well enough to make it to the grocery store for a few weeks. I don't have many choices on things I can fix to eat and the things I do have to fix will only create more dirty dishes so I don't want to make them. It's a terrible cycle! I keep thinking that things will be better tomorrow and I'll be able to push through and get everything done, but that certain tomorrow is still yet to come and all these problems are just getting heavier and heavier with each passing day.

With all of this going on I'm just not in the mood to be thankful. I'm not thankful for the dirty dishes. I'm not thankful for the lack of food in my kitchen. I'm not thankful for the pain in my stomach. I'm not thankful for how sick I am right now. I'm not thankful for the dark clouds outside that are adding to my in a gloomy mood. So what is there to be thankful for today??

Adversity. Yep, even though on the surface I am not grateful for any of those things I am grateful for the lessons they are teaching me. I am thankful that when the day comes I do feel better I am going to appreciate it so much more. I'm going to be happy the day I feel well enough to do my own dishes. I'm going to be happy the day I can get in my car and drive to the grocery store, do my shopping, and make it home without wanting to die from the pain. I will be elated the day all these pains go away and I can do the things I want to do without having to take pain pills just to function. If I weren't sick today I would take advantage of the days that I'm healthy. I wouldn't get on my knees and thank Heavenly Father for the wonderful time I had grocery shopping or doing my dishes, because it would simply be a part of life and not something I had worked hard for.

I believe that God gives us adversity in order to help us appreciate the little things in life. It helps us to draw closer to Him and realize how important every little detail is. I don't like being sick. I don't like the suffering I have to endure on a daily basis, suffering that only God and I know about. However, I do appreciate the way it opens my eyes to things that most people don't see. I am grateful for that blessing.

Life

2010-11-08T16:30:00.005-07:00

Today I am simply grateful for life. Many of us take advantage of the wonderful blessing of life that we receive each day as we crawl out of bed and take in a deep breath. Life is fragile, it could all be gone at any moment. Are we living each moment to the fullest? Are we thankful for every single moment we have, good or bad? I love the quote that says, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it's about learning to dance in the rain." We all have rainy days. I feel like I've been living in monsoon season for the past 2 1/2 months! I believe the trick is to not let those rainy days pull us down too far. Yes, it's ok to go have a good cry, vent, scream, let it all out and then go find the biggest puddle you can and jump in it! Enjoy the thrill of the splash! Today I am grateful for life and all that it brings; the happy, the sad, and every moment in between.

Friends

2010-11-07T18:57:00.002-07:00

Friends are family you can choose. My friends truly are my second family.

I have always been one to struggle when it came to friendships. I've never been Ms. Popularity by any means. In high school I used to cry myself to sleep wishing I had friends and wondering what was wrong with me because I didn't. However, over the years I have learned a few things about friendships.

1. The number of friends you have is not nearly as important as the quality of friends you have. I still am not one who has loads of friends, sure according to Facebook I have hundreds of friends, but not the kind that really matter. The friends I do have are amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.I would rather have one really good friend than have hundreds of friends who don't really care.

2.True friends are those you are comfortable being yourself around. We all have a face we put on at times. We smile when we want to cry, we tell people we're fine when we're really not, etc. I have always been one to be sort of a chameleon. I didn't have enough self-esteem to just be me so I would be what I thought those around me wanted me to be. Who I was depended entirely on who I was around. However, this is not the way to find good friends. When you love yourself, are true to yourself, and don't change for anyone but yourself; that is when you find those true friends who love you for who you really are. These are the friendships that will last.

3.We are all unique for a reason. Each person on this Earth has their own set of strengths and weaknesses. I strongly believe this is so we can help each other. I really don't want to be friends with someone exactly like me. I need friends who are stronger in areas I'm in weaker so they can build me up when I'm struggling. I need friends who are weaker where I'm stronger so I can serve and uplift them. This is what truly bonds two people together. There is more to a friendship than just going to parties and playing games. It is when we truly care for one another that the friendship is sincere.

I have amazing friends. They truly are there for me when I need them the most. They help me to laugh, cry, and get through the up's and down's of life. I hope I can be there for them the way they are always there for me.

My Family

2010-11-06T15:48:00.001-06:00

I spent the night at my mom's house last night. Waking up this morning my mom and I gathered on my sisters bed and just talked. Pretty soon we were all laughing and giggling as we teased each other. Then we started arm wrestling and goofing around that way. It was one of those priceless moments that you don't plan, but that bless and enrich our lives. It's moments like this that make me smile on the inside.

My family is such a strength to me. We have been through some pretty rough times together and I believe it has made us stronger. We are closer now than we have ever been. My mom is one of my very best friends. She does so much for me that I could never repay her for no matter how hard I tried. My sister is also one of my very best friends. There has been a special bond between us since the day she was born. She can always brighten my day and make everything better. My brother is super awesome, even though he is eight years younger than me I look up to him in a lot of ways...and not just cause he's 3-feet taller than me! He is a good kid with a zest for life that is inspiring. He knows how to have fun and not let the tough times of life get you too far down.

I love my family with all my heart. They are my support and strength during the rough patches of life. I don't know what I'd ever do without them!

5 Gratitude Days

2010-11-05T22:42:00.002-06:00

Since today is November 5th and thus day 5 of my gratitude blogs I am going to list 5 things I am grateful for today.

1. Music. Music plays such a huge role in my life. I listen to music to get me motivated and moving in the mornings. I listen to music while I drive to make the drive more enjoyable...sometimes I sing very loudly along with this music...I listen to music when I'm happy, sad, and angry. I listen to music to calm me down and help me sleep at night. Music is literally my life. I can't imagine a world without it.

2. I'm thankful for a freaking amazing doctor! I went in to the doctor's office today and got my monthly injection. As I was walking out of the room my Dr. and I passed in the hallway. I didn't have an appointment today, but upon seeing me she stopped and asked me how I was doing. We stood in the hallway and talked for a few minutes about my treatment plan and how I have been doing. Most Dr.'s in this situation would hardly have acknowledged me let alone stop in the hall and talk with me for ten minutes. During this conversation she became aware of all that was going on with my medication and my insurance not covering it. She talked with her nursing staff about it and then searched her closet for samples. When she didn't have any she told me to follow her, and we went over to two other doctor offices in the GI clinic area and took samples from their closets until I had enough samples to last the two weeks I need to take the medicine! I was so happy. I can start the medication tonight, I no longer need to debate between paying $500 for the medicine or waiting another 2 weeks to see if my insurance might approve it. YAY! I love my doctor!

3. I'm super grateful for my awesome mom who let's me come over and use her washer and dryer. I haven't done laundry in a month and it was getting a bit ridiculous. Yay, for free laundry! I love my mom!

4. I'm grateful for my awesome brother that fixed my headlight for me tonight so I can now drive my car at night without having to worry about getting pulled over. Wahoo!

5. I got to spend some time tonight with one of the cutest little girls on the planet. I am so thankful for Savannah. I love that girl SO much. It was so great for me to be able to spend a little time playing with her and seeing the love she has for me. Even when life seems too hard to handle she can bring the best of smiles to my face and make it feel like I don't have a care in the world!

Comforts

2010-11-04T16:26:00.003-06:00

I've been in a lot of pain today and feeling really weak and lethargic. I tried to get ready for the ward activity tonight, but was just too sick to go. So, I got back into my comfy pj's and crawled back under my comfy blankets, snuggled up with my comfy pillow and put in a movie.

Sometimes you just have days where you want to be comfortable. Being comfortable physically helps me to feel comfortable emotionally. When I'm snuggled up on the couch watching a good movie or reading a good book the world around me doesn't seem to matter that much. I can escape my reality and join the reality of the movie or book. When I'm comfortable life just seems right. You don't have to worry or stress about anything. It's a time to just enjoy the moment, relax, and become one with the couch.

Another thing that makes me comfortable is a nice cup of hot cocoa or warm apple cider. When I combine the warm comforts of my pj's and blanket with a cup of cider I can literally feel myself slip away into a moment of pure bliss...sometimes that leads to me slipping into a nap as well...

I am so very grateful for the little comforts I have in my life. Little things that I tend to take for granted sometimes. I think about all those in the world who are suffering in the cold and sleeping in the streets and my heart breaks because they don't have these simple comforts that bring so much happiness to my life. I have been so blessed and am humbled by the million little comforts that I get to enjoy each day.

Chickens!

2010-11-03T23:14:00.001-06:00

This morning I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when a shadow passed by the window. I wondered what it was, but then figured it was probably the neighbors cat. I didn't think much of it until another one went by. I quickly finished with my teeth and walked into theother room to peek out out the window. I was floored to see a chicken in the window well! Just then I heard something on the roof, and realized it was the other one I had seen. I grabbed my camera and headed outside. Sure enough there was a chicken on the roof. Upon seeing me it quickly jumped down next to the one in the window well.

I tried to be sneaky and quiet as I took some pictures, but once they realized I was there they took of running around the yard, clucking very loudly. I think they were camera shy!! I was sad that I'd scared them, but was laughing so hard that I couldn't do much about it. Finally I came back inside to leave the poor little things alone.

I sent the pictures to my mom and told her I'd made some new friends, she responded by telling me she always knew I lived in a zoo! It is just one more piece of evidence that anything goes here in North Ogden. I have seen everything from peacocks crossing the street to unattended horses walking down the main 4-lane streets (and not for a parade!). I love living here!

So, today I am thankful for the chickens that bombarded my house and provided me with some happifiying entertainment this morning!

Blessings Galore

2010-11-02T20:04:00.000-06:00

When I was first thinking about what I was thankful for today I was going to say the beautiful fall leaves. Right now the colors are so beautiful. I haven't been able to get out of the house much since I've been so sick the past two months, and I was afraid I had missed the beauty of fall. I had an appointment at the hospital today and as I drove along the mountain road towards the hospital I was in awe at how wonderful everything looked. The sun was shining, the air was crisp, and the leaves were gorgeous. It made my drive into the hospital much more enjoyable and not so focused on the reason I was headed there.

Then this evening I received a call from my doctors office. The results of my last test were in. I was nervous that she was going to tell me the results were normal and I would need to come in for further testing, so when she told me that the results were positive I was momentarily in shock. My heart skipped a beat or two and I became very excited. The Dr. said the results showed I have a very bad bacterial overgrowth in my stomach and intestines. They are going to put me on some strong antibiotics for two weeks and then I'll need to take a pro-biotic for 30 days after that. I am SO happy that they have found the cause of my pain and sickness. It has been two longs months of misery and now there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am so thankful for a wonderful doctor who didn't give up. I am grateful to finally have some answers and a way to treat the problem. There is an end in sight, life will get better!

I feel I have been so very blessed today!

Following Counsel

2010-11-01T22:51:00.000-06:00

Today I am very grateful for the blessings that come from following counsel we are given by our Priesthood leaders. Last week at our stake conference one of the counselors in the stake presidency counseled us to make the church website our homepage. This is a very simple thing to do, when I came home from conference and changed my home page I really didn't think it would make that big of a difference. Yet, in the past week I have noticed a big difference. Opening up the internet every day and seeing that website helps me to focus on what's really important. It helps me to prioritize my time on the internet differently. I spend some time reading a quote or an article before I move on to checking my email and facebook. In doing this I have felt closer to the Savior and truly feel like I am putting Him first in my life.

I believe there is great power in doing the small and simple things. I also believe there is power in following the counsel of those who have been called to be our leaders; whether it is coming from the prophet or our home teachers. Our priesthood leaders are there for a reason. I am grateful for them and the inspiration they receive from Heavenly Father.

Gratitude

2010-11-01T21:24:00.002-06:00

Last month in General Conference President Thomas S. Monson gave a talk entitled The Divine Gift of Gratitude http://tinyurl.com/22v9ala. As November starts and Thanksgiving approaches I decided this is something I really needed to focus on for a while.

I have been going through a lot lately with my illness and it is really easy to sit around complaining and feeling sorry for myself because of all the things I can't do or am missing out on because of how sick I am. Pres. Monson said this, "When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given."

So, for the next 30 days I am going to plant a seed of faith and follow the counsel of the prophet. I am going to find something to be thankful for every day. It may be something small or something extremely significant. I am going to reach deep and look hard and then I am going to post what I am thankful for and why. My hope is that through this I will be able to rise about the gloom of my illness and realize the blessings that are all around me.

Halloween

2010-10-31T20:25:00.000-06:00

Halloween is an interesting holiday to me. When I was a young and the day was all about dressing up in cute little clown costumes while running around the neighborhood getting candy...then it was fun. However, once I got older and the "fun" of Halloween became haunted houses and spook alleys...I started hating the fact that this day came every year. I am not one that likes to get scared. I don't mind scary movies, in fact as long as I'm not watching them alone I enjoy a good spooker. It is another matter entirely when I am in the spooker. So, unlike the majority of people my age I do not pay money to go get the crud scared out of me for Halloween. I enjoy staying home and passing out treats to all the cute kids who are still young enough to enjoy the good part of Halloween.

This year my cute sister came over and spent Halloween with me. We got glow sticks and turned off all the lights while we watched some Goosbumps movies. They weren't scary for me, but Tara was pretty spooked. There was one about a giant snake that we had to turn off because it was too scary for her. It was fun having someone to celebrate with this year though.

There is one thing about Halloween that is a must for me every year. When I was a kid the thing I remember most was that we always passed out the same treat every year; pumpkin face taffy. My mom would take me out trick-or-treating and since no one was home to pass out treats we left a bucket of them on the front porch. I always loved when we would come home and still have some treats in the bucket on the porch, because that meant I got them. They have always been my favorite Halloween treat and even now it just doesn't seem like Halloween without them. You could take away everything about this holiday; the costumes, the trick-or-treaters, the spook alleys, the decorations, and as long as I still had my pumpkin face taffy it would feel like Halloween no matter what.

Bored?

2010-10-15T23:05:00.003-06:00

What do you do when you're bored?

I have been sick for almost two months now and am bored out of my mind. At first I was kind of excited for a break and an excuse to lie around and do nothing for a while. After a little while I felt like I had actually accomplished a lot during my streak of laziness. I watched hulu for hours and got all caught up on TV shows I've missed. Another big priority was staring at Facebook for days on end getting caught up on the drama in the lives of all my friends and family. While doing this I had the awesome idea that if I took all the Facebook status's posted over a week's time, changed names to protect the innocent, and inter-weaved a bit of my own creativity I could write my own soap opera! I spent about a day contemplating that and then decided my time on Facebook would better be spent building fish tanks. I chose to get my drama but catching up on the blogs of those I know...and those whose blogs I randomly stalk...here the stories are much more detailed and interesting than one liners on Facebook.

I have spent time off the computer as well. During my good moments I clean the house...I try to keep those as rare as possible. I have spent as much time possible engrossed in the alternate reality of a good book. Once in a while I have a friend come over and keep me a bit of company. Now, I know you are wondering how I could possibly be bored with all of this going on...but alas, I am. I have resigned myself to putting photos of my friends into silly e-cards and sending them to the aforementioned friends. I'm sure the only result from this is that no one is ever going to let me take their picture again!

So, I'm wondering what do you do when you're bored? Any ideas I have yet to try?

Books, Books, Books

2010-10-03T23:24:00.004-06:00

Reading is seriously one of my all time favorite pastimes. I have loved books since the day I learned to read…which was in about kindergarten. I used to read all kinds of Hooked on Phonics books when I was little. In elementary school library day was always my favorite day of the week. For some reason I loved the book, How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I used to read it every time we went in for library day. It got to a point where Mrs. Sims, the librarian, would have it sitting there ready for me when my class came to the library. Another one of my favorite times was when the book fair came to town. They would set up these huge files of books in the lobby area outside the school office and sell them for a week or so. I loved browsing through and coming home with a bunch of new books every time.

When you read you get a chance to escape reality and visit places only your imagination can take you. I love to read fictional stories for young readers. I recently finished the Fablehaven series, and I loved the Harry Potter books. Stories like that allow your imagination to open up and really take in the fact that anything is possible.

I love being able to come home at the end of a long day to find a good book waiting for me. There is nothing more relaxing than curling up on the couch with a blanket and a good book. This one may sound funny, but I also love to read while soaking in a tub of warm water…so relaxing!

Every time I read a book that I really love it makes me wish I could write the way these authors do. I would love to write a bestseller some day. Not because I want to be rich and famous, although I wouldn’t mind the rich part, but because I would love to be able to share a story that would touch a reader the way others stories have touched mine. Creative writing is another way of truly opening up the imagination and just letting everything flow. I love that feeling. Life can be so restricting especially the older you get and the more responsible you’re supposed to be. Letting your imagination freely flow takes down all those restrictive barriers and helps you feel like a kid again.

I also love how reading can teach you things. I enjoy reading books with a motivational message to them such as The Hiding Place, Tuesdays with Morrie, or The Peacegiver. They are books that entertain and inspire…the best combination on the planet.

The only bad thing about reading is that sometimes I simply can’t find the time to do it. I get so caught up in the day to day things and other forms of media and entertainment that I let the precious quiet time of reading slip away from me. I need to be better at this. I need to make time for reading instead of waiting for it to find me. There are millions of good books out there, but unless I make time to read one I’m never going to get time to read them all! This is why I am taking advantage of this time being sick and reading as much as I can. Every now and then the Lortab in my system makes the words start spiraling off the page and I have to take a break and watch TV or sleep, but I am getting in some good reading.

So...tell me what are some of your favorite books? What is on your nightstand right now? What book should I read next?

Not A Hundred Percent

2010-09-24T18:09:00.002-06:00

Man, the last few weeks have been pretty harsh. The word sick can't even begin to describe how I've been feeling. It all started about a month ago, I got these really sharp pains in my chest. At first I just ignored them and they kind of went away, but about a week later the throbbing pain came back. This time it was worse. I felt as though an elephant was sitting on my chest sticking a knife in and out of my heart.

I've had so many tests run on my heart in the past that I really didn't think that was the problem, but when you have sharp, stabbing, chest pain radiating throughout your chest cavity and down your arm you start to get suspicious. Instead of running to the ER in a panic only to receive the most likely response that my heart was fine, I decided to wait it out a bit.

I've always been one to have poor health and have missed out on much of life because I've been stuck home in bed. I have worked hard to change that the past few years, even when I'm not feeling well I do my best to push through and get out. I figure I'm going to be sick whether I'm home in bed or out and about, so I might as well go out and try to have some fun. It was with this frame of mind that I attended a ward overnighter the weekend of Sept 10-11. I was in a lot of pain and wasn't able to play all the games everyone else did, but it was good to be around friends and I did have a good time. However, about 5:00 in the morning I awoke with an intense, pulsating, pain in my chest. Everyone was still asleep so I silently laid there praying it would go away while tears streamed down my face. Shortly after other people got up and set about getting breakfast ready, I pulled Bishop Shaffer aside and told him I was not doing well and needed to get home. The problem was that I had driven up a car full of girls that would need a ride home. He helped me work it out so everyone had a ride and I could leave.

The first thing I did when I arrived home was take a Lortab for the pain. I laid down and tried to rest hoping the pill would kick in and relieve the pain. When it wasn't any better after an hour, I decided it was time to go to the doctor. I called a friend up and asked for a ride to the instacare. At the clinic they ran an EKG as well as a chest x-ray, and like I'd expected it all came back normal. The doctor gave me a few different prescriptions for pain, muscle spasm, and inflammation. He also gave me a shot that helped ease the pain for the moment.

That night I decided I needed a different kind of help. I called my friend Melinda and asked if her dad would give me a blessing. They gladly came over and helped me out with a few things around the house and he administered the blessing. I was really grateful for that. I know that no one can help me more than the Lord can. That blessing was something I really needed both for my physical health and for emotional support and strength.

Four days later I was still fighting the pain, but doing my best to deal with it. I was working with my uncle and shortly after eating lunch the pain intensified and I literally felt like I was going to die. The doctor at the clinic had told me that if it got worse I should go to the ER. I got on the phone and started texting my friends to see who would be available to give me a ride to the hospital.

As I finished out the day with my uncle he started telling me that my aunt and felt bad chest pain when she was pregnant with Savannah and they had told her it was caused by her gallbladder. Once she had it removed her pains stopped. I called my mom to tell her I was going to the ER after work and also told her what my uncle had said. She then informed me that gallbladder disease does run in our family. Apparently my father along with several of his relatives had to have theirs removed. It caused them all a significant amount of pain and although doctors couldn't find anything wrong with them through testing, once they went in to remove the gallbladder they found it extremely diseased and everyone felt better once they had it out. Good information to know!

At the ER I informed the doctor of my history, both my heart history and my recently discovered gallbladder family history. He ran a bunch of tests including blood work, EKG's, and more x-ray's. Once again he found nothing wrong...story of my life. He sent me home with another prescription and told me to follow up with my primary care doctor.

By this time I'm starting to get frustrated. The pain is increasingly getting worse and spreading. It now starts just under my ribcage on the right side, runs up my sternum, and over into the left of my chest cavity. However, I thought that maybe I just haven't given it enough time to heal on it's own...whatever it is. I waited a few more days before I called my doctor, but nothing changed. On Monday I saw my primary doctor. I rehearsed the story of my pain and everything the other doctors had said. Thankfully he took me a little more serious when I told him about the family history of gallbladder disease. He performed his own evaluation and decided he agreed that it could be the gallbladder causing the problems. He sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound to look for gallstones, and once again the test came back normal.

So here I am, I've been in agony for almost a month and no one knows what to do about it. The doctor is sending me in for another test on my gallbladder the beginning of next week. I am praying this test will show something and they can take care of it quickly. I am getting very run down by having been so ill for so long. I still do my best to get out and enjoy life, but it is getting harder and harder. My body is weak and all I feel like doing is lying down. I am getting pretty drained emotionally as well. The frustrations of being sick and no one knowing why can be quite depressing. I don't like not having the strength and energy I need to live life the way I would like to. I am doing my best to manage the pain with the medication they've given me, but the meds also make me a bit sick and I just don't feel like myself. It's difficult to say the least.

I'm sorry this post was so long, I tend to ramble when I'm on drugs. If you stuck it out and read this whole thing maybe you could do one more thing for me...say a prayer. I don't know how much longer I can carry the weight of this pain, I need all the help I can get.

Thank you and I love you!

Smile :0)

2010-09-19T15:40:00.003-06:00

What makes you grin? You know the kind of grin that literally goes from one ear to the other. The kind of smile that you can't control. It comes simply because at that moment you are so happy you can't hold it all in and the happiness shows up on your face. C'mon I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about...think about it for a minute...does remembering the moment make you grin again?

I just had a moment that apparently brought this kind of grin to my face. I was sitting with a bunch of my girl friends chatting when someone knocked on the door. Whitney jumped up to answer it for me. I wasn't expecting company so I had no idea who it could be. I listened as she answered the door curious as to who was here. When Haylie looked at me and whispered, "Shut Up!" it was at that point I realized who was at the door. I jumped up and ran to the door.

Now, rewind...Last Friday I had a date with a guy that I'm pretty interested in. We had a great time and I really hope we go out again sometime soon. He's such a great guy. He's incredibly sweet and kind. He is goofy and just makes me laugh. I was in the middle of telling all this to my friends when lo and behold that is who shows up at the door. On our date Friday we had bought some plums and never ate them, so he brought me two of them. We stood in the kitchen and talked for a minute before he left.

As I walked back in to where my friends were waiting they were instantly a buzz with giddiness. The first thing they pointed out was that I had a huge smile on my face. I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop smiling. The more my friends pointed it out the more I smiled.

These are the kind of moments I love in life. Smiling is such a wonderful thing. Studies have shown that smiling can relieve stress, boost your immune system, and even make you look younger. Smiling is contagious and easily spreads among friends. Not all smiles have to be the huge ear to ear grins I experienced today. I believe there is huge power even in a tiny smile. The simple act of smiling can change everything. It's really hard to be sad when you're smiling. Have you ever tried it?? I have. It's kind of like trying to keep a straight face while someone is mercilessly tickling you. I know things go wrong in life and you can just smile your way through everything, but I do believe that even the bumpy days can be a lot smoother if we try to see things from a happier perspective instead of a melancholy one.

So, go laugh and share a smile with someone. It will make you both happy!

I Have Internet!!

2010-09-16T16:45:00.002-06:00

Ok I know a lot of you probably think that I fell off the face of the Earth, but I really didn't. I just fell off the planet called internet. I have not been able to afford internet access at my house since I moved out. This is why my posts became very scarce. I could only update my blog when I was either at the library or my mother's house. This became very inconvenient. It got to the point that when I logged on I had so much stuff to update and check on that I didn't have enough time to do it all in. I had to prioritize and this blog just got lost in the shuffle.

This has all changed now. Today a very nice man from Qwest came and set up wireless internet at my house! I am so unbelievably excited about this. I can now get back to doing all the things I used to do and that includes keeping this blog up to date.

I love writing and hope to fill this blog with all my random words and thoughts. I hope you are all doing well and that you'll come back and read some more. I promise I won't leave you hanging for months like I have before.

Love You All!

Sunsets are Free!

2010-03-20T20:23:00.002-06:00

I was reading today in a book by Mary Ellen Edmunds called, You Can Never Get Enough of What You Don’t Need. I read something that really got me thinking. She used a quote from Elder F. Burton Howard where he said, “We sometimes discover too late that God’s greatest gifts cannot be purchased with money.” I loved that statement! MEE went on to say, “When was the last time you got a bill from the sun? The moon? The stars? The rain? I saw a poster once that had this message: ‘Good news! Sunsets are free!’”

This made me think about what gifts I have in my life that were not purchased by money…what are the great gifts God has given freely to me. Of course the ones that MEE mentioned, the sun, moon, stars, and beautiful sunsets. I think I would have to add the first snowfall of the winter season, when big fluffy snowflakes fall in silence and blanket the world in white. The ocean waves; I love to sit on the beach and listen to the waves crash against the shore…to me there are few things as peaceful as that. I love going to the park in the summer and sitting on the nice cool grass, under a shade tree, looking at the flowers and reading my scriptures. It helps me to feel the spirit of what I’m reading when I’m surrounded by the peaceful beauty of that scene. The mountains are a huge gift to me. I love living here in North Ogden at the base of the mountain. I love being able to walk outside each day and look up at Ben Lomond Peak in all its majesty whether bathed in sun or snowcapped; it is a beautiful sight. These are all things of nature, yet not all of God’s gifts are from the Earth. God has given me a kooky but great family. He has given me great friends. He’s given me the gospel. There are so many people in this world who do not have the fullness of the gospel in their lives. I am extremely blessed to be a member of this church and have the testimony that I have.

I am so grateful for all of these gifts, and a loving Heavenly Father who gives them so freely!

Boondoggle

2010-03-15T14:16:00.002-06:00

I was browsing through the dictionary today (I was looking up a word not just perusing the dictionary for fun) and came across the word boondoggle. It caught my attention because I was surprised that the word would be in a dictionary. Boondoggle is something I used to do when I was 12 or 13. You take different colored plastic strips and weave them together to create cute little key chains, zipper pulls, and things like that. I know it is still a popular hobby among young girls today because I know a 13-year-old and an 8-year-old who have proudly shown me some of their finished boondoggles. So, as I glanced at this word in the dictionary I got a good laugh at its definition...Boondoggle: a useless activity; a waste of time. Ha ha! It still makes me laugh. I'm sure if I were to call up my 13-year-old friend she would whole heartedly disagree with that definition. I know at her age I would have argued against it as well. To me boondoggling was a fun craft and not a waste of time. I actually still have a boondoggle I made when I was young. It is a pink and blue zipper pull. I'll admit I glance at it every now and then and wonder why in the world I still have it, but then I always tell myself that it's for posterities sake. One day when my kids ask me what I did for fun as a youngster I can pull out my zipper pull and show them. However, now that I know the official definition of a boondoggle I'm not so sure they will think me and my little zipper pull are all that cool. So, thank you Mr. Webster you have just dashed my reasonings for hanging onto a boondoggled zipper pull for the past 16 years!!

Wait and See

2010-03-13T13:04:00.002-07:00

Alright for the three of you that responded saying you actually read this blog, I'll try and update it every now and then. I can't be sure what I will write all the time. My life is either boring or full of too much negative drama, stuff I don't want to blog about. However, I just made me the cutest little journal jar to give me ideas to help liven up my personal journal. I filled it with hundreds journal and writing prompts so I may post some of those on here as well. We'll just have to wait and see..LOL

Anyone?

2010-03-11T14:25:00.000-07:00

I am just wondering if anyone reads this? I haven't posted for a while because I don't see the point in taking the time to post my thoughts if no one reads them...I can just keep them in my journal.

So, if by chance there is someone out there who reads this blog and wants me to keep writing here then post a comment so I know.

Otherwise...goodbye blogging world.

Catching Up

2009-12-28T11:19:00.003-07:00

Wow. I have a lot of catching up to do. I'm sorry it has been so long since I posted. Life somehow got very busy very fast. So much has happened that it would take me forever to post about it all. Here are a few highlights:

Thanksgiving was great fun! I found out my favorite auntie is pregnant again which was way exciting. This year was also my first year to do the all night shopping deal. We hit Fashion Place mall at 9:30pm, was at Park City by midnight, and at Walmart somewhere around 5am...we got home about 7am. It was a night of craziness and lots of laughs.

In the beginning of December two of my friends and I went on a trip to Moab. It was the first time I had ever been there. We had a blast! We spent some time in Arches National Park. Wow, what an amazing experience. I loved it! I also just loved hanging out with the girls we created some pretty great memories.

Finally there was Christmas. What a good Christmas this was. I was able to go home and spend some time with my family. Tara loved it and kept telling people I was her Christmas present. Thanks to my brother this year was the first year I have ever cried on Christmas morning. He gave me a tile with the phrase "First my Sister, Forever my Friend." Wow...that pulled at the heart strings! Tyson got an electric guitar for Christmas and that night we all sat around the Christmas tree as Ty played a few songs for us all. It was fun. My brother has such a talent for music and singing I could just sit and listen to him forever. It was a great way to end day.

Next up is New Years, I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do that night. Hopefully it will be one last party before I have to get back to hitting the books for school.

So, that is the update. Sorry for the readers digest version. I will try to be more diligent in updating things as they actually happen.

Hip Hip Hooray!!!

2009-11-17T16:30:00.003-07:00

About two months ago I noticed a strange feeling in my throat. I initially thought that I'd swallowed something wrong and it got stuck in my throat and that it would just go away. The problem came when it never went away...in fact it got worse. I finally made an appointment with an ENT to discover what the problem was.

During my appointment he found that I had a small growth on my vocal cords. He removed it and sent it away for a biopsy. Since it was on my vocal cords he told me not to talk for a few days in order for the cords themselves to have a chance to heal. I just have to say, not talking is very very exhausting. I have been writing down everything I needed to say. Communicating without a voice is quite difficult! However, I have pushed through the frustration and am now able to whisper..Yay! Tomorrow I actually get to try and talk out loud. I'm supposed to take it easy and go back to simply whispering if it hurts. So, far I am doing ok with the whispering so I am hoping talking aloud won't be too bad.

The biggest news of all is that I got a message from my doctor today that the biopsy on the growth and come back and the results were benign! I am so grateful for that!! I am here at the library doing my happy dance and cheering Hip Hip Hooray...in a whisper of course! LOL

Highlights from Last Night's Girl's Night

2009-11-07T17:53:00.002-07:00

I love Girl's Night. I love my friends. Last night we had a fun girls night where we all got together went to dinner and came back to my house for a movie. Here are some of the highlights of the night:

"Um, Sarah, I moved out a year and a half ago."

"Sometimes I think it would be really cool to be a ninja."

"Sign of the Ninja"

Lori: "Men are morons" Haylie: "What?"

"That guy just looked at us and judged us"

"We're 'bonding'"

Haha...I know that most of you won't get any of that, but It was a great night..very random..I LOVED it!

I am so blessed to have such great friends.

Out of Darkness Walk

2009-09-29T11:40:00.006-06:00

First of all, I want to thank all of you that supported me in this cause with your financial donations. I know that you will be greatly blessed for your kind sacrifices. I also am very grateful to those of you that supported me in other ways.

The walk was GREAT! It was a beautiful morning both because the weather was so nice and also because so many people came out to support a very important cause. After getting myself all checked in I wandered around the different tables and booths they had set up. They had several sponsors that were there donating items and services to help support the cause. There was a memory table where people put up pictures and stories of loved ones they had lost.

As I walked around and mingled with a few of the people it was interesting for me to learn how everyone had different reasons for being a part of the walk. Yes, we were all there to raise money and awareness for suicide prevention. However, most everyone had another reason...a personal reason...for being there. For some it was a way of coping with the recent loss of a loved one. Others were there to meet and unite with people who were also struggling with depression and other mental illnesses. Many were there as a way of honoring the memory of those they had lost and vowing they would never be forgotten. I too had a personal reason for being there. This walk was a way for me to outwardly express my inner commitment to never, never give up. No matter how hard life gets suicide is never the answer, there is always hope if you just keep going, keep pressing forward.

One of the booths next to the memory table was full of balloons. Each balloon represented a loss or reason for walking: White=Loss of a Child, Red=Loss of a Spouse, Yellow=Loss of a Parent, Orange=Loss of a Sibling, Purple=Loss of a Relative or Friend, Green=Struggled Personally, Blue=Supporting the Cause. Prior to starting the walk we had a moment of silence and then launched the balloons. It was very interesting and yet sad to see the many different colors of balloons that filled the sky. Suicide affects everyone.

The last few feet of the walk had people lining both sides of the road, cheering you on as you approached. Walking through this cheering section people were constantly giving me high-fives and hugs. They also had "red tape" for each person that crossed the finish line. I liked the idea a lot because the winner was not just the first person to cross the finish line...everyone there that day was a winner.

This walk was one of the best things I have ever done. I learned a lot about myself both in the preparation for the walk and by actually walking. It is an experience I will never forget. It is a cause I will never stop fighting for. I am grateful to be alive and well today. I'm grateful to have a loving Heavenly Father that has brought me safely out of my darkest days. I love life and know that it is always worth living. Every day is a gift and a blessing. There is always a silver lining to the dark clouds, we just have to raise our head out of the darkness and look for the light.

Time Out Details

2009-09-21T23:44:00.005-06:00

Ok, Since coming home from TOFW I've had some time to sit down with my notes and really process what I learned and what meant the most to me at this time in my life. I want to share just two of my most memorable moments with you.

Michael Mclean was one of the presenters and I learned something about him that I would never have supposed. He shared with us that he suffers from clinical depression. As he told his story and then sang songs about being on a mission to be happy, it really touched me. I have depression as well and being able to relate to much of what Michael was saying made his message that much more meaningful to me. Michael is a very famous musician in the LDS community. He is known for his inspiring music and spunky personality. I know from personal experience how hard it is to have depression and a spunky attitude like his. I sat there listening to his music and story thinking...if he can do then so can I! He sang a song called You Don't Know, it referred to the trials in our lives and served as a reminder that you don't know how long they will last, how long until "this too shall pass", whose love is going to intervene, how heavens going to turn it around, or what lessons there are that you can't see. I realized how important it is to keep these things in mind because they are the kind of things that can help bring hope during the challenging times. Speaking of hope, Michael sang another song that I truly felt was just for me. As he sang it I literally felt like he could read my mind and knew exactly how I felt on my bad days and gave me a lesson to look for hope until I find it and then let it pull me through. Here are the lyrics to that song: (I also put this song on the little IPod to the side if you want to listen along with the lyrics)

Hope Hiding

Whatever you do don't look down

That's all the advice they can give

But you keep looking down

'Cause you think that's where everything is

It's harder to see things can change

That night can be conquered with dawn

'Cause the darkness you feel is unbearably real and strong

It's just how it goes, No matter what you do

The way through the fog has been hidden from view

But around every corner

Though your unaware

Protected by grace in the face of despair

There is hope hiding there

You might think it's strange hope would hide

It seems like a cowardly deed

But it's saving it's power for your desperate hour of need

And all of that strength and good it can do

Awaits being found safe and sound just for you

'Cause around every corner

Though your unaware

Protected by grace in the face of despair

There is hope hiding there

Words cannot explain how much this song touched me. I literally felt as though the Savior was holding me in His arms as this song was sung.

The other thing I really want to share with you comes from Mary Ellen Edmunds. She told us about a place called Death Valley, CA. It is the lowest, hottest, and driest place in the United States. It is a deep bowl about 156 miles long and 292 feet below sea level. The depression works like a convection oven, recirculating hot air and making the valley one of the hottest places on earth, with ground-level temperatures that can reach 200 degrees in summer. It's also extremely dry, with less than 2 inches of rainfall a year. Then came the rains of 2005. Winter storms that brought mudslides to Southern California dropped 6 inches of rain on this thirsty desert and a miracle happened. Flower seeds that had been in hibernation for decades sprouted to life. A rare burst of color filled the area and Death Valley became a beautiful Garden of Eden. Seeds had waited for hundreds of years in hundred degree weather to bloom in beautiful colors. She told this story and then she asked...Have you ever gone through a trial that seemed to never end? Have you ever wondered if God knows who you are or if He has completely forgotten about you? You may be a seed, a seed waiting for a little bit of rain, but keep the faith, keep the hope. You are a child of God. He loves you and He will bring you the rain.

I am once again in tears as I recount these two beautiful moments for me. They are definite reminders that I am not alone in this world. Heavenly Father is watching over me and loves me more than I will ever understand.

Time Out For Women

2009-09-20T20:41:00.002-06:00

Wow, I learned so much from TOFW this year! I love the feeling in my heart when I return from one of these events. I love how strong the spirit is there, and how close I feel to my Heavenly Father. I think every single speaker said at least one thing that was meant just for me, if not many more than that. I also know that the singers were truly inspired and I am so grateful for that. One song in particular was a HUGE blessing for me in my life right now. Only my Heavenly Father would have known how much I needed to hear it.

I sit here wanting to share all of what I learned and how it affected me. Yet, I am kind of at a loss. There is so much I could say that I don't know where to start. There is so much I want to share that strengthened my testimony, but it feels almost too sacred and personal to share with everyone. I took pages and pages of notes, and I wish I could sit here and type it all out to share it with those of you who may be reading this. I think it may take me days to really process all I have learned and then apply it to my life.

All I can really say about this weekend is that I know that God lives. I know He loves His children. I know I am His daughter and that every person on this earth is my brother or sister. I know that life isn't always easy, but that the light of the gospel can conquer any darkness we may feel. I know that if we trust in Heavenly Father he will prepare and lead us to a life of happiness and purpose. I know that our prayers may not always be answered in the ways we want, but that doesn't diminish the love God has for us. I know that when we feel as though we don't know where to turn we can turn to Him and He will be there waiting with open arms to take time just for us.

I know this CHURCH IS TRUE!!

Attitude

2009-09-15T17:04:00.007-06:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about attitudes. What is a good attitude? What is a bad attitude? What role does your attitude play in your daily life? How do you change your attitude?

I did a little research and found many dictionaries defined an attitude as an opinion or general feel about something. Another common definition was; a manner of acting, feeling, or thinking that shows one's disposition, opinion, etc. I like how the second definition point out that an attitude is a manner of action, that places the responsibility regarding the type of attitude we have on ourselves.No one can grumpily sit around and say, "He made me be in a bad mood because he ate all the dessert without sharing!" No one can force your mood upon you, only you can determine what type of mood you will be in.

As part of my research I went to askjeeves.com and asked, "What is a good attitude?" There were several sites that came up. Some had definitions, some had quotes, and one even had an attitude quiz you could take. I won't tell you what my score was. :0) As I browsed over these sites I found lots of good advice and awesome little one-liner type quotes. One in particular that I loved said, "A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, actions, and outcomes." This quote reminded me of a scripture in the Book of Mormon...Mosiah 4:30 "But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe to keep the commandments of God and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember and perish not." Our attitude towards life is important because our thoughts lead to our words, which lead to our deeds. Positive deeds lead to positive outcomes! Studies have shown that people with a positive attitude have greater success in the workplace, in friendships, in relationships, and in life over all..they are even said to live longer.

When you have a positive attitude everything in life seems to go a little better. It truly does cause a chain reaction and it goes both ways..if you have a bad attitude about one thing you'll find that nothing seems to go well. It's really all a matter of your perspective. A speaker I love, Mary Ellen Edmunds, was once giving a talk on optimism and said that two men approached the giant Goliath. The first one said, "Man he's so big I'll never be able to beat him!" The second man said, "He's so big, I'll never miss!" I love that! Perspective is key!

My favorite thing about the sites that came up with my question to askjeeves.com what that the third site on the list was to mormon.org with the title "Faith in God". It is a three word answer to the question, but the best answer of all. I recently was reading in a book called LYFSGUD: If God Sent You a Text Message and in it the author, Laurel Christensen, says; "Life really is good. And it's not good because I've been blessed with a perfect family or perfect friends. And it's not good because every Sunday is perfect at Church or everything goes right with work or school...or BOYS. But it's good - really, really good - because of this simple truth: I, Laurel Christensen, am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me...and I LOVE HIM!" Faith in God truly is the best way to be happy and have a positive attitude about life. God is the one who gave us life. I do not believe that He sent us down here to be miserable grumps on a log. He wants us to be happy, to enjoy life, to count our blessings and realize all the good around us. I firmly believe this with all my heart!

Through all of these sites I came to my own conclusion of what I think a good attitude is, to me it's a way of thinking positively that says: I can control my life and achieve my goals. I am responsible for my choices. My past does not matter because I can change my future. I cannot control what happens to me in my day to day life, but I can control my attitude toward whatever happens and in doing that I can master the trials rather than allowing them to master me. Where ever I go, no matter what the weather I can bring my own sunshine because I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father and He truly does love me!

My Crazy Dream

2009-09-10T12:53:00.006-06:00

Ok, I know I take medications at night that make me pretty loopy and out of it. I know I dream when I’m on these meds, but I usually don’t recall my dreams in the morning. Today was a bit of a different story. I remembered my dream and I am very curious to see if anyone can tell me what it means.

In my dream I was sitting in a large field of grass. I’m not quite sure what I was doing there other than sitting and playing with the grass. I started to hear a low rumbling noise. I looked around and off in the distance I could see something large was approaching me, but I couldn’t tell what it was. As it got closer I realized it looked like an army. They were marching in straight lines about ten across and at least fifty back. I was so in awe as to what they were doing that I

continued to just sit there. As they got closer my astonishment grew because I realized this was not an army of people…they were giant teddy bears! They carried swords and wore dark brown sashes across their chests. Once again I was too overcome with awe and wonder to move out of their way. They kept coming closer and stopped when they were about five feet away. They stood for quite a while just glaring at me. I finally started to feel very uncomfortable and cautiously stood to leave. As I got to my feet and turned to run away I was shocked to find that standing behind me was another army of teddy bears; they had about the same number of bears each carrying a sword similar to Brown Bear’s army only this army of teddy bears wore bright blue sashes. For some reason, looking at this army gave me the feeling that they were there to protect me. Without saying a word I walked to the sidelines of the field where I found a bench, almost immediately after I sat down the two bear armies began to fight. The fight itself is a blur in my dream; it went by very quickly and I don’t recall any details of what happened. The next thing I really remember is looking out over the field that was once a luscious green and was now covered in white fluff, almost resembling a field after a winter a storm. Three of the bears wearing the blue sashes approached me, the one in the middle looked at me and said, “You will be alright now.” Then I woke up.

Is that weird or what?!? Anyone want to try and explain that one? LOL!

A Week of Contrrasts

2009-09-06T22:02:00.006-06:00

Last week after getting jumped I spent a few days feeling more alone than I have felt in a long time. It was a time I was in need of a shoulder to cry on and I didn't have anyone I could turn to. I moped around in kind of a depressed state for a few days wallowing in how alone I felt. Then one night I was feeling particularly alone...sitting on the bed almost in tears I reached for my scriptures. I'm reading the Book of Mormon right now, but this night I decided to open up the Bible. I turned to the chapter in Matthew where the Savior is in Gethsemane. As I read and pondered on the Atonement I found myself contemplating my personal testimony of the Atonement. I realized that I understand the Atonement I know what happened in Gethsemane and on the cross. I know about the Ressurection. I know that Christ suffered for my sins and because of that I can repent and be clean again. I know that He suffered more than just sins and knows what I'm going through on my bad days. He knows what it's like to be sick or afraid. The thing that hit me differently as I sat there reading and contemplating was that I knew all of this...but...I didn't live it. I didn't rely on it. I spend a lot of my time trying to fix things myself. I look around for someone to help me feel better. I text my friends looking for someone to talk to about my struggles..someone who will listen with a loving heart. I wish certain people were flies on the walls of my life so they truly knew what I was going through at times. I waste time and energy doing all of this when the Savior is standing at the door just waiting for me to let Him in so He can take care of all these things. He can be the one to lovingly listen. He can see all I'm going through and understand how I feel. He can heal my pains and broken hearts. I rely on myself and those around me for these things and forget to rely on the Lord.

After spending some time coming to this conclusion I got on my knees and I said one of the most heartfelt prayers I think I've said in quite a while. I told Him of my problems, my fears, and my need for friendship. I apologized for rejecting His presence in my life and trying to replace Him with others around me. I promised to work harder and do better at letting Him into my life. It has not been an easy thing...just becasue I've realized this doesn't mean that I easily open the door without even a second thought. Yet, I have found that as I have conciously put forth an effort to invite Him in, the sun has started peeking through the clouds in my life one little ray at a time. I had a friend text me and ask if there was anything she could do to help me. I went to reply with my usual "no", but instead said "yes, I could use a fun night with friends to get my mind off things". The next thing I know she has set up a party for Friday night. I went and had a great time. Afterward this friend texted me to make sure I had a good night. It made me feel so good inside, because I realized the power of friends and how much people really do care.

Saturday I had tickets to a concert, but couldn't find anyone who wanted to go with me. I'd asked my mom to come and she had agreed...but I could tell she was only agreeing because she knew I wanted to go; she had no desire to attend. I told her it was ok, that we didn't have to go. Then for some reason Saturday afternoon things changed and she wanted to go. We were lucky enough to find an extra ticket and we brought Tara with us. We had a great time at the concert and were able to live carefree for a few hours. It was so much fun and a huge blessing. It made me grateful for my family and reminded me of how much I love them.

These are just two simple little changes I have seen in my life since I got on my knees that night. There are many others. I started off the week feeling scared and alone. I have spent the last few days surrounded by family and friends. I feel safer and more confident than I did before. I know that all of this is a result of relying more on my Savior. I am so grateful for the scriptures and the power of prayer. I know that my prayers are heard and answered. I know that as we let the Lord into our lives blessings flow. I am so grateful for my testimony and for the love of a Father in Heaven and His son, Jesus Christ.

Just for fun, here are a few photos of Tara and I at the concert.

Submitting Cheerfully

2009-09-03T11:24:00.004-06:00

I have been wanting to write a lot this week, but everytime I have sat down to type a post I realized pretty much everything I had to say was negative and I didn't want my post to be that way. I'm hoping today I can write about my experiences, but in a more positive way.

Last Thursday night I was coming home from a wonderful ward activity as I stood at my door getting my keys out and ready to open the door someone jumped out from the back of the house and grabbed me. The two thugs told me the message they had been sent to convey and then for emphasis they threw me to the ground and roughed me up a bit. It was quite a scary experience.

My mind has been so muddled lately that it has been very hard to focus on things like school and my various other responsibilities. I've spent a lot of time just kind of hiding away both physically and mentally. I feel kind of like a butterfly that went back in the cocoon for a while. However, I am now working hard at getting back out of the cocoon and getting back in to the swing of my normal life. It's not easy and I really wish I could just go home and go to bed right now, but I am at school trying to hang on and combat those lazy feelings.

I read a quote by President Hinckley last night that I really loved. He said, "All of us have problems. We face them every day. How grateful I am that we have difficult things to wrestle with. They keep us young, if that is possible. They keep us alive. They keep us going. They keep us humble. They pull us down to our knees to ask the God of Heaven for help in solving them. Be grateful for your problems, and know that somehow there will come a solution." As I read this I realized that in order for us to find the solutions to our problems we need to show God that we are grateful for them and prove to Him that we trust in His plan. It is only after the trial of our faith that the blessings come. I honestly can't think of much to be grateful for out of what has happened to me recently, but I do know that somewhere in all of this there is a beautiful lesson that the Lord is trying to teach me. I just have to do the very best I can to trust in Him until I see it, and in the meantime submit cheerfully to the testing. This is my goal.

Rollercoast Life

2009-08-26T12:25:00.003-06:00

So I find it interesting as I sit here and think of all that has happened in my life lately. I have felt like I've been on a rollercoaster, like life was forcing me to make all kinds of twists and turns at full speed and my stomach falls to my feet every time. Just when I think I have got settled in for a nice little ride I realize how grateful I am that I buckled up because that last turn almost sent me flying right out of my seat! I still feel like I'm on this rollercoaster and I have no idea whether the next twist will take me left, right, or completely upside down; but I am glad to be here for the ride. Every rollercoaster I've been on may have had twists and turns that scared the bageebies out of me or made me feel like vomiting, but I almost always get off thinking, "that was fun". I'm sure that is how the ride of life will be as well. I just went through a turn that was a bit rough, but I'm learning and growing from it. I am so thankful for the people in my life that I can turn to when the ride gets too scary. I have friends that I know will be there for me day or night whenever I need them. Riding this rollercoaster is so much more fun when you have good friends to ride it with.