Leap of Faith

Have you ever done something that you were scared out of your mind to do, but you knew it was what needed to be done so you did it anyway?

Tomorrow I'm doing something that I am petrified about. I REALLY don't want to do it. Every time I think about what I'm going to do I start to cry and get this awful pit in my stomach because I am scared to death to take this step. However, I've spent a lot of time over the past few days talking to my mom, bishop, and a few close friends about the pro's and con's of the situation and getting their input. I then took everything that everyone told me and my own gut feelings and I went vertical. I got on my knees and poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father. I begged Him to help me know what the right decision was, and I really feel like this is it.

Today at church someone said that when you take a leap of faith it will all work out in the end. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and taking a huge leap of faith. I am going into this putting my heart completely in God's hands. I know that the ONLY way I am going to make it through this is by trusting in Him and the love that He has for me. I'm not sure how it is going to work out, but I have promised Him I will do my best and pray that He will support me through the rest.

I recently read a quote that said, "Courage can't see around corners, but it goes around them anyway." Mignon Mclaughlin I would replace the word courage with faith. I can't see around the bend and don't know what is going to happen over the course of the next week or so, but I am making that turn anyway because things that don't change stay the same and I am in need of some serious change in my life.

If you read this, please keep me in your prayers and when I can I'll let you know how it all turned out.

Luvs & Hugs

Sleep

"Without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds. "~JoJo Jensen, Dirt Farmer Wisdom, 2002

Sleep is such a wondrous thing. Sleep and I used to be the very best of friends. We would get together every night and go on wonderful adventures together. When I was little we would go to the moon, as I grew up a bit we started hanging out with cute celebrities, and then we started traveling a lot. We have been to Jamaica, Italy, Paris, and Africa. My favorite trip was when we used to visit the ocean and play with the dolphins; we did that quite often.

A few weeks ago things started to change. Sleep and I had some disagreements. At first he wanted me to hang out longer than I could and would get kind of upset at me when I would actually wake up to the alarm clock instead of just hitting snooze. I felt bad and I tried going to sleep earlier hoping this would make up for it, but sleep wasn't very forgiving and ran away. Now I can't find sleep anywhere.

I have checked under my covers every night, sometimes I check the couch, I have even tried to sneak up on him and find him in the middle of the afternoon, but he's no where to be found. I thought he might be coming back to me earlier today as I was stopped at a very long red light, but before I could welcome him back the light turned green and he left again.

I just wish my dear friend could see how much I miss him. I am not has happy and energetic as I used to be. I don't have him around to keep me from being cranky and irritable. My eyes are red and have dark circles under them from staying awake searching for him all night. I sure do hope my friend forgives me and comes back soon; until then I'll keep searching, keep turning off lights and counting the sheep waiting for him to return.

Bugged

Do you ever have days where you're just bugged? Today I am bugged. I'm bugged because of people and situations in my life. I'm bugged because of things that have happened recently and things that haven't. All in all I am bugged because of the actions of others. Why do I do this? Why do I get so down on myself because of the actions of other people?

I realize that there is something in all of us that wants to be loved and liked by others and when we get our feelings hurt we have a tendency to get down on ourselves. I for one am terrible at this. I get my feelings hurt and then I start telling myself that it must be because I'm a bad friend, a loser, not fun to be around, or too sickly to be around. I allow the action of someone else to send me into a downward spiral of negative thoughts about myself.

I don't want to do this anymore. I know this comes from the natural man part of me and I need to rely more on the spiritual part of me. I know that I am a daughter of God. I am a divine being. I have a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother that think the world of me. They love me more than my mortal mind will ever be able to understand. They love me with an unconditional love. It does not matter to them if I tell a stupid joke, have a bad hair day, pass out at church, or do any number of lame things.

The truth of the matter is that nothing anyone else says or does should make any difference in my life because the only person who really matters is Heavenly Father and I already know how He feels about me.

I hope that as I spend the rest of the day contemplating the vast amount of love He has for me this feeling of being bugged will leave me and I'll be at peace with my life and who I am.

Blessings in Disguise

Life is hard. I have been going through some things lately that have really got me down. I go through a lot of things that I wish I didn't have to, as I'm sure we all do. Right now I'm in a depressed state that I just can't seem to pull myself out of. All I want to do is lay around in my pj's watching TV and eating junk food. I've been in this slump for a few days and will most likely not be out of it by tomorrow, but I am slowly coming out of it.

I have been challenged by my stake president to read the Book of Mormon with the specific goal to find all the references to the Savior. In doing this I've found a lot of things I'd never noticed in any of my readings before. I've noticed similarities between my personality and that of Nephi. I've read certain verses as if the Lord were speaking directly to me. I've been humbled as I do so and have begun to feel a peace come into my heart through this challenge. It's still very small and I know I still have a lot of reading, praying, pondering, and growing to do; however, I know I am on the right track.

I first heard this song a few months ago, but it has been on my mind a lot the last few days. What if blessings really do come through raindrops? Healing through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights really is what it takes to come to know the Savior is near us? I'm not sure how many sleepless nights I have had lately or just how many tears I've cried, but I do know that my Savior is here by my side. This knowledge grows with each difficult moment that He helps me through. I may not like my trials and I may wish I didn't have to go through them, but they are blessings in disguise bringing me closer to the Lord.

Trash = Treasure

It's been said that 'one person's trash is another man's treasure'. I have a cabbage patch doll that I got when I was 6. It has scuff marks all over it's face and head. The outfit it has on has a small stain on the back and little fluff bunnies all over it. There is some kind of soda pop stain on it's left knee, and the entire skin of the baby is kind of dingy looking. Most people probably look at this doll and think I should trash it, however this doll is a priceless treasure to me.

Twenty-four years ago this week my little sister, Tara, was born. Tara has down syndrome and had some serious health challenges when she was first born. During that time she was held in the nicu of the hospital and being such a small child I was not allowed in there. This was a terrible thing for me, I had waited a long time for a little sister to play with and now she was here and no one would let me see her. I remember standing outside the door peering in the window as different family members would go in and see her. I even have pictures of me standing around crying because I wanted to see her so badly.

Eventually the day came that Tara was released from the hospital and I would finally get to meet her. I anxiously sat in a waiting area of the hospital while my parents went in to get my sister. When the big brown doors opened my mom came out holding my baby sister, she was followed by my dad and a nurse who also had something in her arms. My mom sat down next to me and introduced me to my sister. The nurse then approached me and handed me a brand new baby cabbage patch doll with a hospital band around it's wrist proclaiming me as it's mother. My mom and I both left the hospital that day cradling our newborns.

Over the next while every time my mom sat down to feed my sister I would be sitting right next to her feeding a bottle to my own baby. My baby doll got it's diaper changed, took a bath, and was rocked to sleep at the exact same time my baby sister did. You could say they were practically twins! I felt so close to my mom and my sister as we did all of these things together.

Well my sister outgrew the diapers and I outgrew playing with dolls, but we never outgrew each other. Tara and I are still the best of friends doing many things together. Whenever I look at my seemingly banged up little cabbage patch doll I recall those tender moments we had when she was just small and the love that bonded us together for a lifetime.

So Much To Say...

I know it's been a while since I've really sat down and written something here...at least it feels like it has...but life has a way of getting busy and certain things are higher on my list of priorities. A lot has been happening and I could probably write a navel about what I've been thinking, doing, and learning lately. I'll spare you the details though and try to keep this short and sweet by simply giving some highlights.

First on my mind right now is General Conference. Wow, what a wonderful 2 days of messages from the leaders of the church. Elder Holland said that if you listen with the spirit you will find a personal epistle in at least of of the messages shared...I found several. As I look back over the notes I took I find so many little nuggets of inspiration for things I am struggling with right now. I find counsel that seems to magnify the counsel given to me by my bishop in recent discussions we've had. Most importantly I find answers to my prayers. I love the spirit conference brings into my life. It is truly a light in the midst of dark times. I will be spending the next six months pondering these messages and applying the principles taught into my life.

Another idea that has been on my mind a lot lately is making the best of difficult circumstances. I believe that we are truly as happy as we decide to be. However, sometimes things happen in our lives that make it really hard to feel happy. I have been striving to be happy no matter what is going on around me. It's not easy, but I know that the harder I try the stronger it is making me. I read the following quotation in a book I read recently and love the message of it. "We can spend our days bemoaning our losses, or we can grow from them. Ultimately the choice is ours. We can be victims of our circumstance or masters of our own fate, but make no mistake, we cannot be both." I choose to be a master of my own fate. I choose to decide what effects my happiness and what doesn't. It's a work in progress for me, but I like the way it's going.

Finally I will post the results of my March Madness book reading goal. I truly loved doing this and feel like it really helped me in combating the time-suck monster I wrote about a few weeks ago. During the month of March I read 8 books!

Before My Heart Stops by Paul Cardall

Tramp for the Lord by Corrie Ten Boom

Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis

The Golden Spiral by Lisa Mangum

Reaching Higher by Steven Cramer

Cold as Ice by Stephanie Black

I love reading and during the month I read some fun fictional books and some inspirational books that got me thinking. I hope to continue being able to read as much as I did this month. Reading opens up a part of me that is really hard to explain. Life just seems comfortable and right when I am engrossed in reading. I ordered two more books today that I'm excited to read and have several books at home that I have bought and never got around to reading. I'm looking forward to keeping this habit of reading going. Maybe I'll post a list of the books I've read at the end of each month...just as a bit of FYI for you who read this and a motivation for me to not slack off! Ha!

I Love My Brother

For some reason I've been feeling a bit reminiscent tonight and have been watching some old movies of my family. I have watched the following clip over and over. I can't help but smile and laugh every time I watch it. I even catch myself cheering and clapping at the end. I love my brother. He has an amazing voice (that I wish I heard more often) and super awesome personality.

BTW, he's the one in the shorts.