Sunday, September 6, 2009

A Week of Contrrasts

Last week after getting jumped I spent a few days feeling more alone than I have felt in a long time. It was a time I was in need of a shoulder to cry on and I didn't have anyone I could turn to. I moped around in kind of a depressed state for a few days wallowing in how alone I felt. Then one night I was feeling particularly alone...sitting on the bed almost in tears I reached for my scriptures. I'm reading the Book of Mormon right now, but this night I decided to open up the Bible. I turned to the chapter in Matthew where the Savior is in Gethsemane. As I read and pondered on the Atonement I found myself contemplating my personal testimony of the Atonement. I realized that I understand the Atonement I know what happened in Gethsemane and on the cross. I know about the Ressurection. I know that Christ suffered for my sins and because of that I can repent and be clean again. I know that He suffered more than just sins and knows what I'm going through on my bad days. He knows what it's like to be sick or afraid. The thing that hit me differently as I sat there reading and contemplating was that I knew all of this...but...I didn't live it. I didn't rely on it. I spend a lot of my time trying to fix things myself. I look around for someone to help me feel better. I text my friends looking for someone to talk to about my struggles..someone who will listen with a loving heart. I wish certain people were flies on the walls of my life so they truly knew what I was going through at times. I waste time and energy doing all of this when the Savior is standing at the door just waiting for me to let Him in so He can take care of all these things. He can be the one to lovingly listen. He can see all I'm going through and understand how I feel. He can heal my pains and broken hearts. I rely on myself and those around me for these things and forget to rely on the Lord.

After spending some time coming to this conclusion I got on my knees and I said one of the most heartfelt prayers I think I've said in quite a while. I told Him of my problems, my fears, and my need for friendship. I apologized for rejecting His presence in my life and trying to replace Him with others around me. I promised to work harder and do better at letting Him into my life. It has not been an easy thing...just becasue I've realized this doesn't mean that I easily open the door without even a second thought. Yet, I have found that as I have conciously put forth an effort to invite Him in, the sun has started peeking through the clouds in my life one little ray at a time. I had a friend text me and ask if there was anything she could do to help me. I went to reply with my usual "no", but instead said "yes, I could use a fun night with friends to get my mind off things". The next thing I know she has set up a party for Friday night. I went and had a great time. Afterward this friend texted me to make sure I had a good night. It made me feel so good inside, because I realized the power of friends and how much people really do care.

Saturday I had tickets to a concert, but couldn't find anyone who wanted to go with me. I'd asked my mom to come and she had agreed...but I could tell she was only agreeing because she knew I wanted to go; she had no desire to attend. I told her it was ok, that we didn't have to go. Then for some reason Saturday afternoon things changed and she wanted to go. We were lucky enough to find an extra ticket and we brought Tara with us. We had a great time at the concert and were able to live carefree for a few hours. It was so much fun and a huge blessing. It made me grateful for my family and reminded me of how much I love them.

These are just two simple little changes I have seen in my life since I got on my knees that night. There are many others. I started off the week feeling scared and alone. I have spent the last few days surrounded by family and friends. I feel safer and more confident than I did before. I know that all of this is a result of relying more on my Savior. I am so grateful for the scriptures and the power of prayer. I know that my prayers are heard and answered. I know that as we let the Lord into our lives blessings flow. I am so grateful for my testimony and for the love of a Father in Heaven and His son, Jesus Christ.

Just for fun, here are a few photos of Tara and I at the concert.