Earlier this month I chose the word "Focus" to be the word I was going to use for different goals and projects I'm working on. When I did this I was thinking of the things in my life that I want to focus on, things I want to bring a deeper awareness to in my life. Well, as I was thinking about all of this something else was happening inside of me...
In December my eyes started kind of bugging me. They were always red and stinging. A few days after Christmas I decided I couldn't take it anymore and went to see a doctor. He took a small look at my eyes and said that I had an eye infection. He gave me some antibiotic eye drops and sent me home. I used the drops for a few days and thought I was feeling better and so I didn't really think much about it for a while. However, slowly my eyes started getting bad again. I would have days where they would both hurt, days only one would hurt, and days they'd both be just fine. I also started noticing that things were getting harder and harder to see. I had to adjust the screen resolution on my computer just so I could read it without having my nose touching the screen! I kept thinking it was just because I was wearing my glasses more than my contacts and that was the reason things were so blurry. Well last Saturday I woke up and my eyes were both dark red, they were hurting so bad and I realized it had been almost 2 months since this all first started, so I headed back to the instacare and saw a different doctor this time. As I was telling him my symptoms I could tell he was thinking it was going to be classic pink eye and I was feeling stupid for having come back to the doctor again. Then he actually took a look in my eye. His demeanor completely changed and he started acting concerned. He commented on how inflamed my eyes were and said he was worried this was much more than just an eye infection. He set me up to see an ophthalmologist. At the eye doctor we discovered that I do not have an eye infection at all, but I have chronic dry eye. A problem in my tear ducts that is causing my eyes to not get the lubrication they need. The dryness is causing tissue on my eye to die resulting in my blurred vision. He put me on 3 different kind of eye drops and told me to use them six times a day.
As I have tried to prepare my "focus" based projects with the blurred vision I have had a lot of time to contemplate the importance of focus and clarity in all aspects of our lives. In the beginning I was thinking mostly of outward things like focusing on my schoolwork and need for regular exercise. Now, I have been able to see the need for more than just a physical focus. A focus on inner things as well. I need to add clarity to my testimony, and focus more on my Savior. My blurred vision is teaching me that when one thing is out of focus all things get out of focus and can cause a domino effect on everything in our lives. There is a true need for balance in all things.
Trying to bring my eyes back into focus is not easy, nor is it fun. My eyes still hurt quite a bit. I still have days where the last thing I want to do is open my eyes, but I kind of have to in order to function. Putting drops in my eyes six times a day isn't all that convenient but it's what is necessary. I have a feeling that the things I need to do in order to bring clarity back into my life may not be fun, easy, or convenient either but they will be necessary. Gaining back my life's focus and maintaining it is my goal for this year. A goal I will be reminded of every time I put those drops in my eyes.